The Book Club Hotel(89)
Claudia took an apple from the bowl. “Like what?”
Hattie thought back to all the times Brent had made her step out of her comfort zone. “Without Brent, I wouldn’t have the inn. I wouldn’t have Rufus. I might not even have Delphi. I was determined to wait until exactly the right moment to have a child because I wanted to do it right.” That decision had been particularly hard to make, probably because of her father’s influence. “It was Brent who made me see there was never really a right moment. His mantra was always go for it and we’ll figure it out as we go along. Being with him made me braver.”
Erica put her plate down on the table. “That’s a nice thing to say about someone.”
“Yes. And when he died, I forgot how to be brave. For the last couple of years I’ve been playing it safe because I didn’t have the belief in myself that he had. I relied on him to tell me everything was going to work out. I suppose I’d let myself believe that he was the one who was going to make it work out. Instead of building up my own confidence, I leaned on his. And after he died I told myself that I was keeping things the way he’d wanted them because it was a way of keeping him close.” She paused, suddenly seeing things more clearly. “The truth is I kept things the way he’d wanted them because I was afraid. I was afraid to do things the way I wanted to do them, in case I messed it up. There would only be myself to blame.”
Anna stirred. “And now?”
“I’m not proud of the fact that it took Chef Tucker walking out and Stephanie being her usual inflexible self to make some changes, but at least I did it.” She sat up straighter. She shouldn’t need Brent in order to be brave. She should be able to do that for herself. “I feel better for it. More in control. Ready to make decisions and take responsibility instead of needing someone else to tell me what to do. I’m grateful that the three of you were here.” She was sure she wouldn’t have done it if they hadn’t been there. “I don’t think I’m good with change. You cling desperately to the familiar, to what you know, because even if it’s not great it seems more appealing than the unknown. I’ve always taken what I believed to be the safe option, but I was deluding myself. There is no safe, because life continually throws in the unexpected. Does any of this make sense?”
“Yes.” Erica spoke quietly. “It does.”
It felt good to talk about it. “Being a mother increases the pressure. If I get it wrong, it affects Delphi, too. I’m not just responsible for the inn, and for myself, I’m responsible for a child. And sometimes that feels huge.”
Anna’s smile was wistful. “It certainly does.”
“It isn’t only the practical stuff, like worrying if I’ll make such bad decisions I go out of business. It’s the emotional side of things. The way I handle myself. Children see everything. And they copy. They see the way you react to things. They learn from it.” She thought how much she’d learned from her father. “It’s important to me that Delphi sees me being resilient, but also I need her to see me handling change even when it feels scary and hard. And change often is scary and hard, isn’t it?”
The three women were silent and she had a feeling she’d struck a chord.
“Yes.” Anna’s voice was thickened. “Change can be very hard, particularly when it’s something you haven’t chosen. You want to freeze time.”
Hattie saw Erica glance at Anna and had a feeling there was more to the comment than simply an astute observation on human behavior. Either way, Anna was right about sometimes wanting to freeze time. That was essentially what she’d done since Brent had died.
And she realized that everything she’d been applying to the inn applied to the rest of her life, too. She’d been standing still, as if by not moving on she could somehow keep Brent with her.
“Obviously, I didn’t know Brent,” Erica said, “but I’m sure the man you describe wouldn’t have wanted you to be feeling this way. He sounds as if he was the bold, adventurous type. He’d want you to get out there and live life to the full.”
“Yes, he would.” And it was what she would have wanted for him, too, had their situations been reversed. She wouldn’t have wanted him to pause his life. She would have wanted him to make the most of the life he’d been given.
And finally, she saw it clearly. It wasn’t a betrayal to him to make small steps forward, to move on. It would have been a betrayal not to. She owed it to him to live a full life and not let her decisions be driven by guilt or fear.
She felt lighter inside. “It’s good to talk to you. Thank you.”
“Good to talk to you, too. We, the Hotel Book Club, are always available for advice and bonding sessions. So this date with Noah—” Claudia cleared her throat. “Sorry, I mean this not-a-date with Noah, where are you going?”
“I don’t know. He said he’d book somewhere.”
“That’s romantic.”
Hattie laughed. Noah was more down-to-earth and practical than romantic. “He probably just didn’t know at the time. Which brings us back to this dress.” But she no longer had doubts about the dress. She didn’t want to melt into the background. She didn’t want to play it safe. She wanted to wear a dress that made her feel happy, and this dress most definitely did that.