The Book Club Hotel(114)

“I’m eating. I’m sleeping. I’m good, really. How are you and Dad?”

“We miss you, obviously. Come home, Lily. We can cook for you, and spoil you and look after you.”

She knew what going home would mean. She loved her parents, but they’d hover over her with frowning concerned faces until she ended up worrying more about them than herself. The pressure of pretending to be okay had been exhausting.

“I’m happy, Mom. I just need some space. It’s beautiful here. You know I always loved the ocean.”

“I know. I remember when you were six years old and we couldn’t drag you away from the sand castle you’d built.” There was a pause. “Honey, Dad made some calls. He thinks it’s not too late for you to go back to medical school if you want to.”

Interference, even well-meaning interference, should be designated a crime.

“I don’t want to. I know you and Dad are disappointed—”

“It’s not about us, it’s about you. We tried so hard to give you all the opportunities we didn’t have. We never wanted you to struggle the way we did.”

Lily stared at the ocean and tried to find her inner calm, but it had fled the moment the phone had rung.

They’d made huge sacrifices for her, and she’d thrown it in their faces. She wasn’t just a bad daughter, she was a horrible person.

“This is difficult for me too, Mom.” The lump in her throat made it difficult to speak. “I know I’m hurting you and I hate it, but this is where I want to be. And this is what I want to do. I want to be an artist.”

“But, Lily, you’re cleaning houses.”

“To earn money while I pursue my passion.” While she tried to loosen the knots of stress in her body and untangle the mess in her head. “There’s nothing wrong with cleaning houses. It’s a respectable way to make a living. You did it.”

“If I could have been a doctor, I would have been one.”

Guilt, guilt, guilt.

Her mother sighed. “Do you need money? We still have some savings.”

And she knew just how hard it would have been for her parents to pull that together after everything they’d already spent on her. She’d vowed never to take another cent from them.

“I don’t need money, but thank you.” She tried not to think about the dire state of her bank account. She was one punctured tire away from financial disaster but there was no way she could admit that or ask for help. She’d already wasted enough of their money. She was determined to manage on her own now.

“Lily—” her mother’s voice was gentle “—your father would kill me for asking because I know I’m not supposed to ask, but did something happen, honey? Was it the work? Was it too much? Or was it something else? Did someone hurt you? Your dad and I always thought you’d make a wonderful doctor. You’re such a kind, caring person.”

“Nothing like that. I just wasn’t cut out to be a doctor.” Lily’s throat burned. She badly wanted this conversation to end. “Could we talk about something else?”

“Of course we can. Let me think...not much has happened here. Your father has been busy in the garden, of course.” Her mother spoke in a cheery I’m changing the subject to a safe topic voice. “The hydrangeas are beginning to bloom—they’re going to be stunning. I made the most delicious orange cake last week. No wheat. You know your father. Ground almonds instead of flour.”

“Sounds yummy.” She felt a pang imagining them at home together. She missed them. Part of her just wanted to run home and be looked after but she knew she couldn’t do that.

“I’m sure there was something I wanted to tell you.” Her mother paused. “What was it? Oh, I remember—I bumped into Kristen Buckingham last week. She’s always so charming and friendly. So normal.”

The last person Lily wanted to think about now was anyone with the name Buckingham.

“Why wouldn’t she be friendly and normal, Mom?” Lily knew how self-conscious her mother was around her friends and she hated it. It reminded her of being back at school and feeling like second best.

Her parents had scrimped and saved and worked multiple jobs in order to send her to the best school. They’d believed she’d have a great education and make influential friends. She would absorb their greater advantages by osmosis. It would be her ticket to a better life. They imagined her living her life in a bubble of success, mixing with people whose parents owned mansions and yachts and jets. People whose fridges were loaded with food and never had to worry about making it stretch to the end of the week. People who had drivers, and housekeepers, and staff who cleared the snow from their yard.

And she had met people like that, but most of the time Lily had felt like a stray dog that had somehow wriggled its way into a litter of pedigrees. She’d been badly bullied. She’d also felt crushed by the pressure of work and parental expectation. Panic had hovered close to the surface, threatening to suffocate her. The only thing that had got her out of bed in the morning was the knowledge of her parents’ sacrifice and their pride in her. She hadn’t felt able to tell them how unhappy she was, or that locking herself in a cubicle while having a panic attack didn’t feel like success to her.

She’d been thoroughly miserable, and then Hannah Buckingham had rescued her from a bully who was trying to remove her ponytail with a pair of scissors and everything had changed.