The Book Club Hotel(38)

Claudia shifted to try to get comfortable, but it was impossible. It felt as if they were back in college. The only difference was that they were in Erica’s sleek sports car and not Anna’s ancient Ford Mustang, donated by her parents and maintained by Pete.

Still, Claudia was crammed in the back as always with her legs pushed up to her chin, or so it felt.

Next to her was the luggage that hadn’t fit into the trunk, and a stack of gifts. Anna’s were hand wrapped, neatly tied with string and decorated with greenery from her garden. Erica’s were store wrapped in shiny expensive paper folded with geometric perfection and secured with elaborate bows. Looking at the expensive wrapping on Erica’s gifts, Claudia worried that she hadn’t spent enough. She dismissed the thought. Their friendship had never been about money, and it never would be. She’d made her gifts and that, she told herself, made them priceless.

She restacked the gifts to give herself more room. “I have a question. Given that you’re not financially challenged, Erica, why didn’t you buy a bigger car?”

“I don’t need a bigger car.”

Claudia tried to find a position that wasn’t going to cut off the blood supply to her lower limbs. “Trust me. From where I’m sitting, you need a bigger car.”

“Why? Usually it’s just me, and occasionally one other.” Erica flashed a wicked smile at the mirror and Claudia laughed.

It was good to be back with her friends. Just being with them made her feel better. They made her feel more confident. Happier. Lighter.

But it was also true that she felt a little envious of them. How could she not? There was Erica in her beautiful clothes, so confident and sure of herself and so obviously happy with her life. She was financially secure and was doing what she loved.

And then there was Anna. Anna, with her shiny dark hair and her kindness. She wore her life like a favorite dress that fit perfectly and made her feel good. And why wouldn’t she? She had everything she’d always wanted. Pete, the twins and a beautiful home. Anna’s home was like another member of their family, sheltering them and holding all their memories. It represented security, both literally and figuratively. A place where they could all gather.

Claudia was genuinely happy for her friends, but that didn’t stop her from wishing she was as settled in her life as they were. A year ago she’d been settled. She’d had no inkling that everything she’d built was going to fall apart.

She’d been with John for ten years, and yet when he’d walked out and moved in with someone else, she hadn’t seen it coming. How was it possible to be with a person that long and not see that coming? What was wrong with her? It was something she thought about constantly. It nagged at her in the middle of the night when she should have been sleeping.

She’d lost everything and was basically starting again at the age of forty.

Her friends were exchanging banter in the front of the car and Claudia listened, soothed by the familiar teasing.

Not everything had changed. Whatever she might have lost, she still had her friends. They were the glue that held her life together. The cushion that softened the blows.

She gazed out the window, pondering her options. “If you’ve spent your whole adult life training to be something, is it a waste to throw that away?”

Erica glanced in the mirror. “I assume we’re talking specifically about you, not generally?”

“Yes. I spent so many years training to be a chef. It feels wrong to walk away from that.”

Erica shrugged. “It depends why you’re walking away. If you’re doing it because you’re upset that you were laid off then yes, it’s a waste. You’d be punishing yourself for no reason. But if this really is about cooking and not about your last job, of course you should walk away. Life is too short to slog at something you’re not enjoying.”

“Even if I’ve done it for most of my life?”

“Of course. You don’t keep doing something if you’re hating it. And whoever said you have to do the same thing forever? People retrain all the time.”

She made it sound so simple, but Claudia knew it wasn’t simple.

“Do you ever wonder if you made all the wrong choices? I’ve been wondering that a lot lately.”

Anna was silent.

It was Erica who answered. “Never,” she said. “And we are not doing this. We are not spending the four-hour drive looking back on our lives and deciding we made all the wrong decisions. What is the point? This is a vacation. The whole point of a vacation is to leave your troubles behind.”

Maybe that depended on the size of your troubles, Claudia thought. It was hard to leave hers behind because she needed to make some decisions, and she needed to make them quickly. If she was going to give up being a chef, then she needed to find something else to do.

Anna turned to look at Erica. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m totally fine.”

Anna studied her. “And there really is nothing you’d change if you could have your time again?”

“Apart from maybe persuading you both to hold our book club in the Caribbean? No. Nothing.” Erica gripped the wheel. “If we must have this conversation about regrets, then let’s postpone it until we’re ninety. Right now we have everything to play for. If there is something you want, then go for it.”