Bring Me Your Midnight(70)

He saw me, the same way Ivy does. I never thought I’d meet another person who saw me for anything more than the role I’m meant to play, but Wolfe did. He saw me and he lied, and I have to find a way to reconcile those truths.

“When I told you about missing the rush and getting help, you said my life was tainted. But it isn’t, Ivy. It is full and complicated and terribly messy, but it isn’t tainted. I know you don’t accept that kind of magic, and you don’t have to, but I promise you it hasn’t put a stain on your life. Your life is beautiful, just as it was before.”

Ivy nods, swallowing hard when her eyes start to glisten. “I was terrified when I woke up. Terrified of you and whatever magic you used to save me. I still am, and I’m still working through it.” She pauses and looks down. “But I’m glad Wolfe saved your life. And I understand why you did what you did. I think one day, I might be glad for it.” She says it so quietly I have to lean in to hear it, and it breaks my heart that she thinks she needs to feel shame about being alive. That I once felt that way, too.

“I think you will be.” Ivy’s form at the window blurs, watery and indistinct. But here. Still here.

“Your mom told me what happened.” She moves from the window to the side of my bed, and it feels good having her closer. I try to keep my composure because I don’t want her to have to comfort me after what I put her through.

“And?”

“And I think you made a hell of a mess.”

I nod because she’s right. I pull some tissue off my bedside table and blow my nose. “I know.”

“Do you love him?” she asks, watching me.

“Yes.” As soon as I say it, I know it’s the truth. My life has been full of deceit and lies lately, but in the middle of them all is the unwavering truth that I love Wolfe Hawthorne and would have given up everything to be with him.

Maybe I’m a fool, but I’m a fool who believed in something strongly enough to fight for it with everything I had. I scan the floor, looking for the necklace I threw off last night, but it’s gone.

“Your mom wants me to convince you to take a memory eraser,” Ivy says. “That’s why I’m here.”

I nod slowly. I’m not surprised, but it makes the ache in my chest scream, a sharp pain where Wolfe laid his head just last night.

“Do you think I should?”

Ivy looks down, and I can see how hard this is for her, how she’s warring with herself over what to say. She finally looks at me again, and her eyes are sad. “Yes.” Her voice shakes. “You have a lot of big events coming up, huge decisions that impact not only you but all of us. Forgetting Wolfe will allow you to start your new life with a clean slate, with excitement and hope instead of regret and pain.” She pauses. “You turned your back on us, Tana. You turned your back on me. But that doesn’t have to be the end. You can still do what you need to do.”

“You really believe that?”

“Yes,” she says. “This is bigger than you. It always has been.”

I bring my knees to my chest. Maybe this is my chance at redemption, my chance to make up for all the mistakes I’ve made and put myself back on the right path. I can still turn this around and bring security and peace to my coven. I can still make this right.

“How does it work?” I ask, my voice quiet.

“We’d make you a tea using something of Wolfe’s,” she says, eyeing the black sweater hanging off the foot of my bed, the one I wore home last night. It still smells like him, like woodsmoke and salt, and I instinctively reach for it. “The tea will be very specific and target only memories including Wolfe and dark magic—everything else will remain intact. But it won’t be perfect. There is a risk your memories will come back at some point. We wouldn’t be erasing them so much as suppressing them; they won’t come back unbidden, but there are certain events that could trigger them.”

That means I would also forget about my mother’s lies, because each one is linked to something I learned from Wolfe. I don’t want to be okay with forgetting, to settle for ignorance, but I’ll have to if I decide to go through with this. There is no way to untangle my mother’s deceit from memories of Wolfe.

“I wouldn’t forget anything else? Nothing about you or my parents or the sea? Nothing about Landon?”

She shakes her head. “You’ll forget this conversation and any others we’ve had about Wolfe. If you think back on it after taking the memory eraser, it will feel foggy. You’ll remember I was here, but you won’t remember what we talked about.”

“Is this allowed within the new order?” I ask. “It sounds a lot like dark magic.”

“It’s a gray area,” Ivy admits, and I don’t miss the way she flinches at the words dark magic. “We’d never offer something like this in the shop, but given that it would be suppressing your memories instead of stripping them, the council granted us approval. The same effect could be produced with wine or spirits—this is just a more intense version. But that’s why it isn’t perfect, because it’s weak enough to fit within the rules.”

“But you would still remember all this. Is my mother okay with that?”

“I would never do anything to jeopardize our alliance with the mainland. She knows that.”