Heart the Lover (41)

I laugh and hand back his phone.

‘There’s one like this every few hours. All the unrequited crushes on Yash Thakkar.’

Uncle Bill gets up, which leaves a free chair beside Jared.

‘Excuse me,’ I say to Sam and push myself off the wall. ‘Yash has given me an assignment.’

I slip into the empty seat. ‘Jared, right?’ I say. ‘You probably don’t remember, but we once played Red Light Green Light in your driveway.’

‘I remember.’ He tries to smile. His eyes are a mess. He swipes at his nose. ‘You had a side ponytail and called me a tater tot.’

‘Side ponytail. Impressive vocab. My husband is still shaky on the difference between a dress and skirt.’ One of Yash’s aunts lifts her head in my direction. It feels strangely unfaithful to mention a husband in here.



‘I draw people. So I have to know these things.’

‘Yash says you want to write graphic novels?’

‘I’ve written two. Nearly done with the third. It’s a sort of a triptych.’

‘Has anyone seen them yet?’

‘Yeah. I have an agent. She’s waiting for the last one before she goes out with it.’

‘And you’re moving to LA?’

‘I was supposed to be out there for interviews today and tomorrow at Pixar—I have a friend who works there—but I pushed them till next week. They’ve been cool about that.’ He looks at Yash, who’s talking to Sam and someone in a coat and tie who has just come in. ‘He’s like my dad or my brother, or both, really. I have to be here.’

This is the kid Yash was worried about?

‘He wants the very best for you.’

‘He thinks I’m a loser.’

‘No, he doesn’t.’

‘He does. He thinks my dreams are too big, that I’m in the clouds, drifting around.’

‘It’s more about him than you. He’s a worrier.’

He nods. ‘I know it’s out of concern. I just need to get to California. There’s a girl there. We’re not together or anything.’

‘But you’re going out to woo her.’

He leans back and tries to say something.



I wait.

‘I’ll probably be too sad to woo,’ he says with a lot of effort.

I pat his knee a few times. He has no idea how appealing an adorable big-haired grieving guy can be. ‘When you’re ready, you’re going to woo her socks off.’

‘Jesus,’ Yash says. ‘I said talk to him, not make out with him.’ The new people have gone and I’ve got my chair back. ‘You are not to be trusted, even at my deathbed.’

‘Jared’s going to be fine.’

‘You think?’

‘Totally.’

‘We’ll see. I’m leaving what I have to him. Not that it’s much. A very small nest egg.’

We’re silent for a bit.

‘Do you think I’ll know everything soon?’

My stomach turns over. I can’t meet his gaze and look down at our hands. ‘Probably.’

‘I’ll finally find out about that guy in Spain,’ he says.

I had a few boyfriends after Yash and before Silas, but I’ve only ever mentioned Paco. I was with Paco when Yash sent me the elephant poem.

‘I’ll tell you about that guy in Spain right now.’

Yash holds up his hand. ‘No. Don’t. I’ll wait for the EP afterlife version. All the gory details.’



‘Well, he’ll be the one with his sweaters tucked into his gray jeans.’

Yash laughs. ‘I knew he was a dweeb.’

‘It was a very cool look back then.’

‘Yeah, right.’

I notice his oxygen has dipped. I press the cannula back into his nostrils. ‘Take some deep breaths.’

‘Deep is relative,’ he says. I model some big breaths. He watches and imitates me as best he can and gets it back up to 93. He continues to stare at me.

It’s hard to return his gaze, the way he is looking at me. ‘You are so beautiful, babe,’ he says.

Babe. A word from another universe. It’s physically disorienting.

‘Yash,’ his uncle says from across the room.

But Yash ignores him. He sees I have something on my mind. ‘What?’ he says. ‘What is it?’

But Uncle Percy is louder. ‘Listen up, you two love birds. You need to tell us. What do you want for dinner? I cannot put another carton of pork lo mein in my delicate stomach,’ he says, patting his belly.

‘Looks like you have a pig or two in there already,’ Yash says.

‘I got a barnyard in here, Yashie.’

They decide on Italian.

Aunt Sue offers to go in her car. Jared holds up his phone. He can get it delivered.



‘You can’t deliver to a hospital,’ Uncle Percy says.

Jared explains.

‘Jordash?’ Uncle Percy says.

‘Door Dash,’ Jared says slowly.

‘Jordash is clothes.’

‘I got this,’ Jared says calmly, no irritation, then begins taking people’s orders.

Yash smiles at me and seems not to remember his last question.