The Break-Up Retreat(52)
I reach in under the bed for the recorder, but my attention is caught by the paper bag.
It looks innocent, crumpled up on the floor. But when I pick it up and open it again, the pill seems to be staring at me.
Zolpidem.
It’s like Ambien.
I’m no expert, but I know enough—you definitely need a prescription for Ambien. In a flash, I see Pernilla’s slow, sluggish movement yesterday, Leyla’s empty, drowsy face after the break.
And I think of all those endless cups of tea, strewn all over the clinic. We’re offered tea with breakfast, during therapy, after lunch; always herbal mixtures, always with a slightly strange flavor and a chalky residue left in the bottom of the cup.
I think about my own strange feelings during therapy. The way I’ve felt dizzy, and powerless, and suggestible.
Maybe Martina decided that the force of her sheer personality wasn’t enough.
Maybe, at some point, she decided to give us all a little chemical help on our way toward our “better selves.”
r/ActuallyLesbian
How to know if you are in an abusive relationship?
posted by: u/throwawayduckling123
22:16 07/02/2023
I’m 29F, in a relationship with 28F since a few months back.
I thought we were really happy. We had what I guess they call a “whirlwind romance.” I’ve never really been in a relationship before, and it just felt intoxicating to be with someone who seemed to like me so much.
I’ve felt really lonely since my mom died. I don’t know if that’s relevant or not. I don’t have a lot of friends, or any, really, and no family. I guess I always felt kind of . . . broken. And when I met my girlfriend, it made me feel less broken.
But in the last few months, it feels like everything has been going wrong. She keeps getting really upset with everything I do and saying that I’m doing it on purpose to hurt her. I’m not very smart, and I know I’m bad with people, so I’ve been trying to be better, but nothing I do seems to work.
I posted in another subreddit a couple of months ago, trying to get advice on how to get better and be a better partner, and there they told me I was being abused. I didn’t see it at all, and I thought it was just that they couldn’t see the whole picture, and couldn’t see how hard I am to live with.
But then yesterday, we had a fight, and my girlfriend grabbed me really hard. I got scared. It was only for a second, and then she let go.
She left bruises. I saw them this morning.
My mom always told me to never stay with a man who hit me. That I should always leave the first time it happened, no matter what. But I don’t know if that applies here. If I was with a man, he could really hurt me, because he would be stronger than me. I feel like it’s different with a woman. I said maybe we should take some time apart, but she said she wouldn’t be able to live without me, and I got scared. I don’t want her to get hurt, or to hurt herself.
I don’t know if I’m just overreacting. I know I do that a lot.
She has good qualities, too. So many. And I think she’s genuinely trying to help me, and trying to make this work. She’s really into psychology. She even suggested we go to this therapy clinic together. Maybe I should just go? Maybe if we went together, the psychologist could help us work it out? It’s out in the woods. If I could get some time off work, maybe it would help. Maybe it could be just what we need.
I don’t know. I’m just so confused. I feel bad even writing this, like I’m telling on her. If she could read this, there are so many things she could tell you that I’ve done. She thinks I might be a narcissist. Maybe she’s right.
7 upvotes
4 comments
u/SapphosRoommate—23:11 07/02/2023
First of all, abuse can absolutely happen in relationships of any gender. It doesn’t matter whether she’s physically stronger than you—women can abuse men, too. It’s about power, and it does sound like you are being abused. I am so sorry.
Second of all, absolutely do not go to therapy with your girlfriend. Abusers can manipulate psychologists to their advantage.
Thirdly, she threatened suicide when you implied you wanted to leave. A threat of violence against herself is still a threat of violence. I don’t think you are safe with this person.
Sadly, the best thing you can do for yourself is to leave.
u/PapadomBaby—23:31 07/02/2023
seconding what Sappho said above (love your username btw). i was in an abusive relationship in college, huge age difference and power differential, and when i waned to break up she insisted we see a counselor together. it was horrible. it just gave her all these new tools to punish me. whenever i tried to stand up for myself, she would call me toxic, or say that i was retraumatizing her, and i would end up staying and comforting her. look up darvo.
u/SapphosRoommate—23:47 07/02/2023
I’m so sorry that happened to you. And yes, OP, please look up “DARVO.” It stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim & Offender. See if it sounds familiar. Based on what you wrote about your girlfriend calling you a narcissist, it sounds like she might be doing exactly that.
u/MedusaInChains—23:21 07/02/2023
Is no one else worried about this retreat??? Do not go anywhere with her. It could be ANYTHING. Who knows if you’d even come back?? It’s literally in the woods. What kind of therapy happens in the woods? This sounds like a horror movie.