Next-Door Nemesis(30)

Also, while my mom was impressed with my craft skills, the rest of the neighborhood couldn’t care one way or the other. If I offer to set the flamingos up for them though? That changes everything. My neighbors give me carte blanche to do whatever I want as long as I guarantee that I won’t pull any “Big Brother crap” if they vote for me. I tell them I won’t even watch it on CBS, they chuckle, I chuckle, and that’s that.

Now two blocks are covered in flamingos and glittered yard signs and my wagon is topped with fresh supplies to take over a third. To make things even better, when I leave my backyard, I see my favorite opponent walking my way.

And he looks furious!

“Well, Benji-boy,” I say to the giant inflatable that is equal parts hilarious and terrifying as I wait for Nate to approach. “Time to let the fun and games ensue.”

“Wow.” Nate doesn’t miss a beat before going in. He stares up into Ben’s eyes before turning his incredulous stare to me. “So this is what we’re doing now?”

“I’m sorry?” I ask. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

I know exactly what he’s talking about.

“Really?” He gestures to Ben and my wagon full of flamingos. “You have no idea what I’m talking about?”

“Not a clue.” I shrug, knowing damn well that people feigning ignorance is one of his biggest pet peeves. “Now, if you don’t mind, I have neighbors to talk to, signs to distribute, and issues about the current HOA leadership to discuss.”

The last is total BS, but he doesn’t need to know that. It’s fun watching his pale skin turn hot pink. Messing with him is too damn easy.

Instead of turning around and heading home like I assumed he’d do, he steps in front of me, effectively preventing me from getting back on the campaign trail.

“You need to stop,” he whispers, and I know it’s to keep himself from screaming. “This is starting to get ridiculous.”

“Starting to get ridiculous? Seriously?” He attempted to blackmail me through the HOA at my parents’ barbecue. This has been ridiculous from the beginning! “You’re hilarious.”

“I’m failing to find the humor here.” He takes a step closer and I can practically feel the heat of his ire radiating off him.

“Nate, come on. Pull the stick out for a second and look around.” I drop the handle to my wagon and gesture to my parents’ front yard. “I spent two days decorating flamingos and making yard signs to run against you for the HOA. There’s a giant inflatable of Benjamin Franklin holding an American flag kite on my parents’ front lawn. Everything about this is hilarious.”

“To you!” he shouts, finally losing his temper and what’s left of his mind. “Everything’s a joke to you! You don’t take anything seriously. You can’t even take care of yourself. How are you going to run an HOA?”

“Get over yourself!” I step into his space, yelling right back. “Look around, Nate. It’s the fucking HOA! Nobody cares about it. In fact, most of the neighborhood wants it abolished.”

“That’s what they think they want until it happens and our property values decrease by five to six percent!”

“Are . . .” I trail off, momentarily dumbfounded by what’s happening here. “Are you shouting statistics at me?”

He inches toward me, closing the remaining space separating us, his face as red as my dad’s tomatoes. “I’m shouting facts!”

“Oh my god.” I throw my hands in the air. He’s impossible. “You even argue like a freaking nerd.”

“I’d rather be a nerd than whatever the hell this is.” He grabs one of my flamingos out of the wagon and waves it around like a madman. “Who paints flamingos? These aren’t even HOA approved.”

“Duh, Nate.” I roll my eyes knowing the effect is lost behind my sunglasses. “That’s the entire point. I’m not some megalomaniac out to rule over them with all my imaginary power. Collins Carter is for homeowners’ rights.”

“Collins Carter isn’t even a homeowner,” he snips back without hesitation. “And Collins Carter shouldn’t be in the race.”

“Just admit that you know I’m going to beat you and you’re scared.” I reach for my flamingo, but his grip tightens around its neck. “Maybe then I’ll drop out.”

“Please,” he scoffs in the cocky way only he can manage. “There’s no way you’re going to beat me. If anything, you covering the neighborhood in these tacky flamingos will prove how much they need me.”

My jaw falls to the ground. I’m overwhelmed by the bloody audacity of this man. It’s one thing to come to my house and talk shit to me, but to bring my flamingos into it? Absolutely not.

“How dare you.” I pull on the flamingo he’s still holding. “Give it back.”

“No, these aren’t HOA compliant.” He tugs even harder. “You can’t keep putting them everywhere.”

I latch on to the head with both hands, using my entire body to get it back. “The fuck I can’t.”

“You kiss your mother with that mouth?” He sneers and his knuckles turn white.

“Sure do.” The plastic neck starts to crumple beneath the pressure as I struggle to hold on. “But you’re welcome to use yours to kiss my ass!”