Nobody in Particular(68)

“Don’t do this to me,” I plead, and Danni blinks up at me, hurt flashing across her hazel eyes.

“What?” she asks.

“You said you didn’t want to be with me, and I completely respect that. But if we can’t be together, then that means we can’t blur the lines. And that’s your responsibility,” I tell her firmly when she opens her mouth to protest, because, in fairness, we simultaneously kissed each other just now. “Because I wanted to be with you, and if I could, I would. It’s you who didn’t want to be with me. So don’t make me say no to you when I don’t even want to.”

She stares at me, and I despise it, because she’s mesmerizingly beautiful, and I wish she wasn’t. And all I want to do is roll back time by half a minute and somehow turn a moment into an eternity, erasing the “after” altogether. I may only get one life, but if I had the choice, any choice in the matter at all, I would spend the rest of it kissing her—every wretched second I have left—just so I would never have to face breaking apart for the last time, knowing that eventually even the memory of her taste will be lost to me.

“I did want to be with you,” she says. “I just wanted to get the breakup over with before it could hurt too bad.”

“And did it work for you?” I ask. “Because it’s hurt me quite effectively.”

“All I have done is hurt,” she says, and her voice cracks. “I thought it would be okay, because it was early, but I’ve never been less okay in my whole freaking life. I hate it, and I hate myself for choosing it, because it sucks. It was the wrong choice, and I keep waiting for it to get easier, and it’s not happening.”

“So, what’s the point?” I ask her.

“There is no point! I’m already screwed. I was screwed from the second I kissed you. I think I was screwed from the second I met you. You’re going to hurt me either way, and the worst thing is, if it means I can have you now, I don’t even think I mind anymore, because whatever happens months or years from now can’t hurt worse than this.”

She catches her breath, and I once more resist the urge to touch her. I don’t trust where it will lead, and I need to know exactly where we stand first. “What do you want, Danni?”

With a sigh, she raises her hands then lets them fall limply to her sides. “For things to be simple.”

I survey her soberly. “Well, I can’t give you that.”

“What can you give me, then?”

“Me,” I say. “Just me.”

She takes my hands, and I don’t tear them away, but I avert my eyes, to be safe. “Is that enough for you?” I ask over her head. “Being with me isn’t easy.”

“I don’t think it will be,” she agrees softly. “But being without you is impossible. Hurt me later, please. Not now.”

At this, finally, I look at her.

This time, she kisses me first.

This time, I’m not afraid for it to end.





TWENTY-NINE

ROSE




“I want to tell you something. Both because we’re friends, and because it affects you.”

I’ve come to meet Alfie at Ashford Academy, as this didn’t seem to be an appropriate conversation to hold over a video call. Though Bramppath students aren’t usually welcomed outside of brother-sister school events, being a princess has its perks. I was not allowed to venture past the reception desk, however, so Alfie and I opted to hover in a private spot near the wrought-iron gate bordering the front of the office’s gardens. It’s bitterly cold out here, and we’re both hugging our arms to ourselves despite our thick winter coats.

“It sounds serious.” He smiles.

“Alfie, I’m a lesbian.”

It’s blunt, but I’m worried if I put it off for long the words may never leave my lips.

He blinks in surprise, and brushes a lock of brown hair out of his face. “Oh,” he says, looking distinctly taken aback, which I’d expected, and somewhat amused, which I hadn’t.

“Yes,” I say. “So … hold on, why did you say it like that?”

“Well, it explains the kiss.”

“You said it wasn’t that bad.”

“Well it certainly wasn’t that good,” he says, breaking into a chuckle. The first friend I’ve formally—and on purpose—come out to, and it devolves immediately into personal insults. I am aggrieved.

“You went in for another!”

“Yes, just in case it was nerves the first time!”

“Okay, well, now you know. It wasn’t nerves, it was because I’m a lesbian, and even though you’re very pretty, and I adore you, it’s physically impossible for me to enjoy kissing you.”

“‘Physically impossible to enjoy kissing you’ is just what every guy wants to hear, Rosie. Stop flattering me, I’m blushing.”

“Anyway, my point is that I think it’s time to stop the fake relationship.”

“You’re fake breaking up with me?”

“I am.”

“On this day? Of all days?”

I pause, stricken. “Wait, what’s today?”

He breaks into a grin. “Nothing, I just wanted to see your face. So, what’s the correlation here? Unless—” He brightens. “Are you telling me you’re dating someone?”