Sublimation(109)

SOYOUNG-ROSE


Soyoung sees Yujin step into the radius of the Mitosis gate and collapse.

Later, she’s going to think about how she should have turned off the gate, she should have let whatever was going to happen to Yujin happen, she should have bluffed with a smaller radius. But in the moment, before she can think, he’s falling, and his form is going strange and fluid, like taffy being pulled, amorphous untangling, and she’s terrified for him and she’s running forward to catch him, action before conscious thought, and then she’s in the radius, and—





SOYOUNGROSEYJYUJIN


I am seven years old and I am standing on the bank of a stream. Sunlight glints off the water. There’s a sudden sharp push at my back and then I’m falling forward and I’m yelping and—

I am seven years old and I am standing on the bank of a shallow stream. In front of me, my friend is leaning over the water. I want to put my hand on her back. I want to scare her a little and hear her laugh. I want her to look at—



I am thirteen years old and I am SOMETHING IS WRONG eating dinner with my family. It’s not that exciting. It’s just soup and rice and some banchan. I want to be eating—

I am thirteen years old and I am excited about graduating middle school. I think SOMETHING IS WRONG I can be someone new in high school, who isn’t tied to my previous self. Who isn’t the new kid from Ko—



I am seventeen years old and I am standing in SOMETHING IS WRONG the middle of a quiet side street in the middle of Seoul and my friends are walking ahead and Yujin is talking to me and I am being SOMETHING IS WRONG given something I don’t want and I don’t know what to do but—

I am seventeen years old and I feel like my heart has been ripped out. This is the first time I’ve felt like SOMETHING IS WRONG this. I will never feel like this again, every future heartbreak will be a lesser echo of this SOMETHING IS WRONG moment. The worst thing is how Soyoung is laughing, but—



I am twenty-four years old and I am falling in love with Petra. I am sitting on the couch next to her and we are SOMETHING IS WRONG watching a movie. It’s a romcom. I don’t really like romcoms, SOMETHING IS WRONG and I don’t think that she does either, but she had promised her SOMETHING IS WRONG friend that she would watch, and I’ve been roped into it. I don’t mind. I guess I like doing things with Petra even SOMETHING IS WRONG if they’re boring, or hard. I would rather be sitting here than anywhere else. On the screen someone tells a joke. She laughs. I look at her. This is when I realize I’m in love. I could not mistake this feeling for anything—

I am twenty-four years old and I am watching English language SOMETHING IS WRONG programming on the foreign language channel. SOMETHING IS WRONG I think it’s a television show, but I’m not sure. I’m eating breakfast while I watch. My parents aren’t awake yet. Sometimes SOMETHING IS WRONG I think about moving out of my parents’ place, but I haven’t pulled the trigger yet. My mother always makes a face when I start talking about it. SOMETHING IS WRONG She tells me that one of me is in America, she wants to keep the other. SOMETHING IS WRONG I know that she doesn’t mean it in a bad way, but it leaves a bad feeling in my—



I am twenty-eight years SOMETHING IS WRONG old and I am staring at my other self. SOMETHING IS WRONG She’s saying SOMETHING IS WRONG something, and I understand the words she is saying but I SOMETHING IS WRONG don’t understand the intent behind it. Regret isn’t so bad. Regret SOMETHING IS WRONG is nothing compared to desire. You have to move SOMETHING IS WRONG forward. SOMETHING IS WRONG You have to know how it feels. You have to burn your hand SOMETHING IS WRONG on the SOMETHING IS WRONG stove SOMETHING IS WRONG and—

I am twenty-eight SOMETHING IS WRONG years old and I am staring at my other self. I’m done saying SOMETHING IS WRONG everything SOMETHING IS WRONG I need to say. I feel satisfied. I feel like she understands—she must, right? I SOMETHING IS WRONG have explained SOMETHING IS WRONG myself. She is SOMETHING IS WRONG enough SOMETHING IS WRONG me that I can speak freely and be understood SOMETHING IS WRONG. This SOMETHING IS WRONG must be SOMETHING IS WRONG r—



SOMETHING IS WRONG SOMETHING IS WRONG SOMETHING IS WRONG SOMETHING IS WRONG SOMETHING IS WRONG SOMETHING IS WRONG SOMETHING IS WRONG SOMETHING IS WRONG SOMETHING IS WRONG SOMETHING IS WRONG SOMETHING IS WRONG SOMETHING IS WRONG SOMETHING IS WRONG SOMETHING IS WRONG SOMETHING IS WRO—

SOMETHING IS WRONG SOMETHING IS WRONG SOMETHING IS WRONG SOMETHING IS WRONG SOMETHING IS WRONG SOMETHING IS WRONG SOMETHING IS WRONG SOMETHING IS WRONG SOMETHING IS WRONG SOMETHING IS WRONG SOMETHING IS WRONG SOMETHING IS WRONG SOMETHING IS WRONG SOMETHING IS WRONG SOMETHING IS WRONG SOMETHING IS WRONG SOMETHING IS WRONG SOMETHING IS WRO—





SOYOUNG


In the memory, you’re standing in your grandfather’s house. This isn’t real. The world around you has the soft filmic quality that dreams have, the clear and soundless clarity that can only exist in the mind. It feels like the interior of the memories, when the Mitosis machine would rip you apart and stick you back together. The moment before you’re spit out. You would be more worried, but none of this is real and you don’t have the capacity to be worried.

You’re standing in your grandfather’s living room. There are pictures of your cousins and you on the walls. There is a jug of barley tea on the table in front of you. This is how it looked when you were a child. In reality, you and Minsoo stripped your grandfather’s house bare months ago.