Phoebe Berman's Gonna Lose It(92)
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Sandy promised that everything I was feeling was normal, especially for someone prone to obsessive thinking. We’ve spent the past month working on strategies to cope with something called “relationship OCD.” I’ve even been inspired to start a new project:
Phoebe’s Guide to Managing Her OCD
A Checklist
This list has no end date and no timeline. It’s a work in progress.
“So, am I just going to come down with a different mental illness for every stage of my life?” I had asked Sandy.
“It’s all pretty much the same one.” Sandy smiled. “It just changes as you do.”
“Oh,” I said, flatly. “Great.”
Sandy smiled at that. And then I did, too.
* * *
—
I used to hate the way my brain worked. Sometimes I still do. But I’ve learned to stop beating myself up over it. If the past few months have taught me anything, it’s that everyone has their own hang-ups—their own virginities to lose, so to speak.
There’s nothing wrong with that. And there’s nothing wrong with me.
There never was.
Acknowledgments
Writing this book has changed my life in every way imaginable, and I am forever indebted to so many people for making this experience possible.
I have to start by thanking my incredible literary agents, Kelly Karczewski and Madison Hernick. The idea for Phoebe would be nothing more than that, a little nugget in the Notes app of my phone, if you hadn’t encouraged me to write it. You held my hand through months of self-doubt and early chapters full of mediocre writing, always believing in me and this story even when I didn’t. Your notes, literary expertise, and friendship are the reasons I can proudly call myself an author now. There is no book without you. I love you both so much.
Thank you to everyone else at UTA Publishing who championed this book: Byrd Leavell and the entire foreign rights team: Yona Levin, Ethan Schlatter, Melissa Chinchillo, and Katie Harrison at CBG. The rest of my team at UTA: Rebecca Bibb, who has been with me since the very beginning, Hannah Waitze, Kirby van Erkel, Olivia Fanaro, Mirabel Michelson. You are all rock stars.
Thank you to my incredible editor at Crown, Lori Kusatzky, for helping me find the best possible structure to tell this story. You are a master at your craft. I can’t wait to get started on book two with you. Thank you to Amy Einhorn for throwing your might behind Phoebe and to everyone else at Crown who played a part in turning this story into a book: Annsley Rosner, Elora Weil, Lindsay Cook, Dyana Messina, Kimberly Lew, Allyson Coy, and Julie Cepler. You’re the dream team!
I’m so grateful to Sarah Horgan for designing the cover of my dreams. And thank you to everyone else on the design team at Penguin Random House for making this the prettiest book in all the land.
To my dear podcast co-host Connor Wood and our amazing producer Izzy Gatti: Thank you for letting me hijack BNCMAP for the past year and a half to talk about my book. I love you both a whole bunch. And to the rest of the team at TMG Studios for keeping things running seamlessly every week. You’re the greatest.
Thank you to my parents for encouraging me to pursue my passions at every juncture. Whether I was teaching, TikToking, podcasting, or writing, you have cheered me on every step of the way. And to my siblings, Gabi and Noah, for growing up with me, seeing the worst that I have to offer, and still calling yourselves my biggest fans. I adore you.
Mommom and Poppop. Where would I be without our thirty years of sleepovers? I don’t even want to think about it. Thank you for everything. You are the loves of my life.
Though this book is a work of fiction, the love that Phoebe feels for her friends is based entirely on the way that I feel about my LA family. My group chat. You have been the greatest part of my twenties. Thank you for inspiring me to write this book—it is my love letter to you.
Lastly, to the fans who have been here since I started reading my childhood diary entries on TikTok in 2020. To everyone who has ever listened to an episode of Brooke & Connor Make a Podcast. To anyone who has liked, commented, or laughed at anything I’ve done online over the past six years. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I know I technically dedicated this book to the nervous pukers, but if you want to know a secret, it’s really for all of you. Don’t tell.
About the Author
Brooke Averick is best known for her podcast, Brooke & Connor Make a Podcast, where she speaks candidly and humorously about her struggles with OCD, anxiety, and depression, as well as her latest celebrity crushes, all while trying to convince her co-host to appreciate the magic of musical theater. She’s amassed a social media following of over 1.5 million across numerous platforms. She studied early childhood education at Boston University and currently lives in Los Angeles with her two cats, Jonathan and Robert. Phoebe Berman’s Gonna Lose It is her first novel.