Romantic Comedy(20)

At that time, he was years away from being named head writer—we were part of a writing staff of twelve—and we became close friends. We didn’t write together, but for my second season on the show, we were editors of each other’s work, brainstorming ahead of time and punching up early drafts, and our compatibility had the unfortunate effect of making me think we were in love. I hadn’t dated anyone since my divorce, which had become official a few months after I’d arrived at TNO. Unlike in the dynamic with my ex-husband, Elliot and I shared a shorthand, a general sensibility, and the same incredibly weird schedule. After holding in my feelings for seven months, I half-drunkenly confessed my love to him at the after-party following the season finale of my second year, he rebuffed me, I cried to a writer named Stephanie while she ate a plate of grilled sesame shrimp and scallions, and I never again was close to Elliot. For the subsequent seven years, while frequently attending the same meetings and passing each other in the studio, we’d spoken only when necessary.

But I neither longed for nor resented him, as I’d always sensed he believed. Though I’d been hurt and humiliated by his rejection, it had, I soon realized, freed me and offered clarity. I would never again risk poisoning TNO for myself by falling for or trying to date anyone there. And this decision made me see that there was a different way I wrote when, even subconsciously, I was seeking male approval, male sexual approval: a more coy way, more reserved, more nervous about being perceived as angry or vulgar. It was the syntactical equivalent of dressing up as a sexy zombie for Halloween. From my third season on, I’d embraced my anger and vulgarity. I’d been a gross zombie.

I began writing about ostensibly female topics—camel toe and wage inequity, polycystic ovary syndrome and Jane Austen, Do-si-dos and Trefoils and mammograms and shapewear and Dirty Dancing and the so-called likeability of female politicians. By October of that year, I’d written my first viral sketch, Nancy Drew and the Disappearing Access to Abortion, in which Henrietta played the amateur detective. By December, I’d written my second, My Girlfriend Never Farts, which was a digital short that interspersed men at a bachelor party remarking on how their girlfriends and wives always smelled great and were hairless interspersed with shots of the women grunting and sweating as they moved a couch up a staircase, writhing on the toilet with explosive diarrhea, and giving instructions to an aesthetician who was waxing their buttholes. I didn’t try to be disgusting for the sake of being disgusting, but I didn’t try not to be disgusting.

A few years after not reciprocating my feelings, Elliot appeared to develop an almost identical friendship with another new female writer except that I had the impression they were hooking up, but it didn’t last. The same season that Elliot became head writer, Nicola Dornan was a musical guest on the show, they began dating, and a year after that, they got married. This development did seem to vindicate his apparent belief that he shouldn’t have settled for me. Quite a few people from TNO had been invited to the wedding, and I hadn’t been one of them.

All of which was to say, as we stood in the hallway outside his office, below a framed photo of a legendary TNO alum from the first season dressed as the Easter bunny—many such photos adorned the halls—I knew that Elliot was saying he hoped someday I could get over him.

I tried to sound persuasively non-defensive as I said, “Really and truly, Elliot, the Danny Horst Rule sketch isn’t about you. It’s not revenge for you marrying Nicola.”

The expression on his face was sympathetic and disbelieving, which made me realize I’d have vastly preferred unsympathetic and believing. Somberly, he said, “You have good qualities, Sally. You’re not out of the game unless you think you are.”

I was filled with such loathing for him that it almost retroactively tainted the wise yet not entirely dissimilar work advice he’d given me years before. I was trying to come up with a reply that would seem polite while actually functioning as a retort—Fuck you was neither adequately clever nor subtle—when he added, “You know, you should try to get Annabel to do a cameo for the sketch.”

Simultaneously, I thought that he was right; that this was a suggestion he’d have considered corny before he became head writer but now a celebrity cameo would increase the afterlife of a sketch online and gain him points with Nigel; and that I respected his ability to collaborate with me professionally even as he condescended to me personally.

“That’s not a bad idea,” I said.

THURSDAY, 1:51 A.M.

After climbing into bed, I lay on my back, propped up against the headboard by two pillows, and tapped the icon for the music app on my phone. As soon as I typed No in the search bar, the letters autofilled to Noah Brewster. The first song that came up was “Making Love in July,” which had, apparently, on this app alone, been streamed 475 million times. The number didn’t make me like the song, but as someone who felt proud when a million people viewed one of my sketches on YouTube, I found it hard not to be impressed. I listened to a few of Noah’s other most popular songs that I didn’t recognize by name—one was called “Sober & Thirsty” and another was called “Topanga Sunshine”—then typed Noah Brewster deep cuts. A two-hour-and-forty-eight-minute playlist featuring thirty-nine songs came up, made by another subscriber to the streaming service whose username was BestBrewstyFanBarcelona. The playlist had zero likes, and the user had eight followers. I hit the play arrow, set my phone on the nightstand, and closed my eyes as a song called “All Regrets” started, a first person narrative about the promise and excitement of a new relationship, the heartbreak when it collapsed, and the sorrow not about losing the woman but about being wrong once again in his romantic optimism. Both the lyrics and melody were straightforward, and though I wasn’t knowledgeable about what was going on with his guitar, the other instruments, or the backup vocals, the song was pleasurable to listen to at the same time that it was devastatingly sad.