Midnight Purgatory (Bugrov Bratva #1)(51)

My eyes fly to his face. “You’re really gonna make me go down to the basement every weekend?”

“Like I said, it might not be every weekend. But this coming weekend—yes.”

“Exactly how many weekends do you anticipate I’ll be here for?”

“For as long as it takes to make sure the threat against you is taken care of.” He’s really sticking to that explanation but with every passing day, it feels more and more like a lame excuse.

“But why?”

He arches his eyebrows. “I didn’t think I’d need to remind you about the finger.”

I flinch and shudder at the memory. “Not that. I meant, why do I have to go down to the basement on weekends? The staff knows I’m here. Lev knows I’m here. Security knows I’m here. What’s the big deal?”

In my mind, that’s a simple question. But not judging from the look on Uri’s face. “That’s none of your concern.”

“Considering I’m the one who’s stuck down there, I’d say it is very much my concern.”

He scowls and looks away. “I’ll make sure you get more knitting supplies and crossword puzzles.”

I glare at him, but it doesn’t do a lick of good because he’s not actually looking at me. Why is he not looking at me? What is he hiding?

My heart drums hard against my chest and I find myself thinking about all the women he used to parade around here. Tall women, short women. Skinny women, curvy women. I’ve seen every hair color, ethnicity, and body type come through this estate. The one thing they all had in common was that each and every one of those women were absolutely gorgeous—and they knew it.

It strikes me that I’ve just assumed Uri stopped entertaining his Playboy Playmate dates at the estate since I entered it. But who’s to say if that’s true or not? Now that I really think about it, I don’t just feel embarrassed; I feel stupid. Why on Earth would he stop sleeping around just because I’m here? I’m nothing to him. Nothing more than an inconvenience.

“Is that from your sister?”

The question comes out of left field and it successfully distracts me from setting off on that particular downward spiral. I look down at my charm bracelet and of course, I’m fiddling with my Z link without even realizing it.

“Um, well… it was hers. Ziva’s. My sister. I started wearing it after—” The lump that forms in my throat is fat and ruthless. I swallow it away. “—just, after.”

He’s watching me close enough that I feel my cheeks burn. “You touch it every time you feel uncomfortable,” he observes.

I shrug. “It’s basically my safety blanket at this point.”

“That makes sense.”

I frown. “Does it?”

He glances at the bracelet. “I’m guessing before that bracelet, she was your safety blanket.”

“Oh my.” I haven’t even got a coherent word out and already I can feel the tears coming. I try to bite them down but the lump in my throat is back with a vengeance. I make the mistake of looking into his piercing blue eyes.

I’m not sure what I see in them. Sympathy? Understanding? Compassion? Whatever it is, a sob escapes my lips and then I’m fully crying.

“Dammit,” I choke up. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize.”

I wipe my face with the sleeve of my shirt but it doesn’t make a difference because the tears don’t stop. “God, I hate crying. This is embarrassing.”

“Why? You’re crying for someone you love. There’s no shame in that.”

He makes a good point. But unfortunately, it only makes the tears flow harder. The weight on my chest persists. That old familiar bruise. It’s been a while since I’ve sat with it like I’m doing now, but spending time with Lev has pulled it to the surface.

And since I’m already crying, I figure I might as well talk about it.

“I-it was… Leukemia,” I manage to burble out. “That’s what killed her.” Uri’s eyes soften considerably, though he says nothing. “It took me a very long time to learn how to live without her. Sometimes, I wonder if I’ve ever really learned to live without her.”

“It’s not the same thing,” he says gently. “It never will be. It took me a while to adjust, too.”

I raise my tear-stained eyes to his. “In what way?”

He sighs and his brows furrow. He looks disappointed. “Let’s just say I wasn’t always so patient with Lev. But—he’s alive. At least we didn’t lose him, too. That’s all that matters. That’s what I remind myself.”

My body angles towards him, drawn to the sadness on his face. I know that feeling; I can relate to that feeling. “It must have been hard to lose the brother you knew.”

“That’s exactly what it was. He was alive, but still… It felt like the boy he used to be was gone forever. He may have survived the crash but I mourned Lev as much as I mourned my parents.”

“Mourning,” I whisper. “It’s strange, isn’t it? To be left with all these thoughts and memories and feelings of this person you’ll never see again. This person who was stamped all over your life and then suddenly—”

“You’re alone.”