The Book Club Hotel(104)

“Slow down!” But Erica was smiling. “You need to breathe.”

“I suppose what I’m saying is in a way he did me a favor. If he hadn’t made the move, would I ever have done it? I’d like to think I would, but if I’m honest I think I’m too much of a coward to make those big changes myself,” Claudia admitted. “I’m not the sort who walks out of a job when it isn’t working. I stick with things. I needed change to be forced on me. And now here I am.”

“Did John really expect you to welcome him back?” Erica shook her head. “Unbelievable.”

“I know. He actually sounded broken up when we finished the call. And I’m obviously a horrible person because I was a tiny bit pleased about that. Not that I wanted him to meet a sticky end.” Claudia gestured to Catherine Swift’s book. “He wasn’t that bad.”

Anna’s head was throbbing. “He hurt you.”

“And also cost you a lot of money.” Erica was ever practical. “He left you with an apartment that was too expensive for one person.”

Anna frowned. “Is he going to move back there permanently?”

“I don’t know and I don’t care. That’s for him to sort out. My new home is the converted Sugar Shack in Hattie’s backyard. And the new love of my life is this place.” She gestured to the bookshelves and the flickering fire. “Hattie and I are going to have fun.”

Erica sat up straighter. “We should celebrate your new job properly. Congratulations.” She reached for her glass and Anna did the same.

“Congratulations.” She didn’t want to be a killjoy and admit she had a headache, so she took a tiny sip. “So no more relationships?”

Claudia shrugged. “I’m not saying never, but if it happens then I’ll be more discerning. I suppose I aspire to have what you and Pete have. Sure, you’ve been together a long time but there’s still a spark. You make each other laugh. You tease each other. You’re pleased to see each other. You always treat each other with respect and do thoughtful things. Pete even cooks for you sometimes. Do you know John never cooked a meal for me in all the time we were together? You’re the perfect couple.” She spread her hands. “Even saying all this aloud is making me envious.”

The perfect couple?

Anna felt emotion rise up so quickly she couldn’t contain it. It overwhelmed her, pushing past her defenses.

“Anna?” Claudia sat up and swung her legs off the sofa, horrified. “What’s wrong? What did I say?”

“We’re not the perfect couple. I’ve hurt him.” Anna covered her mouth with her hand, giving up all pretense that she was fine.

“Who have you hurt?”

“Pete. He thinks about me constantly and I’ve been thoughtless, and careless of his feelings. I’ve done that terrible thing—I’ve taken him for granted.” She felt regret and something close to panic.

“How? Anna, you adore Pete.” Claudia’s tone was calming. “We all know that. Pete knows that.”

Did he? She frequently told him that she loved him, but what mattered more was showing it. Making him feel how much she loved him. And it seemed she hadn’t done that.

She felt the sofa dip as Erica shifted closer and put her arm around her.

“Do you want to tell us what happened?”

“It’s my fault. You know how much I’m dreading the kids leaving.” She reached forward and grabbed the only tissue that hadn’t been used to mop up wine. “And I’ve talked to Pete about it because we always talk about everything.” She blew her nose. “And he listened, as he always does, but lately something felt off in our conversations.”

“Off?”

“Little things. I didn’t feel as if we were connecting in the way we usually do. And after our toy shop visit I was feeling a bit down so I called him and—” she could hardly bear to talk about it “—he basically said I was making him feel irrelevant.”

“Irrelevant?”

“As if he doesn’t matter. When I told him how much I was dreading them leaving, he took it personally. As if I was saying there was nothing left in my life. As if, once the kids have gone, that’s it. He’d obviously been feeling it for a while and hadn’t said anything. And I do focus on the kids a lot. I know I do. Probably too much. He’s not wrong.”

“The kids are a huge part of your life.”

“I know.” She paused. “It was so important to me to be a good mother.”

“And you are. You have a great relationship with your kids.”

“But at what cost? Pete and I used to be disciplined about date nights and spending time together but lately, whenever Pete suggested a weekend away, I almost always found a reason not to go. I think, subconsciously, I wanted to make the most of this time with the kids. Why do something just the two of us, when we could do it as the four of us? And I didn’t even think about it. Everyone talks about work-life balance. Getting it right. But I didn’t balance things in my family. And I can see that now, but I can’t undo it.”

“You’re shaking.” Erica put her hand over hers and squeezed. “So you had this conversation after we went to the bookstore. How has it been since then?”