Faking Christmas(72)
“Why is it always easier to fix other people's problems than it is my own?”
We sat that way for a while. The roar of the wind outside of the bridge provided a relaxing white noise as we both got lost in our thoughts.
“Do you think…do you think you’d be married to her right now if she’d survived?” I didn’t really want to know the answer, but I couldn’t look away from the train wreck of my thoughts.
He shrugged. “I don’t know. My brain wants to immortalize her as being perfect because I’ve blocked out everything else. But looking back, our relationship was pretty immature, which makes sense. We were eighteen, and I hadn’t dated much before. I was halfway terrified of her. So…probably not.”
The pieces of Miles’s puzzle were slowly beginning to come together.
“I remember you telling me a while ago that you didn’t start doing all the extreme sports until a few years ago. Was it related to her? To Kelly?”
He smiled and absently rubbed at a spot on his pants. “For a while, the accident made me scared to get close to anybody again. It took me some time to get past the trauma and stop feeling guilty. So, I decided to try to live my life like I thought Kelly would. My own way to justify her death instead of mine. She wasn’t afraid of anything except being still. She climbed every mountain chain in the Northeastern United States. When she turned sixteen, she begged her dad to take her white-water rafting in the Grand Canyon because she heard they had some of the best rapids. She went bungee-jumping and skydiving multiple times before she was even seventeen. She was fearless. I hadn’t been brave enough to do all of that with her when we were dating, but she got me into skiing. So, after she died, I made a pact with myself to start living moments for Kelly, especially if it scared me. The more out of my comfort zone, the better.”
“How was jumping out of an airplane the first time?”
He smiled. “Scariest thing I’d ever done up until I jumped. Then, it was amazing.”
I shuddered.
“Did it work? Does anything scare you?”
“I don’t think the fear ever goes away completely—especially when you’re scaling a cliff with a ninety-foot drop beneath you.”
I shook my head.
“The first few years, I forced myself to do the big, extreme things. To honor Kelly. But as I’ve gotten older, now I just do the things I want to do. The things that I think I’ll legitimately enjoy but still push me out of my comfort zone. I try my best to pick my moments. If I’ve learned anything from Kelly it’s that life comes and goes too fast. People are so casual with their time, especially when you consider that it can all be gone in a second.”
I nodded along, thinking of all the Saturdays I spent curled up reading a book and my nights in a hot bubble bath.
As if he could sense what I was about to say, he continued, “And I’m not saying that going buck wild is the only way to live. I couldn’t sustain that type of life. Reading books and swinging on the porch is living, too. There’s definitely a balance to be had. I just think that getting out of our comfort zone every so often is when the magic starts to happen.”
“Like jumping in a pond with ice chunks floating next to you?”
“Exactly.” He turned and looked at me, his brown eyes scanning my face. “Do you have any regrets about jumping in?”
I bit my lip, thinking about that night. It had been scary. I wouldn’t have done it without Miles pushing me, and I was definitely not lining up to do it again anytime soon. But just thinking about it brought back the rush of the moment, and I couldn’t help but grin. “No, I don’t have regrets. But don’t let that go to your head. I’m not doing it ever again.”
He laughed and nudged my arm. “Skydiving next week?”
“Not on your life.”
We both chuckled softly as we sat there, each staring off into space until he spoke again.
“During therapy, I was encouraged to write down whatever I was feeling. That became a powerful outlet for me. Eventually, I began studying English at college, so taking a creative writing course seemed a natural step. The first couple of years, my writing was crap, but I kept at it and eventually got better.”
“And now you have three books out with the fourth coming out next year.”
He looked down at me, a curious gleam in his eyes. “You know, for somebody who claims not to care that much, you sure seem to know a lot about my books. I’d love to get my hands on that Kindle of yours. I feel like I’d learn a lot about you.”
I grinned cheekily up at him. “I’ve got that thing locked down tight.”
“I knew it.” He tickled my sides until I was laughing and trying to squirm away. When he relented, he didn’t release me. Instead, he maneuvered his body and mine so that he sat directly behind me, with me leaning back against him, his legs sprawled out at my sides. I turned slightly so my face could curl against his chest while his arms wrapped around me.
“You think I’m going to cuddle with you just because we’re trapped in a covered bridge?” I asked, while my frozen right hand unzipped his coat just enough that I could slip my arms through and slide them around his waist. Even through his flannel shirt, the heat from his body kissed my skin. A sigh of relief came unbidden past my lips.
“You think I’m going to let you steal my body heat so you don’t freeze?” he countered, pulling me even tighter against him. My body felt too twisted in its current position, so I turned even more to the side, letting my legs sprawl out over top of his right leg.