Say You'll Remember Me(58)

He was in the reception area. I could see him through the glass. I stopped to watch him. He was crouched with his back to me, talking to a golden retriever—well, talking to the golden’s dad, but looking at the dog. The blue scrubs. No white coat today.

I could see just enough of his face without him seeing me. His beard was fuller than last time. I liked it, it looked good on him. He was ruffling the dog’s ears and smiling at it.

My heart swelled just looking at him.

All worry and doubt I had fell away.

And then I realized. None of the fear and worry I had was because I didn’t think it would work. The fear and worry was because I knew it would.

I was going to fall in love with this man. I was already halfway there.

And he was going to live where the seasons turned, and I was going to live where they didn’t and somehow we’d still have to try to be on a parallel line.

There would be weeks upon weeks of boring gray without him and then two or three days of color.

And that would be what we got.

I could break up with him and suffer. Or I could date him and take what I could. Make memories when I could.

With everything in life, it’s what you can live with. It always is. And this was still better than nothing.

Xavier stood, still talking to the man. I watched my boyfriend gesture to an exam room and the man and his dog headed toward it. Then Xavier glanced at me, standing outside his door. There was a split second of blank. The blank I got from Mom. The nothingness. Then a wave of beautiful recognition moved across his face.

I’d taken recognition for granted my whole life. The way it lights someone up, how it can speak to you without a word across a crowded room. That split second of raw reaction when you’re seen and known. Relief, joy, happiness at locking eyes with someone you were looking for or seeing someone you didn’t expect.

I’d never see that on Mom again.

But I’d see this moment over and over in my memories for the rest of my life. Xavier holding my gaze through a pane of glass. The grin that spread across his face. The unmasked emotion coming off him because he was as excited to see me as I was to see him. Him bursting through the door, grabbing me, and pulling me into a warm hug that instantly voided the chill in the air I squeezed my eyes shut and let myself feel it. I wanted to feel how it felt to come home.

So this was going to be my life now. Long droughts without him, with short bursts of this.

This was worth it.





25





SAMANTHA


HE UNLOCKED THE door to his apartment and held it open for me.

“I wish you would have told me you were coming. I would have gotten iced coffee for the fridge.”

He was still smiling.

I remembered all the times Mom would come surprise me at grade school with lunch from some fast-food place I liked. I’d be glowing the whole rest of the day. I’d loved when she stepped into my little world. Sit with me at the long lunch table and talk to my friends. After we’d eaten I’d walk her down the hall and show her the artwork I’d done, hanging on the walls. I felt so proud to show her off.

I think it was a little like that for Xavier.

He’d shown me around the employee-only area of the clinic, introduced me formally to Tina and Maggie—who were vibrating, they were so happy to officially meet me. I got the sense from the private knowing glances that the women had given each other that Xavier did not grin at work. He’d been grinning the whole time. I’d loved it.

I got to see his office and the break table where he ate his lunches and the photo of the grand opening. I played with Jake.

I’d stood for an extra-long time in front of his framed veterinary license on the wall, studying it. I was so proud of him.

He’d done that. He was that smart. That driven. He’d done that without a family at his back, helping him along or propping him up. His friends had been there, but it’s not the same.

Looking around his office, I could see why he wouldn’t walk away from this. He’d worked way too hard for it. I wouldn’t want him to give any of this up or ruin his life by leaving it behind.

Not even for me.

“Where do you want to eat dinner?” he said, taking my luggage to his room.

“I don’t care,” I said, looking around. His apartment was clean, like it had been the first time I was there. Jake from State Farm plopped onto a dog bed next to the sofa that hadn’t been there last time. Still no clown suits. I followed Xavier into his bedroom.

I’d never been in here.

His bed was roughly made, like he’d had only a second to put it together when he’d left. No clothes on the floor. A hoodie I was going to steal and a towel tossed on a chair, but otherwise neat.

He had a shell on his nightstand.

He swiveled my luggage into a corner, then turned around and pulled me into another embrace. He was so happy to see me. I could feel it in his arms, in his energy. It pulsed through him like electricity and it lit me up too.

He leaned down and kissed me, smiling against my mouth. “Go somewhere or delivery?” he whispered.

“Hmmmm,” I said, feeling the hard edge of something I liked pressing through his scrubs. “Delivery.”

He dipped his head to kiss me again. We kissed for a long time. We kissed like kissing was the whole point. Like we’d both been thinking about this one thing and now we finally got to do it and all we wanted was to stand here and get really good at it. He was hard and I could feel him against my thigh, but it wasn’t about that yet. It was just about this.