Problematic Summer Romance (Not in Love, #2)(62)

“Such as?”

“I’d want the parenting to be evenly split. I’d have to restructure my work schedule. My habits.”

“You could do that.”

“Yeah, I…Yeah. What about you? Do you want a family?”

“I love kids. They’re just fun, you know? But I love the idea of having my own kids. I know Eli loathed Mom and Dad, but I had so much fun with them. I would tease them and they’d get all mad at me and then I’d tease them even more, and they’d look at each other as if to say, ‘What even is this terrible child we made?’ But with pride. I’d like something like that.” I swallow. “I’d love to make someone feel the way they made me feel. Like the world doesn’t have to be a terrible, scary, lonely place. Like life can be kind.”

He doesn’t say anything for a long while, and neither do I.


One year, one week earlier

Austin, Texas

“There must be one you hate a bit less.”

“Nope.”

“Come on.”

“Maya, my brothers are all assholes of equal proportions. Which means that they deserve hate in equal proportions.”

“Okay, let’s say…I’m pointing a gun at your head.”

“No, you’re not.”

“I am. Use your imagination. Full immersion. I’m pointing a gun at your head—”

“What gun?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know guns.”

“What kind of Texan are you?”

I roll my eyes. “It’s a rifle. Those long ones that they used a million years ago.”

“Those are difficult to use.”

“Okay, fine. Scratch that. I have a baseball bat in my hands. I could swing it at your head any second.”

“Yeah, that does sound more like you.”

“Right? My anger issues are all aflutter. Anyway, it’s you, me, and the bat. And I’m asking you to choose, among your brothers, one you dislike less than the others. You have time to think about it. No rush.”

He’s silent. I am, too. Tethered together through a satellite that’s a million miles away. I could drive to his house and be there in ten minutes, but I won’t.

“Okay, I’ve got my answer.”

“And?”

“Swing with all your might, Trouble.”


Ten months, two weeks earlier

Austin, Texas

“Do you still think that Alfie was the one?” he asks after a lull so prolonged, I can’t recall what our previous topic of conversation was.

It’s well past midnight. The unpredictable, witching hour. The time when we talk about things we shouldn’t. Slow conversations. Lots of drifting off. Questions and answers that don’t quite connect.

I’m lying on my side. Sleepy. Listening to the low buzz of the AC. Jade stumbled home late, with someone I don’t know, and the occasional bout of laughter vibrates through the walls, making me smile.

“I know he wasn’t. I guess…Maybe I was infatuated with him?” I think about it. “I liked his teeth.”

A huff. “Maybe it was love, then.”

“Shut up.” I stretch, lazy. “Was Minami your first love?”

“I think so, yes.”

“Did you know it right away?”

“No, no. There wasn’t a lot of it going around, while I was growing up. Love, I mean. So it was hard to recognize it. And there were women before, but…”

The quiet stretches. A car drives by, headlights flooding my room.

“How did that…What was it like, being in love for the first time?”

“Nice. It was nice. I was relieved that…”

“That?”

A lingering pause. “I’ve told you, already. How similar I am to my dad. All I wanted was to have something a bit more…”

“More?”

“Nice. Quiet. Sustainable. It was a relief, finding Minami. Our tempers were complementary. She brought out the best in me. Didn’t have to deal with the bad parts. Or the fucked-up ones.”

I laugh. Soft, but he hears me.

“What?” he asks.

“That’s not really the sign of a healthy relationship, no? Hiding parts of you?”

“It is if two people are well matched. If the relationship is respectful and gentle.”

More laughter. “Gentle.”

“What’s funny about it?”

“Just…I don’t think that’s all there is to it. To love, I mean.”

“Don’t you think that love means wanting to protect someone from the less pleasant aspects of yourself?”

“I mean…I don’t know. But what you just said about Minami, it sounds like you’re talking about a glass figurine.” I yawn. “Something to put on a pedestal, or in a glass case. Not a person.”

I fall asleep before he replies.





Chapter 26




Present day

Taormina, Italy

Maya: This is going to be odd, and you are well within your rights to block me, but…Hi, Scarlett. This is Maya. Your boyfriend and I met last night after the pasta class. I hope it’s okay that I’m writing you?