Hunt on Dark Waters (Crimson Sails, #1)(74)

When Evelyn said she’d spend the rest of her days worried about me getting myself killed … I feel the same. If she left, I would spend the rest of my years wondering if she had many decades filled with joy and happiness before going out at the end of a life well-lived. It would drive me mad. I’d made my peace with that knowledge that I would always feel like I was missing part of myself once she walked out of my life.

I haven’t had a chance to really process that she’s staying. That she’s here in my arms with no intention of leaving.

I want to be worthy of this woman’s love. No matter what she says or thinks, I’m not there yet. Maybe I never will be. But that just means I’ll fight all the harder to honor her.

Her steady heartbeat soothes my racing thoughts and I find myself matching her slow inhales and exhales, my body getting heavy. I wrap my arms more firmly around her, letting the feel of her tempt me into closing my eyes. I fall asleep without any concrete answers, only the assurance that I’ll never get used to sleeping with Evelyn.

To waking up with the scent of her surrounding me.

When I open my eyes, the woman herself, however, is gone.

Moving hurts. I take stock as I sit up, but there’s no sharp pain. Just general bruises and exhaustion from the fight yesterday. My neck is the worst of it, throbbing in time with my heartbeat. I meant what I said, that I’ve been bitten by mermaids before and I’ve never seen an infection as a result. But Evelyn is right that we need to see a healer. Just in case. It would be unforgivable to let arrogance be my downfall.

It’s time to make the trek to Kanghri and throw ourselves on Cato’s nebulous mercy.

I find Evelyn in the kitchen, reheating another soup. When I raise my brows, she shrugs. “There’s not much in the way of perishables, and I don’t recognize most of the stuff in the pantry. So soup for breakfast it is.”

“I’m not complaining.”

“That’s because you’re a very smart man with good survival instincts.” She barely lets me take a spoonful of the soup before she says, “I understand if you don’t want to talk about it, but I just want to put this out there. It’s okay to be conflicted about your past. Both the past with the C?n Annwn and what came before. If there ever comes a time when you want to take a break from fighting for the greater good to find answers, I support that. I support whatever you need to do.”

“I love you.” Three simple words, and yet they shift my entire world on its axis. I hold her gaze. “I appreciate the offer and the support, but I meant what I said last night. Whatever answers my home realm offers, it ultimately doesn’t matter.”

“Maybe it doesn’t matter now, but that might change. You’re too paladin not to feel guilty if your personal questions override your cause. I’m just preemptively telling you that there’s nothing to be guilty about. No matter where you land on it.”

It’s tempting to brush off the statement again, but she’s right. “Thank you for preemptively absolving me of my guilt.” I grin.

“Oh, don’t play with me like that. You seem the type to adore your guilt. You find it highly motivating. It’s okay. It’s part of what makes you so lovable.” She pokes at her soup. “But don’t think you can distract me with all the love talk, even though I will never get tired of hearing those three words on your lips. You are seeing a healer today. End of story.”

I like how concerned she is about me. I don’t want her to worry, but it warms me all the same. It’s far too tempting to tease her over it, but I resist the urge. Barely. “Agreed. It’s been some time since I’ve traveled up this way, but if Cato is still in Kanghri, ze can finish patching me up.”

She gives me a long look as if I’m trying to trick her. “No arguments?”

“I’m a smart man, Evelyn, despite recent evidence to the contrary. Arguing for the sake of arguing is silly in this situation. We need me at full health to face our next steps.”

“Uh-huh.” She shakes her head. “Hurry up and eat, and let’s get moving.”

It’s not quite as quick as all that. Before we leave, we take the extra effort to ensure the safe house is exactly as we found it. I find a rack of wood tucked against the back of the building. There isn’t much in the way of trees on First Sister, so they have to haul the wood in with the other supplies. More indication of care and planning going into keeping this place ready for unexpected travelers. I bring some in to replenish the stack by the fire. It’s time that we could spend traveling, but it feels important to do this.

I find Evelyn sitting on the bed, holding the book again. “Do you want to write an entry of your own?”

“No.” She sets the book back in the drawer and replaces the false bottom. “This is for people going home. We’re going to be the ones helping those people. It’s better that there’s no evidence of us here.”

She’s right. That doesn’t mean I like the bittersweet look on her face. “Are you sure?”

“Yes.” She rises and brushes off her pants. “I’m not going to pretend that I won’t miss things about my realm. But ultimately, it’s like yours—in my past. Threshold. You. This rebellion, or whatever the fuck it is. That’s my future.”

I do her the courtesy of not commenting on the bruised look in her green eyes when she speaks. This, at least, I under stand. We’ve both lost quite a bit to get to this point. Having a direction to head, a place to dig in and fight … it doesn’t make that loss go away.