On the Shore (Cottonwood Cove, #3)(69)
I laughed. “You are so ridiculous. You’re not my boss; you’re my lover.”
We walked through the backyard and into the house.
“You can be the boss of me anytime you want, sweetheart.”
“Yeah? I can tell you whatever I want you to do, and you’ll do it?”
“Correct.” He handed me a bottle of water and tugged me close.
“How about we read that letter?” It had been sitting on the counter for the last two days since Romeo left, and he kept putting it off.
“What do I get if I read the fucking letter?” He thrust against me, letting me know exactly what he wanted.
“How about we read the letter, and then you can have your way with me in the shower?”
“Fine. You read it. I’ll listen.” He handed me the letter and moved to the table where we settled across from one another. Lincoln had a thick skin, and he wanted everyone to believe he didn’t care because he didn’t know his father. But it was something that had always bothered him, so he obviously cared. And I hoped that this could be a form of closure for him.
I opened the sealed envelope and pulled out the lined notebook paper before glancing up at him to make sure he was okay with me moving forward. He gave me a slight nod, and I unfolded the paper.
A photo of what looked like a young Lincoln and Abi was inside the letter, and I handed him the photo. He stared at it for a few moments and then nodded at me to start.
The letter was handwritten in black ink.
I turned the paper around to show him the date.
“He wrote this last fall,” I said, and Lincoln nodded.
“Lincoln, Hell, I’ve tried to write this letter a million times, and I couldn’t find the words. But tonight, I watched you play the Cougars and dominate the football game on TV. It’s hard for me to wrap my head around it—that I had any part in creating such a magnificent man. I’ve been keeping tabs on you where I could without getting too close, and I have to shake my head every time I learn more about you. A straight-A student, a superior athlete, and a great son to Abi. I’m not deserving of any ounce of your light, so I’ll watch from a distance. But I need you to know that I didn’t walk away because I didn’t love you and your mom. I walked away because I didn’t love myself.” I paused to clear my throat and take a sip of water. I glanced up at Lincoln, and his face was hard as he listened. So, I returned my gaze to the paper.
“I’m not here to make excuses. I didn’t have a great upbringing, and I wasn’t worthy of your mother. I knew it the first time I met her, but I couldn’t walk away back then. The pull was too strong. She was all goodness and sunshine and warmth. Something I didn’t feel deserving of back then. And when she got pregnant with you, I panicked. I wasn’t ready. She embraced it. Worked double shifts and read everything she could about becoming a mother. I turned to the bottle and drugs and anything I could to escape. When you came into the world, I was there. I watched you take your first breath,” I said, and my voice cracked. I could feel the pain in his words. Lincoln’s face remained hard, and I continued.
“Your mother told me I hadn’t earned the right to give you my name, and she was right. I’d abandoned her long before you entered the world. She’d made it clear that if I wasn’t going to step up and be the man you both deserved, she’d do it all on her own. And there was no doubt in my mind that she meant it. So, I stuck around for a few days and then tucked tail and ran.” I paused to take a breath because this was heavier than I’d imagined it would be and watched as Lincoln took a long pull from his water bottle. The way his Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat and his jaw ticked from clenching his teeth so hard had my heart squeezing.
“You okay?”
“Yep. Finish it up. Let’s get this done.”
I nodded. “I know I don’t deserve the title of being your father. I’ve known it every day since the day you were born. But I want you to know that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. I wish I’d been man enough to step up to the plate back then. Man enough to show up on your birthdays and Christmas and attend your football games. It’s the very least I could have done. But fear had a choke hold on me, Lincoln. And I didn’t want to face what I’d done to you, so I let more and more time go by, terrified to look into your eyes and see the disappointment that I knew would be there.
“I am writing this now because I’ve recently learned that I have a lot of health issues. My family doesn’t know it, and I’m doing what I can to step up the only way I know how in the time I have left. I have two more children, Romeo and Tia. It’s important to me that you know I don’t love them any more than I love you.
There has not been one day in your life that has gone by that I haven’t thought of you. I’ve carried this picture of you in my wallet every day. Every single day, I apologize to you in my prayers. Yeah, I’ve fucked up a lot in my life, but I still pray every night. And you’re the first thought and the first one I pray for before I go to sleep. I may not have been able to make things right in my lifetime, but I’d be really happy if my three children could find their way to one another. They don’t know about you, and I won’t tell them because you are the one who deserves the right to make that decision. So, I’m going to leave this letter for my wife and hope it finds its way to you. And then the ball will be in your court.” I paused again and let out a long breath.