Spiral (Off the Ice, #2) (60)
“Is that why you don’t drink now?”
I nod.
“And it’s why you haven’t ... ?” Sage trails off, but I know what she’s thinking.
“I haven’t been with anyone since,” I confirm. “I don’t know if it’s because I’m paranoid or because I can’t get the memory of my parents’ disappointment out of my head, but it’s easier this way.”
Sage nods quietly, staring at me in a way that feels like she’s holding my heart in her palms. “And your father? Why isn’t he in jail?”
“We settled. If the whole thing went to court, the media would have followed it and he’d get what he wanted. My parents believed that he would be out of our lives after they paid him.”
“But you’re still paying him?”
“He threatened me after the fact, and I never wanted my parents to regret letting me into their life. So, I never told them, and I’ve been paying him for years.”
Sage’s lips part in shock. “But he tried to extort you, to ruin your career and blackmail you. How could you give someone like that a dime?”
I understand where her outrage is coming from. I feel it myself, but I’ve lived with it for so long, it doesn’t matter to me anymore. “I needed him gone. The disappointment on my parents’ faces that day was enough to solidify that decision.”
“And your parents still don’t know?”
I shake my head.
She gives me a sympathetic look. “Are you ever going to stop?”
“One time the money transfer was delayed, and the second he didn’t see the money, he asked how much I really cared about my new NHL career.”
“That’s blackmail. It’s—”
I shake my head. “It’s not. The arrangement was my idea, and it’s working for me. Nothing will change that.”
Sage sits up straighter to level our gazes.
“But it’s not working for you. You can barely let yourself relax around people. What that girl did to you because of him ... you won’t let anyone in, Elias. Not even me.” Her voice cracks.
I pull her onto my lap, holding her face in my hands as ragged breaths puff past her lips.
“I feel more myself around you than anyone else. You make me feel like I don’t need to hold back, and—fuck, Sage, you have no idea how much I want to let go when I’m with you.”
“Then why don’t you?” Her hands move to my shoulders. “You carry so much weight on your shoulders, Elias.” Her gaze settles on mine with a sort of heavy determination. “I want you to give some of it to me.”
Her words do the opposite of what she intends, and I feel gutted. This girl who carries everyone’s pain and problems is earnestly asking me to give her more. To give her my problems because she would rather carry them than see me crumple under the weight. Sage is beautiful and strong, a ray of light in a field of darkness.
“I don’t want to know you like everyone else. I want the real you,” she says.
I glide my thumb along her smooth cheek. “Then that’s what I’ll give you, but be patient with me, yeah?”
Sage brings up my hand and kisses the inside of my wrist. The warmth of her lips singes my skin. “Always.”
TWENTY-SIX
ELIAS
WE’RE ONE GAME away from the playoffs, which means I’m one bad game away from being traded. The constant reminder at practice has been causing the kind of stress that leads to my recurring nightmares. Each time I’ve jolted awake, Sage has been there, holding my hand and reminding me it’s just a dream. She eases the constant feeling that if I go to sleep, I’ll wake to someone’s disappointment.
Since I told her about my biological dad, I feel lighter. There’s something new in our interactions, like we both feel more at ease. The line between us should be cemented, but the moments we share in the darkness of my room only make me want to step over it. We don’t talk about the nights, but the memory is alive in the way my gaze latches on to her when she’s near.
I’ve never been more tempted to break this vow. But despite wanting to touch Sage the way I’ve dreamed of, I know it’ll just complicate our relationship. The only thing helping me separate my feelings from our fake relationship is my celibacy. It’s been difficult for me to trust anyone since what my biological dad did, and trusting Sage enough to break my celibacy only for her to leave would make it harder for both of us. The last thing I want for Sage is to throw my feelings at her when she hasn’t even gotten a chance to live out her dream. I would never hold her back. I can’t.
For our pregame warm-up, Coach went easy on us and set us up in the weight room for calisthenics. I’d much rather have been on the ice, practicing before the game to ensure I can rid myself of this goalless curse. Some days, I think it’ll never end, but then I provide an assist, and it feels a step closer to the real thing. Now, back in the locker room, I feel myself crawling back into those negative thoughts.
“It’s called choking.”
I pause taping my hockey stick to find Socket standing in front of me. “What?”
“The thing that happens to you at the goal line. I see it in rookies all the time. They come right up to my face, so determined, ready to bag a goal, and then they freeze. I can see the doubt creeping in. And poof, the opportunity slips from right under their nose.”