For the Love of Friends(76)

My phone buzzed, and I pulled it out to avoid choking the bride. While it may be rude to look at your phone while you’re out, it’s still more polite than publicly killing your sister. It was a text from Alex. How goes it?

Sweet baby Jesus, I wrote back. Save me from these children who don’t even know what J?ger is.

So teach them! Isn’t that your job in this wedding?

I tried. Amy demanded a shot of Fireball immediately after. Did that even exist when we were young?

I think we drank Goldschlager to feel fancy when we wanted something with cinnamon in it back in our day.

I have never felt this old in my life.

Lol. You’re what? 31?

32.

Ahh, I see, Alex replied. You’re ancient. With a granny emoji.

I laughed out loud, then jumped as someone sidled up next to me. “What’s so funny, bridesmaid?” the sidler asked. “Texting your boyfriend?”

I turned to size him up. Way too young for me, of course, but cute. And there was no harm in flirting a little. “No. No boyfriend. Just a friend who agrees it’s ridiculous to wear a condom belt when your sister gets married.”

He nodded at Amy’s veil. “That’s your sister?”

“Yup.”

“Nice. I’m Kevin.”

“Lily.”

“Can I buy you a drink, Lily?” I agreed and he ordered another terrible martini for me and a Bud Light for himself. The drinks came and he paid cash, then clinked his glass against mine. “Cheers.”

I scanned the room quickly. Crying girl was dancing with some guy, making-out girl was still making out, and Amy was laughing with a bunch of her friends, drinking their drinks through penis straws. Everything was under control. I could relax. “So Kevin,” I mused. “What do you do?”

“I’m an intern on Capitol Hill,” he said confidently. This was clearly a line that got him girls. “Still deciding if I want to go the lobbyist route or eventually run for office myself. What about you?”

“PR at the Foundation for Scientific Technology.”

“That’s cool. How long have you been there?”

I knew the truth about my age would shock him, but I did not give the tiniest of rat’s asses what this kid thought. “Ten years. I started straight out of college.”

“Ten years?” he repeated. “I can’t imagine doing anything for ten years.” He leaned in closer. “But that’s what I like about you older women. You know what you want. I always learn a thing or two when I sleep with someone so much older.”

I reeled like he had slapped me. “Have fun with that,” I said and started to walk away.

“Baby, don’t go,” he said, grabbing my arm.

I turned around and got right in his face. “Fine, you want to learn something from an older woman? First lesson: don’t call a woman old. Second lesson: don’t assume you’re sleeping with anyone. And third lesson: don’t ever touch me.” His eyes widened and he dropped my arm. I stormed off, leaving my drink on the bar, and only realized as I got to the doorway how much more effective it would have been if I had thrown it in his face. You don’t get enough opportunities to do that in real life, so you should always take them when they come.

I went outside to where the smokers had been banished and sincerely debated just going home. Yes, it would be rude because Amy was my sister, but honestly, she didn’t actually care if I was there. As the semi-responsible adult, however, I needed to make sure she made it home okay. And to survive until the end of the night, I needed a buddy.

So I called Alex.

He answered on the third ring. “What’s wrong?”

“Are you home?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Do you mind coming out to Adams Morgan? I need reinforcements.”

Alex laughed. “Sure. Let me just change and get an Uber. Be there in like half an hour?”

“I owe you. Big time.”

He laughed again. “You can pay me in jumbo slice and leftover cake.”

“Deal.”



I had a beer waiting for him when he got there and greeted him with it as soon as he walked in. He looked me over, but refrained from commenting on my newly blonde hair, probably because I had been complaining about it nonstop in texts. “Nice belt.”

I looked down. I had forgotten I still had the condom belt on. I yanked it off and dropped it in the trash.

“Now that’s just a waste. You could hand them out to all of the people who are about to make terrible decisions tonight.”

“The maid of honor made them by hooking the packages together with safety pins.”

Alex shook his head. “Not the sharpest knife in the drawer, I’m guessing.”

“She’s not even a knife. She might be a spoon.”

“I’m sure she’s a very sharp spoon.” He looked around. “I haven’t been here since before I was married.”

“You weren’t allowed out when you were married?”

“If I was a good boy, I could go to the movies.” He rolled his eyes at me. “You don’t still come to places like this, do you?”

“God no.”

A bar-top table opened up and we looked at each other, then made our way over. The two seats were pulled next to each other, providing a clear view of the rest of the bar. “We’re officially the oldest people here,” Alex said.