Rewind It Back (Windy City, #5)(129)

We both know it’s not actually you that she’s angry with.

“I know.” I offer her an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry about that.”

Shaking her head, she tells me not to be.

“That’s why I cut my hair. I didn’t want to look anything like her.”

“Hallie.” More tears well in her eyes and she reaches across the table to put her hand over mine. “You’re not her, honey.”

“I am so sorry for what she did, and I’m even more sorry that I didn’t tell you when I had the chance.”

She inhales a shaky breath. “I had no idea that she said that to you. I had no idea your dad was sick. Is he . . .”

“He’s good.” I allow the genuine smile to lift. “He lives in Minnesota with my brother’s family now.”

“Luke has his own family?”

“He does. A wife and a son.”

“Wow.” She nods to herself as a long beat of time passes between us. “Hallie, I am so sorry that you were put in that position with an impossible choice to make.”

“And still I made the wrong one.”

“You’re only feeling that way because hindsight is 20/20. I know how much your dad means to you. You must have been so scared.”

“I was terrified.”

“And then I was horrible to you.”

I shake my head. “If I were in your shoes, I probably would’ve been horrible to me too.”

“If I can explain my side, at the time, it felt like everyone was lying to me. Your mom was my best friend. He was my partner for over thirty years. And I thought of you as my daughter. Then, just like that”—she snaps her fingers—“it was all taken away, and all I had left was my son.”

I nod in understanding.

“Hallie.” She exhales a long breath. “You should know that the reason Rio ended things with you the way he did is because of me.”

“He was a grown man. That was his choice.”

“Yes, but much in the way your mom made the choice for you by scaring you when she told you not to tell anyone about what you knew, I made the choice for my son.”

She allows that statement to linger for a long while.

“I was alone for the first time in my life. I had just lost my husband and my closest friend, and I needed someone, anyone, to be on my team. I was so angry and so hurt that I made sure my son felt that same hurt too.”

“I can understand that. You wanted him to have your back, but he always has.”

“He has, but I wasn’t thinking clearly at the time. To be honest, whenever I reflect on that time in my life, logic flies right out the window. There was no part of me that was okay with the only person on my team having a relationship with her daughter.” She closes her eyes for a moment. “And I made sure he understood that. Without saying the words, I made him choose.”

She looks up at me cautiously, like she’s expecting some kind of explosive reaction from me. But nothing about that admission is surprising. I saw her that day. She was in fight or flight mode, and from what Rio has told me, those survival instincts have lasted for years.

How exhausting for her.

“He was all I had left, Hallie.”

“I know.”

“I just wanted my family back, but he was all I had left.” She shakes her head. “If he was with you, it meant he was on her side and that your mom had won. I know it sounds ridiculous now, but it made complete sense to me at the time. She would’ve taken every part of my family.”

Realization dawns on me. “All this time, you thought I was protecting my mom by not telling you about the affair.”

She smiles regretfully. “I did.”

“No,” I quickly say. “I was always on your side. I was always on Rio’s side. I’m on Luke’s side, and my dad’s side. We haven’t had contact with her in years. Not since we moved away from here.”

Mrs. DeLuca’s brows furrow and I watch as she lets all those pieces fall into place.

“We were all on the same side,” I tell her. “And I’m sorry I didn’t make that clearer at the time by telling you when I had the chance.”

She uses the back of her hands to pat at her face. “I’ve spent about six years trying to avoid the regret I have from putting my son in the position to choose. There’s this stubborn part of me that hoped if I never acknowledged what I did was wrong, or if Rio never talked about you or your family again, that regret would be irrelevant. I could bury those feelings.

“Then, a couple months ago, when he visited last, he talked about you, and as soon as he did, my walls went up. I was terrified that my only child was going to hate me for making him choose all those years ago, but at the same time, I couldn’t stop myself from doing it again. I wasn’t ready to dissociate you from your mom. Regret is not easy to live with, and I tried to convince myself that I didn’t regret my choices, but Hallie, I do.”

“I know.” I quickly nod. “I’ve regretted my choices for just as long.”

She offers me an understanding smile. “It can feel suffocating once you let it in. Consuming and debilitating. But I was wrong. What I asked of him was wrong. When he told me about you living next door to him again, I was triggered, but it wasn’t necessarily you, Hallie. It was the memory of how painful that time was. I didn’t want to relive it.”