If Only I Had Told Her(33)

“But remember, someone saw something the night before,” I prompt.

Autumn yawns.

“Well, of course we’d each have to break up to be together. The story of whatever suspicious thing was seen at the party would get spread and exaggerated. There’s no avoiding that chapter. We’d be the center of a scandal, ostracized for being cheaters. Or I don’t know… Everyone likes you, so maybe it wouldn’t have been that rough for you?”

As glad as I am that Autumn would have broken up with Jamie for me and faced whatever consequences came next, I’m still distracted that she continues to deftly avoid saying Sylvie’s name while we’ve both casually referenced Jamie. This is why I must break up with Sylvie today. Can’t she see that?

“I wish all that had happened,” I tell her. “I wish we’d had that time together and today was another regular day for us.”

Autumn’s gaze finds mine again, and she repeats my words to her. “Everything is going to be okay. We’re together now, right?”

“I love you.” How many times have I said that? Surely it will be annoying soon?

“I love you too, Finny,” Autumn says and pokes my nose. “While we’re talking about unsaid things, you haven’t secretly been wishing that I call you Finn?”

“Nah,” I say. “Finn is how I think of myself, but that’s what I like about you calling me Finny. It’s special.”

“Even though The Mothers call you that too?”

I poke her nose, and now I’m the one repeating her words. “It’s different when you say it.”

“Finny.” Autumn kisses me again and then again hungrily. A few minutes later, she breathes in my ear, “We have time, don’t we? Can we just—”

We have just enough time, but it’s getting harder to resist making love to her again, so I decide to buy condoms tonight.



Afterward, I ask her if she wants to join me in the shower. Autumn blushes and hides her face in her hands. We’re lying on our sides, tangled together still.

“Autumn?”

She says something behind her hands.

“I can’t hear you, beloved.”

I’m surprised by the term of endearment. I’ve never used it before in my life, but it’s fallen from my mouth naturally, and I wonder if it’s going to become a habit.

“I’m too shy,” she says. “I can’t take a shower with you.”

“We’re…already naked?” We’ve been in my bed together for hours.

“But there’s water in a shower!” Autumn says, and I decide that this is one of those times when her brain is wired differently.

“Okay,” I say. “Showers are a level of intimacy we can work our way up to.”

“Might take a while,” she says into my bare chest.

I can’t hold back a small chuckle. I run my fingers down her back one last time, and she shivers in a way that almost tempts me to stay after all.

“We have forever,” I whisper into her hair, and then I wonder if forever is too much for her.

Autumn raises her face and grins at me.

“Okay,” she says. “You’re right.”

We lock our lips together deeply, then I kiss her forehead and climb out of bed. She doesn’t follow me as I gather my clothes. She stays in bed and watches me. I give her a quizzical look.

“I can’t get dressed in front of you,” she says. “That’s too awkward.”

I pause, trying to decide how to ask my first question, but then I laugh and say, “I love you, Autumn.”

And somehow, she isn’t tired of hearing it yet.





fourteen





When I come back from the shower, Autumn’s confidence in our future is gone. She’s sitting on the center of my bed, curled up tight in her rumpled clothes and finger-combed hair. She looks wild and elven—and scared.

“It’s going to be okay.” I wish her brain could accept the truth that mine has; we’ve made it back together.

“Can’t you wait until tomorrow?”

“I want it to be over.” I can’t explain how hard it is going to be to break up with Sylvie. It wouldn’t help Autumn’s confidence. But the certainty of our future together drives me, and when I get back to her, she’ll understand. I’ll show her every day, for as long as she wants me. “I want it to be just us.”

I fidget, but the fact of the matter is the time has come for me to go. I’ll be back in a few hours. It’s fine. She’s nervous because she’s the one having to wait for me, but there’s nothing to be worried about. I look at her, still sitting with her knees under her chin.

“Walk me out?” I’m trying to sound casual, but all the dread about seeing Sylvie, how I’m going to hurt her is coming back.

I have to tell Sylvie.



Autumn holds my hand and walks beside me, down the stairs and out of the house. The sky is gray with thick clouds, and the wind has picked up.

The sinking feeling inside me will be there until I get back to her, but she needs to see my resolve. I’m doing this for us, and somehow, amazingly, she still doesn’t understand the depth and breadth of my passion for her.