Among the Heather (The Highlands, #2) (55)
An ache scored through me. I hated that Aria was hurting. And I wanted to promise her I would never make her feel that way, but I knew it was not the right time to broach the subject of our relationship. Yet I wanted to fix this for her. “I’m going to give you the same advice you gave me. Speak up.”
She frowned. “What do you mean?”
“Sometimes people are so caught in their own shit, they don’t know how deeply their actions can cut others … until it’s pointed out to them.” I brushed my thumbs over the tops of her hands, trying to soothe her. “The girl I met hero-worships her big sister. Loves her. And no one is doing Allegra any good by treating her with kid gloves because she went off the deep end once.” Aria had confided in me that Allegra had gone off the rails a while back and ended up in rehab and therapy after a dodgy hookup with a drug dealer who turned out to be Sloane’s ex. “You all have to accept that she learned a big lesson from that night with Sloane and start treating her normally. Which includes calling her on her bullshit and telling her when she’s hurt you. Call her.”
Aria considered me, the frown between her brows intensifying. “What if I did hurt her?”
“Maybe you did. But you guys need to talk about it because this is eating you up. Nothing is more important than family, princess.”
New emotion sharpened her expression, and her grip tightened in mine. I knew that was for me. Empathy, not pity. And if I wasn’t mistaken, admiration. My chest suddenly felt too tight, and I had to swallow the urge to tell her how I felt. “Call her.” I moved to stand to give her privacy, but Aria refused to let go of me.
She licked her lips nervously. “Will you … will you stay with me while I call her?”
Hope—big, terrifying, brilliant fucking hope—filled me at her request. “Of course,” I answered gruffly.
And so I settled back on the edge of her desk while she dialed her sister’s number. Aria absentmindedly traced a pattern on my knee with her free hand as she waited for the call to connect. Then her gaze moved to mine and she mouthed in disappointment, “Voicemail again.”
“Leave a voicemail, then,” I whispered.
She looked hesitant for a second and then said, “Hey, Allegra, it’s me. Look … I wish you’d pick up, but since I have a feeling you won’t …” She exhaled shakily. “I’m sorry if I hurt you. I really am. But you need to know you’re hurting me too. I”—her fingers curled sharply into my knee but I didn’t mind—“I didn’t know that your love for me depended on me giving you everything you want, but I guess that’s true. Every time I tell you I love you and you don’t say it back …” Her face crumpled and she sucked in a breath. My heart lurched, and I grabbed her hand. “It just … it hurts. It reminds me of all the times Mamma withheld those words unless I acted like she wanted me to act. She does that to you, too, so you know how it feels. I’ve always tried to be more for you than a big sister … but maybe I fucked up. Maybe I hurt you and so you want to hurt me back. I don’t know. I just wish you’d talk to me.” She disconnected suddenly and looked up at me with shimmering eyes. “Oh, fuck, I shouldn’t have done that. I’m the grown-up. I’m not supposed to burden her with my feelings.”
I tugged on Aria’s hand until she stood and pulled her between my legs so I could hug her to me. She looked so sad and lost as she rested her palms on my chest, and I wondered if she could feel how fast my pulse raced. “You’re not her parent, Aria. You’re her big sister. Stop trying to protect everyone’s feelings, including your own, and let yourself feel whatever the fuck it is you feel.” Then I kissed her, pouring my emotions into the kiss until she melted in my arms and kissed me back with a hunger that ignited my blood. It took everything within me to gentle our embrace, to pull back, slow down, and just offer comfort.
Finally, I released her. She panted as she stared at me in round-eyed surprise. Almost as if she felt everything I wanted to say in that kiss. But it scared me to push too soon. So I smiled, caressed her lip with my thumb, and promised, “It’s all going to be okay.”
Twenty-One
ARIA
It had been exactly twenty-six hours since I sent that voicemail to my sister, and I’d heard nothing from her. Not even a text. No more posts from the South of France on her socials. Nada.
My gut had only stopped churning while I hung out with North last night, but as soon as he wasn’t around to distract me, I was back to my gut gnawing anxiously. Even though North assured me it wasn’t, I couldn’t help but worry that it was wrong of me to put my emotions on Allegra. As much as I loved my mother and father, I finally had to admit to myself that they’d never been the most stable sources of love. I knew my dad adored me and he’d even taken my side against Mamma, but he’d also chosen her feelings over mine on many other occasions, and he’d spent a good portion of our lives not physically there.
As for Mamma, if I was honest with myself … she’d made me feel unworthy of love as much as she’d made me feel loved. It was confusing. And I hadn’t ever dared to admit it to myself, but … I couldn’t trust her. I couldn’t trust her love.
But Allegra … as a little girl, her whole being lit up when I walked through the door. She’d showered me in adoration and love without wanting anything but my love in return, and it had healed something within me. Her love was the reason I’d stayed in LA when I wanted to leave. That was the truth. And I no longer felt resentment now that I could admit that I’d stayed as much for myself as for her.