Sauter (Ironside Academy, #3)(123)

“The list is long,” Gabriel added.

“Infuriatingly long,” Niko chimed in. “Sometimes, when I can’t sleep, I read it just to pass out from boredom.”

“Does that mean you’re joining?” Theodore asked, his deep voice uncertain. “We’re really doing this together?”

That little spark of joy was back again, threatening to turn into a bonfire if she wasn’t careful.

“I … guess I’m joining,” she said, squealing when Theodore suddenly squeezed her and stood, spinning her around.

The others all stood as well, gathering together in the middle of the living room. Kilian snatched her as soon as Theodore set her down, pulling her back against his chest.

“Is that everything?” she asked, a little breathless from the rush of adrenaline. “No more secrets now?”

For some reason, several of them glanced over her head at Kilian, who stiffened.

“Maybe one more secret,” he admitted gently. “Please don’t hate me, Illy.”

“What?” She spun around, getting whiplash from her own emotions.

“I’m not gay,” he said plainly.

She just stared at him.

“All right, let’s leave them to it,” Kalen snapped. “Everyone back to bed. You two—go to your room for this discussion before the cameras reset.”

Kilian brushed past her as the rest of the Alphas left the room, and she was left standing there alone with her mouth unhinged for a few minutes before she stormed into the room after him, slamming the door.

“What?” she whisper-yelled. “The fuck, Kilian?”

His pale cheeks flooded with colour, and he sat on his window seat, his head falling into his hands. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

“So … you’re bi?” she choked out. “Or is the ex-boyfriend also fake?”

“No, he’s real. And I’m sexually fluid. Sometimes I feel gay, sometimes I feel bi, and whenever you’re in the room I feel straighter than Niko dancing to a 90s playlist.”

“I don’t understand.” She choked on an unwilling laugh, and then quickly cleared her throat to pretend it didn’t happen at all. “Why would you have to keep that secret?”

“I didn’t have to. At first, you just assumed and usually I just let people assume whatever they want, but then … I guess I felt like I was your only safe option and that you needed me to stay that way. And since everyone else here also made the assumption that I’m gay, I figured it would be good for you to have at least one public surrogate that people didn’t gossip about.”

She winced. “Obviously I’d prefer you didn’t hide who you are to make me comfortable.”

He groaned. “I know, Illy. I’ve just been really worried about you.”

“I’ve been really worried about you!” she shot back, planting her hands on her hips.

“I know, baby.” He was actually pouting.

Colour flooded high into her cheeks. “You can’t call me that anymore.”

“Why not?” His pout grew more pronounced.

“Because …” She started pacing, pausing every now and then to glare at him. “Oh my god, I can’t believe this.”

“I can still be a safe option for you.” He stood up, interrupting her pacing path by planting himself in her way. “Nothing has to change.”

“You kissed me,” she said numbly, staring up at him. “To …”

“Because I wanted to,” he inserted. “Aron was my first boyfriend and I’ve never had a girlfriend. I guess I was a late bloomer. I don’t know. I just really needed to kiss you.”

“And?” she asked, afraid of what else he might say.

“I want to do it again,” he rumbled, before his eyes widened and he quickly straightened, almost like he didn’t realise he had been looming over her. “Just to be honest. But I can control myself. You don’t have to worry about me.”

“H-How long have you felt like that?” She gaped at him, her stomach flipping over, nervous tingles running all through her limbs.

“Since I snuck into your room while you were sleeping, saw your note to Theodore and found out it was your birthday.”

“What?” she croaked, her mind going blank. “I … the next day there was a cupcake—”

“That was me.” He surveyed her warily. “And I took a photo of your note and showed it to Theodore. That’s how he got your number. That’s why he texted you.”

“You … asshole,” she finished lamely. “I’m so mad at you.”

“You don’t sound mad.” He stepped forward, tilting his head in curiosity.

She wasn’t at all.

She was relieved.

Because she really, really liked Kilian. And not as a friend.

And not just him.

She released a nervous laugh, shaking her head. “You’re right. I’m more embarrassed that I never actually asked if you were gay or not. I just assumed. You must get that all the time. I’m sorry.”

“So you forgive me?” He caught her cheeks, drifting another step closer, their bodies almost touching. “I’ll still be your gay bestie in public so that you have a safe option in front of the cameras. But … do you want me to keep pretending in private?”