Goodbye Earl(93)

“I’ll never forgive myself for it.”

“You have to,” Silas said, reaching for her.

“Well, I can’t.”

“Come here.” He leaned forward. “You have to,” he said again.

Kasey, crying, crawled closer to him, and he pulled her the rest of the way into his lap. She was so tired of keeping secrets.

*



“I’ve only trusted a handful of men my entire life and you’re one of them,” she said when she was finished telling him everything. “I should’ve told you how I saw Trey acting when I went to Caroline’s that morning. Maybe you could’ve—”

“What he did is not your fault,” Silas said.

It was too much, they were too close, she was running on too little sleep.

The kissing wasn’t an accident.

The lean-in started at Taylor’s wedding, dancing to “Cowboy Take Me Away” and “Strawberry Wine,” and ended with Silas’s whiskey-tongue in her mouth on the couch. They tussled tenderly, kissed some more. Now he was on top of her, with his arm around her waist. His hands moved to her face. In her hair, behind her head. His mouth was on her neck, his breath hot. She opened her legs so he could sink and settle there. Her body was a question in lightning and his was attempting to answer in thunder. She could feel him. She remembered.

Cowboy, take me away.

No, don’t.

“Shit. Shit! Si, you have to go. Like, now,” Kasey said, pushing him.

“I have to go?”

“Yes! You have to go. Right now!”

“I have to, um…physically get off this couch and leave the farmhouse?”

Kasey nodded aggressively and stood.

How long had they been kissing? What happened now?

Silas sat up and put his head in his hands. He stood too.

“Um, all right. I’m obeying your orders and leaving the farmhouse. Right now. Can you please call or text me later? We’re nowhere near finished—”

“Yes. I will call or text you later. Go! Rightfuckingnow. I mean it,” Kasey said. She pointed and he moved toward the door. She was right behind him. “Wait…you’re not going to say anything to anyone about any of this, right? Not what I told you, not the kissing—nothing. Silas, please don’t.”

“Are you serious? Hell, Kase—”

“Just say you won’t, then leave.”

“You know I won’t. Why do you keep—”

“Okay. Thank you. Bye.”

She opened the door and Silas let her push him onto the porch. He turned and put both hands on the doorframe.

“Remember how I used to call you Dandelion? Kase, I love you. I’m in love with you. Look, if you decide not to put that ring back on, that’s something you should know,” he said. In a small, almost imperceptible movement, he leaned in. She noticed. She noticed everything about him. She’d never be able to forget any of this.

“Silas, go! Of course I remember that! Now, leave before we mess everything up.”

She needed to talk to Devon; she loved Devon. She needed to put her engagement ring on and call him. I love Devon. Yes, she’d love Silas forever, but Devon was her fiancé and she loved him. She loved him!

Kasey put her hand on Silas’s chest and gently pushed.

“All right. I’m leaving. I love you and I’m leaving,” he said.

Kasey watched him drive away and closed the door. She put her back against the wood and touched her cheek, feeling like she was in a movie. She went to the bedroom and slipped her engagement ring on. She poured herself another glass of whiskey and called Devon, but he didn’t answer. She tried again. And again. She had to talk to him. Her body ached with the overwhelming need of it.

When Silas knocked on the door, she snatched it open, ready to yell at him.

But it wasn’t Silas.

It was Devon.

There was a little white hatchback in her driveway. Would the porch crack and swallow her up? Had she summoned him with wishes? Devon and his soft eyes, looking tired and handsome, shaking his head at her?

“Kasey, you gotta tell me what the hell is going on,” he said. He took her face in his hands and kissed her with apocalyptic ardor. Like she was the last woman left on earth. Like he’d been shipwrecked for weeks and there she was, shining on the shore.





2016


43





After being set up on a blind date by his sister, Kasey and Devon hit it off quickly. He was droll and kind, charming in a seemingly effortless way. Kasey liked a lot of small things about him immediately. Like how he said her name and the way he held his fork. He had an easy presence about him, the same way Silas did. Kasey tried to imagine a woman breaking up with Devon and not looking at him on a regular basis like this anymore, deciding she was done with how good he looked in that suit and how pretty his hair was or how much emotion he could convey with his wide eyes. Kasey tried to imagine it but couldn’t. She found him quite lovely.

Once she mentioned she was from a small, Southern town, he asked her a lot of cute questions about Goldie. Whether everyone knew everyone (seemed like it, yes) and whether they had festivals all the time (yes) and if she liked living there (sometimes). He was from Long Island and hadn’t spent much time in the South, but he told her that he always romanticized it and said he considered her romantic by default since she was from a town called Goldie because of how the sun lit it up.