Just for the Summer(92)

“Because you deserve it.”

“No I don’t.”

“Yes,” he said. “You do. You take care of everyone in this house. You do driving hours with Alex and you help Sarah with homework and you give Chelsea baths. You read her stories and you do laundry and you help in my never-ending quest to keep all the dishes out of my brother’s room.”

I laughed a little but his face went serious.

“You deserve to be appreciated, Emma.”

“I think I’m just used to feeling like I’m asking too much when I need something. Unless it’s Maddy. My mom—”

“You’re not asking too much,” he said. “You were just asking the wrong person. Ask me instead.”

I peered at him, my eyes soft.

He kissed me again and I smiled after him as he got up to pour himself some coffee.

I did feel appreciated here. I liked being a part of this family. I liked Sarah’s Snaps and the funny sarcastic texts she’d started to send me during the day. I liked that Chelsea seemed to need me, that she found me comforting for some reason, like maybe I was the kind of adult I’d needed once and I was making a difference for her while she was missing her mom. I liked Alex’s Golden Retriever personality and how he was always happy, no matter what was going on. But most of all I liked that Justin was the leader of this band. A warm, capable patriarch who didn’t realize how strong and incredible he was.

They were all very lucky to have him.

I was lucky to have him.

At noon Maddy showed up to take me to lunch.

“Happy birthday,” she said, coming in the door sideways with an enormous gift bag while Brad yipped and jumped at her feet.

I shut the door behind her as Justin jogged down the stairs. “Hey.”

“Hey,” she said, handing me the empty bag. “For you.”

I laughed. This was our tradition. She never got me anything other than a gift card because it wouldn’t fit in my luggage. She always got me a certificate for a service or a restaurant and put it in the largest possible box or bag she could find. One year she used a refrigerator box she got behind a Best Buy.

We went to sit in the kitchen. Justin poured us iced teas and then took the seat next to me.

“So have you heard the Amber and Neil update?” Maddy asked, taking off her sweater.

I shook my head. “No.”

Justin glanced at me.

“What happened?” I asked.

“They broke up.”

“What?”

She nodded. “Yup.”

“How do you know?” Justin asked.

“Maria told me. I called to check in this morning. She said Neil came home yesterday and Maria told him everything that happened. Saw the video footage of the whole thing, and he still didn’t kick her out. I guess he had this come-to-Jesus with her, told her he’d help her and pay for whatever program she needed, and Amber got all pissed and said no. Then he told her if she wasn’t gonna get treatment, she couldn’t stay.”

I sat back in my chair, defeat washing over me. I don’t know why it surprised me. It didn’t really.

I shook my head. “She doesn’t have to pay rent, she doesn’t have to work,” I said. “He offered to take care of everything. I don’t get it. It’ll never be this easy again for her to get help.”

“You can’t help someone unless they want to be helped,” Justin said.

“Neil told her she has a week to find someplace to go,” Maddy said. “He’s going to put a down payment on an apartment for her if she wants. Maria’s like, super fucking happy.”

I grabbed a Wendy’s napkin off the table and folded it in half and then folded it in half again.

I already knew what came next.

She would vanish.

I squeezed my eyes shut and put my forehead into my hand. The roller coaster was never ending.

A part of me was relieved she was going to leave. The other part was scared for what would happen when she was gone. Because how long could she live like this? How long until her options ran out and she was too old to bounce from man to man and job to job? What would happen to her if she got injured or came down with a chronic illness or the games she used to manipulate people stopped working?

She would fall into my lap.

My whole life I was waiting for her to come back for me. And when she finally did, it wouldn’t be for me at all. It would be for lack of other options. It would be for her.

She wouldn’t try therapy. She wouldn’t accept help even when it was paid for in full and being handed to her on a plate.

Resentment bloomed in my chest. I don’t think it had ever been so clear to me before that Mom was responsible for her own circumstances. I always gave her an out. I always argued in her favor. She had bad credit, she had no support, no money, no help.

Only this time she did. And she didn’t want it.

“Did you ever get the results of the DNA test?” Maddy asked, breaking into my thoughts.

“Yeah,” I said glumly.

“You did? What did it say?”

I sniffed and sat back again. “I’m Irish and German. A little of a lot of things.”

“And relatives?”

“I didn’t look,” I said.

“Do you want to look?” she asked.