Deep End(110)

If you still see him as the fifteen-year-old boy who needed you when his mom died, and never realized that he’s grown into a different person.

If what’s between you two was more about mutual protection.

“If?” she prompts.

“If maybe the transition to romantic love was a little rocky for the two of you.”

“I mean . . .” She purses her lips and shrugs. “I know Lukas well enough to know that it’s not the case. I know what we had. But in any case, I think that bonding over trauma is still a nice way to fall in love and build a future. More valid than sharing the same sexual fetishes.”

Her tone is gentle—and a punch to the stomach. I blink at her, trying to parse what she just said and decipher the way she intended for it to land. Whether I should be offended. “I . . . excuse me?”

“Oh my god.” Instantly, her eyes widen and her hand closes around mine. “I didn’t mean it like . . . I promise it wasn’t a jab! There are lots of valid ways to fall in love, that’s it. I’m so sorry.”

I nod, relieved. Pen just got dumped. She’s emotional. I know she didn’t want to be hurtful.

But then she adds, “I’m just wondering if I made a mistake, that’s all.”

“A mistake?”

“By breaking up with Lukas. I mean, he and I have been through so much, and he gets me, and . . .” Her head cocks. Her eyes on me are almost pleading. “Are you two . . . It’s mostly sex, right? You’re not officially dating.”

It would be an indisputable lie, to say that what’s between me and Lukas is mostly sex.

However. As much as it hurts to admit: “We aren’t officially dating.”

Not that it matters. I don’t need a stamped certificate to know that Lukas cares deeply about me, and that what we have is real. The problem is, Pen’s relief at my words is so obvious, I doubt that right now she’d be capable to accept any of that.

She’s hurting. I’m her friend. I can keep the truth to myself for a little longer. Put her first, just for a while.

“He’s right, by the way,” I say, squeezing her hand back.

“Who?”

“Lukas.” I smile. “It is Theo’s loss.”

She lays her head on my shoulder, and I do my best to joke and laugh while walking to dryland training. Once we’re there, I excuse myself and go find the coaches.

It will be all right, I tell myself.

Pen feels rejected, maybe for the first time in her life. She’s fragile, and needs her friends’ support. She doesn’t love Lukas. Lukas doesn’t love her. That relationship is over.

It’s just not a good time to point it out .

And I have more important things to worry about, too.

“Coach Sima?”

He doesn’t look up from the piece of paper he’s reading. “Yeah?”

“I’d like to discuss the possibility of making some changes to my training program.”





CHAPTER 58


DO YOU HAVE TO BE KIDNAPPED FOR IT TO BE STOCKHOLM syndrome?” I ask. “You shouldn’t, not if the guy you fell for against your will is Swedish.”

Sam seems unimpressed with my mastery of psychological constructs. “Does being in love with Lukas make you unhappy?”

“No. Just . . . guilty.”

“Because of Penelope?”

Her name has been coming up a lot during my therapy sessions. “Yeah.”

“And Penelope’s well-being is important for you?”

“Of course. She’s the closest thing to a best friend I’ve had in . . . ever.”

“She hurt you, though. The other day.”

“She didn’t mean to. She was just . . . careless. Because she is hurting, too.”

Sam nods. “Is she the reason you’ve been avoiding Lukas?”

“I haven’t—”

“How many times have you two met since Amsterdam?”

I lower my eyes. Too few, and only because of me. In fact, my excuses have been so laughable, I know Lukas doesn’t believe them. Study group. Paper due tomorrow. Exhausted.

LUKAS: Just come over to spend the night. I sleep better when you’re around.

SCARLETT: Why?

LUKAS: Because I know you’re safe.

LUKAS: And you smell good.

LUKAS: And you’re soft.

I should change his name in my contacts. I know how to spell Blomqvist, and it hurts to see what he wrote—sharp kitten claws digging into the squishiest parts of my chest. But.

“I caught Pen sobbing in the locker room, this morning,” I simply say.

“That is sad. But as we discussed, her relationship with Lukas is unlikely to productively resume, while your relationship with Lukas—”

“I know. But it’s temporary. She feels so alone, and the possibility of getting back with Lukas is . . . an illusion she clings to. I can’t shatter it by spending time with him under her nose.”

“Is a lie this big really kinder than the truth?”

I sigh and rub my face. This won’t last long. Pen will feel better soon. I just need to wait it out. Curl into myself like a pill bug. Focus on training—exclusively ten meters.

Coach was initially reluctant, but begrudgingly came around on the condition that I keep on practicing three-meter synchro with Pen.