Shutout (Rules of the Game, #2)(52)
She spears a piece of pineapple and points at me with her fork. “How do I not? I have no idea what I want to do.”
“Lots of people don’t. Your perspective is probably skewed because you grew up around a bunch of hockey lifers. On average, people change jobs something like seven times in their lifetime. It’s okay not to know and even once you pick something, it’s okay to change your mind about that too.”
“I guess,” she says quietly. “I just feel lost sometimes,”
“So do I.” It’s the first time I’ve ever admitted this out loud.
“What do you mean? You’ve already been drafted.” Seraphina sets down her fork, tilting her head.
The muscles in my jaw tighten. “New York is looking at picking up another goalie prospect.”
“Oh… I’m sorry, Ty.” She frowns, and this time she’s the one who covers my hand.
“Could end up being nothing. Or it could end up derailing the way I thought my whole career would play out. Either way, I know where I want to go, but it feels like it’s completely out of my hands sometimes.” Words I’ve held inside for the better part of my college career start to pour out, and once they do, I can’t seem to rein them in. “Sometimes instead of motivating me, all the outside pressure kills my love for the sport, and I’m left wondering why I’m doing it. There are days when I stand in front of the net going through the motions because I’m somewhere else mentally. I want to want to play hockey, not be forced into it because I have to. Does that make sense?”
Seraphina must have one hell of an effect on me, because I’m admitting things out loud that I haven’t even admitted to myself, let alone anyone else. Things I’ve been in deep, deep denial about for almost as long as I can remember.
“Yeah,” she says softly. “It does.”
Her response is more comforting than I expected. I rarely talk about my feelings, which means I never get much validation, either. I didn’t realize how much I needed it.
“Would you ever want to do something else instead?”
“That’s the worst part. It feels like a catch-22. Even though it makes me miserable sometimes, I can’t picture my life without hockey. I just need to find a way to enjoy it again.”
My focus falls to her mouth as she bites her lip thoughtfully, and I swallow an agonized sound rising in my throat. It’s impossible to keep my mind on task when she does things like that.
“I think you can,” she says. “It’s not like you’re trying to be somebody else. You’re simply trying to reconnect with a piece of yourself that you’ve lost touch with. It’s still in there, it’s just gotten buried under some other junk.”
“Then it’s buried pretty fucking deep.”
“I know the outside pressure is real, but have you considered that some of it might be the pressure you’re putting on yourself?” Her mouth tugs into a patient smile. “I’m not sure whether you’ve noticed, but you’re a little intense when it comes to hockey.”
What she’s saying makes sense, objectively, but I didn’t get to where I am by coasting.
“Let’s circle back to you for a sec. You’re smart and funny and feisty as hell, Tink. I know you’ll kick ass at whatever you end up doing someday, whether that means one career or seven. It’s okay if you don’t have it all figured out yet.”
This advice probably applies to me, too. Maybe if I take it one day at a time, I’ll learn to chill the fuck out. Somehow.
Seraphina sidles closer in her chair and angles her body towards me, looping her arms around my waist for a hug. Warmth floods my body, and I slide my hands to her back. She lets out a contented sigh as she squeezes me, burying her face in my chest.
Seconds pass, but neither of us moves. It’s a little risky with Chase home, but I can’t bring myself to care. I’m a newly converted hugger, and I never want this moment to end. Besides, if hugging is the worst thing he catches us doing, I’ll call it a win.
“Thanks, Hades,” she says, the words half-muffled by the fabric of my shirt.
“Any time, Tinker Bell.”
CHAPTER 19
MULTIPLE CHOICE
TYLER
You’d think having sex would reduce my horniness level, not increase it. That has not been the case. I feel like a goddamn teenager all over again.
As I tug off my shirt in the locker room for our afternoon skate, my phone lights up from the shelf in my stall. A rush runs through my body, and I immediately grab it.
Tinker Bell: Question 29: How should I get myself off later? Fingers or toy?
Holy shit. I stand frozen to the spot, blinking at the screen for a good couple of seconds while I process her text. I can think of a couple other suggestions, starting with my mouth. Or my cock. Fuck, let’s go with both—in that order. For now, I’ll answer her question.
Hades: Fingers, then toy. And let me watch.
Tinker Bell: Can’t. sad emoji Everyone will be home tonight.
Damnit, she’s right. Dallas said he has some test to study for and Chase is finishing a paper. Why can’t they go do their work at the library like everyone else? Maybe I can convince them it’s a good idea; plant the seed somehow. Wishful thinking, I’m sure.