Daydream (Maple Hills, #3)(70)
“Where do you want our boundaries to be? What label will help you feel comfortable?” he asks so gently that I want to cry. He tries so hard with me when even I don’t know how to work out what I want. “I don’t not date because I have a problem with it. I’ve just never cared about labels, Halle. I just know I want you the way you want me. I’m good with doing whatever stops the noise in your head.”
“It’s cute that you think the noise in my head could ever be stopped,” I say playfully, attempting to lighten the very serious mood I’ve set in my attempt to explain myself. “But this brings me to my next experience, or inexperience, I guess.”
I should continue talking, but I don’t know how to word it. He nods, encouraging me. “Go on. I’m listening. I’m trying to understand.”
“I’m nervous, Henry. I don’t know what I’m doing, and what if I’m not good?” I say quietly. “I’m used to being a problem solver, and this is the one thing I don’t know how to solve in advance. You have experience and I don’t. What if you decide you want to hang out with someone who can have more than one sexual encounter without turning her thought process into a freaking riddle that has to be broken down into sections to be understood? I just said that I like having no expectations, while knowing if you came over one day and said you’d been with someone else it would hurt.”
“I’m glad you saved that one until last, because I wouldn’t have been able to pay attention to the rest. Why would I hook up with someone else?”
My eyes narrow. “I give you a touching and vulnerable speech and that’s all you got from it?”
“It’s the only thing you said that doesn’t make sense to me, Halle. I don’t want someone else. I haven’t been with someone in any capacity since I met you. I didn’t even realize that it’s because I wanted you the whole time until recently.”
“Yeah, but that might change. Will got tired of waiting for me to be ready an—”
“And Will is a prick,” he interrupts. “But go on.”
“And I don’t want to lose you as a friend if you want to be with someone less… I don’t know what I am. Apprehensive?”
Henry cups my face with his hands, his warm palms heating my skin. “I wish you spent as much time imagining things for your book as you do imagining things that aren’t going to happen in real life.”
“Henry!”
His thumbs glide across my cheeks. “Halle, have you ever considered being chill for five minutes?”
Luckily for him, he kisses me before I can argue, and his joke plus the tender way he touches me does a lot to ease the tension I’ve developed during this conversation. When his mouth eventually leaves mine, he hugs me tight. Something I didn’t even know I wanted until he did it.
Murmuring into my hair, he strokes the back of my head with one of his hands. “I might get to be the guy who gives you all your experience, Halle. That’s a big deal to me, too. I don’t want someone else with more experience; I want you. And if you decide I don’t get to be that guy, I’ll still be right here, trying to solve riddles to understand you so I can be your friend.”
“How do you manage to take all my bullshit and make it into something really sweet?”
He leans back, his hands reaching to cup my face. “For all you know, I’ve totally misunderstood everything, and I think we’re about to get married. Should we retrace your mental steps to make sure we understand each other?”
I groan. “Do we have to? It’s too embarrassing to say out loud again. Maybe I should have just joined a convent right out of high school.”
“You’re not allowed to be embarrassed; it’s one of our rules. What did you call it? Your touching and vulnerable speech. Let me slim it down. Experience one: I make you so horny that it’s making you reassess your whole life.” Give me strength. “Experience two: you want to do something about those urges with someone, ideally me, for the first time instead of just yourself and your sex app. And experience three, which is actually inexperience three: you’re nervous about trying things you haven’t done before.”
“Bingo.” If this was a game show there would be buzzers going off. I nod enthusiastically, because he’s said it far better than me even though I think he was trying to make me laugh. “Basically, I’m an inexperienced triple threat and it’s pretty busy in my brain currently.”
“We can handle it, Cap. We’re a team, so you have all the time you need. You already have the advantage that I am so much better for you than Will ever was. And I have a really great idea for getting rid of all the thoughts in your head. You just need to lie back and take off your pants. I can definitely get you to be chill for five minutes.”
It’s the mood lightener I need, and I’m so grateful that we can have these types of conversations in a healthy way. With Will they always turned into arguments. I beam at him. “Your problem-solving skills are unmatched, but I think this time I’ll pass, thank you. And no, I’ve been managing a family since birth. I haven’t had a chill day in my life. My natural state is to think of every eventuality.”
“Me and another woman can be crossed off your list of eventualities. Waiting isn’t the big deal Will has made it out to be, I promise.” The elevator dings loudly outside the room, followed by the sounds of multiple voices, making them very early. “Let me kiss you and show you how much I’m not interested in other people.”