Just Friends(38)

“Oh,” Declan says, seeming just as surprised as I am. “Must be some mail my mom brought in.”

He walks over to the unopened letter and rips into it. Boys, I think, shaking my head. Clawing their mail open like a bear instead of neatly tearing open the top. I watch in anticipation as I see the landscape of his face change. The crease between his eyebrows deepens, his eyes scanning the letter faster and faster.

“What is it?” I ask.

“It’s—” he starts and stops, continuing to read.

“You’re killing me here. What is it!” I say in an attempt to lighten the dread gathering in my stomach.

“No, it’s just…” He trails off again, eyes moving down the paper. “Notre Dame University.”

His dream school.

Oh gosh. Did he not get in?

The look on his face isn’t a good one.

“Oh no. I’m so sorry, Declan.” I breathe, reaching for his forearm.

“No, no, it’s not that.” He shakes off my touch. “I got accepted.”

I swallow the lump in my throat.

“Oh! That’s…”

… 2,217 miles away from my dream school, I think to my-self.

“That’s awesome!” I try to smile up at him.

He shakes his head. “Blair, it’s not awesome. It’s a million miles away from where you’ll be.”

My final college letters had come in last week. I’d made it into three of the five I applied to, but only received a full ride to Pepperdine. Meaning I couldn’t go anywhere other than Pepperdine. Which would’ve been the happiest day of my life, had it not been the only school without a football team.

“Yes, but… but we both got into our dream schools. That’s amazing!” I force out.

He scoffs. I’ve never heard him make such a cold sound. “There’s nothing amazing about killing our relationship.”

I rear back in shock.

“It wouldn’t kill our relationship,” I say in a weak voice. “People do long distance all the time. We can make it work, we can—”

“But what about our plan? How are we going to have time for long distance when I’m training? If you thought high school football took up a lot of my time, you have no idea what’s in store. Multiply it all by a thousand and then add the time change, homework, and FaceTime or texting to the equation. It seems plausible at first but then try to keep it up for four whole years. It’s insanity.”

“So, you’d rather just end this? You don’t even want to try?” I say, voice wavering.

“Of course not, Blair.” He takes a step toward me, laying his hand on my shoulder, and I feel the ball of dread loosen for the first time. “You can just come with me. Right?”

“What?” Now I’m the one to flinch from under his touch.

“Come with me,” he repeats, green eyes boring into mine.

“What do you mean ‘come with you’? I didn’t get into Notre Dame.”

“I know, but…” he starts, ruffling his hair, his hand drifting down to rub his neck.

“Oh my gosh,” I breathe. “You have got to be kidding me.”

An unexpected burst of anger rises in me at the realization of what he’s offering. A second ago I felt tiny. Now, I feel the astonishment expanding beyond my body in heat waves. He wants me to drop my dreams of going to Pepperdine to follow him, where I’ll be without a degree, without a path to getting a career, and without anyone I know other than him.

“I know it sounds crazy but trust me.” He grabs both my shoulders, passion raising his voice. “I’ve already had coaches tell me they see more potential in me than most of the guys playing on their college teams right now. I can do this for us, Blair. I can support us.”

I shake my head. “That’s not the point, Declan. It’s not just about me. What about my mom? Do you even remember the reason I wanted to go to Pepperdine in the first place?”

He looks down, shaking his head like I didn’t understand him.

“It’s not just about my life. It’s about my mom’s too,” I spit. “And look at us! If step one of our ‘plan’ could go so awry then what makes you think steps two, three, and four will go smoothly? We don’t even know if you’ll make it to the NFL! I’m not going to follow you around like a puppy and cross my fingers, hoping you’ll make it in four years and still manage to love me in all that time too,” I seethe, hating myself as I hear the desperation in my voice. Whether it’s desperation to prove him wrong or to be understood, I don’t know.

Most of the kids at our school had the privilege of taking gap years to “find themselves,” to study abroad in London or Barcelona to experience a different culture for the fun of it. I didn’t have that privilege. Suggesting I did and could waltz over to whatever state Declan lived in to… what? Date him? How would I even afford to live there? The fact that he thought it possible at all showed how different our circumstances were.

I knew I couldn’t make anyone else care like I did. They didn’t see what I saw. My mother had been working on her feet at the convenience store since I was five. She was always complaining about her back. Always had sweat above her brow. She never brought a single friend or man over to the house, because it wasn’t hers. None of it was. It was all Lottie’s. I wanted to buy her freedom from that.