Say a Little Prayer(63)

But I think I know exactly what she means. That this is wrong, even if no one can see us. That it’s still a sin because her father said so. The revelation is strangely numb in the hollow cavern of my chest, like I’m watching it happen to someone else. I swallow over the painful lump in my throat. “?‘I don’t always think he’s right, you know.’?”

Julia blinks. “What?”

“That’s what you said.” I wave a hand at the stage. “?‘I don’t always think he’s right.’ Doesn’t that extend to this, too?”

“That’s not…” Julia’s mouth presses into a thin, pale line. “This is different.”

“No, it’s not.” I step forward, reaching for her even now. “Do you remember what he said that first day? That the seven deadly sins are like a one-way ticket to hell? He said they were absolute, that there’s no room for nuance, but he was wrong. He’s been wrong about so many things, Julia. Yesterday, Amanda and I broke all those little ornaments hanging from our base in the woods. It was wrath, sure, but it felt good. And the night before when we all snuck into the kitchen? That was gluttony, but the alternative was literally starving until morning. That’s not a bad thing!”

It feels good to talk about this after a week of silence. My words tumble over each other like they’re afraid of getting left behind, and when I reach for Julia’s hand, she lets me take it.

“I’m supposed to write that essay, remember? Mr. Rider wants to know what I learn here, and this is it. That it’s not all black and white. I’ve been committing the seven deadly sins—sloth, greed, gluttony, wrath, lust.” I tick them off on my fingers. “They’re not necessarily bad, and it’s way more complicated than he wants us to believe.”

Julia’s gaze flicks over my face. “You’re doing what?”

“It’s fine,” I say. “They’re just empty threats, Julia. Something your dad uses to control the people around him, and I can finally prove it.”

“Oh.” Julia’s face is unreadable, but her hands have gone cold. Slowly, she extricates herself from my grip. “So that’s why you kissed me? To check another sin off your list?”

She might as well have slapped me. “What? I’m not—”

“No, go ahead.” Julia waves a hand at the empty chapel. “Make your sermon, Riley. Tell us what you learned this week. Was it all at my expense?”

She starts pacing again, and it occurs to me that even though I’ve seen Julia angry before, she’s never really been angry with me. It makes me feel wrong, off-balance, like the entire chapel is slowly listing to the side.

“It’s not like that,” I say. “I just want to show people he’s wrong. He’s ruined so many lives, and we don’t have to listen to him if we don’t want to. He doesn’t have to be in charge. That’s it.”

“That’s it?” Julia whirls to face me. “So it’s not at my expense, you’re just trying to ruin my family? That’s your defense?”

“You just said you don’t agree with him! You can’t even kiss someone without thinking about what he’d do. Wouldn’t it be easier for everyone if he wasn’t here?”

Julia’s jaw tenses. “Show me.”

I blink. “What?”

“Show me,” she repeats. “All the proof you’ve been gathering this week. I want to see it.”

I open my mouth, then close it. There are a lot of things scrawled in the pages of my prayer book that I don’t want her to read. “I can’t. Ben took my bag back to the cabin.”

Julia turns without looking at me and marches across the chapel. “Then, let’s go get it.”

“Wait, I don’t—”

But she’s already gone, pushing through the doors and onto the path. I bite back a curse and scramble to follow. Sure, I can understand how it looks from the outside, but this is Julia. She knows me, and I can’t, for the life of me, figure out why she’s this mad.

The others are already back from lunch by the time we reach the cabin. They look up when the screen door flies open, eyes widening as it smacks the opposite wall with a sharp bang.

“Show me,” Julia says before anyone else can speak. “I want to see it.”

Vaguely, I’m aware of Delaney rising to her feet, but the others seem rooted in place. I swallow over my rapidly closing throat. “Can we just—?”

“Show me,” she repeats. “It’s the only reason you’re here, right? Let me see what you wrote.”

I shoot a glance toward my bunk. My bag sits on the floor next to my suitcase, both workbooks still tucked inside. Slowly, like I’m caught in a dream, I reach down and tug the prayer book free. Julia snatches it from my grip and flips it open, eyes skimming from page to page.

“?‘Sloth was easier than I thought,’?” she reads aloud. “?‘I told Delaney and Greer to sit under the table this morning instead of building Gabe’s stupid shelter, and it worked. Maybe this won’t be as hard as I thought. Maybe everyone else will be just as easy to trick.’?”

I wince. Hearing it out loud makes it sound ten times worse. Julia flips a page and continues.

“?‘I don’t understand how people are happy here. It’s like they’re all lying to me, pretending to believe in this thing that doesn’t even make sense. I knew I was right to leave, but I didn’t think I’d be the only one smart enough to see through all this.’?”