The Centre(46)
I can’t remember whether I’d said this to be sarcastic or to cover up my hostility by appearing excessively supportive. Either way, I wasn’t expecting her response.
“As a matter of fact—”
“Shut up.”
“We’re only talking about it.”
“About marriage?”
“Only talking.”
“Naima, please. You’ve only been together a couple of months.”
“I know, but when you know, you know, you know?”
She offered me a biscuit, which I ignored.
“This is what you want? Are you sure?”
“You can never be sure, can you? Sometimes you just have to do things and see what happens. You can’t live forever with an armor around you, right?”
I felt that Naima was making a jibe at my own life there, and it was unfair. Naima often made decisions this way, diving in headfirst, but she wasn’t recognizing that her impulsiveness was a privilege. She was only able to live like this because she’d always had someone to catch her on the other side. She’d grown up with a loving mother and a doting older sister and, let’s be frank, had been the honorary son of her family. Her family was always available and they thought she was the shit. It was this security that allowed her to do what she liked, but nonetheless, she assumed that more cautious people lacked some kind of innate courage.
“Some of us live with an armor around us for a reason, Naima.”
“What do you mean?”
“Just give it some time. Like, another year.”
“Why though? We’re ready. We feel ready.”
“Are you scared of giving it more time because you think it’ll fall apart if you wait?”
I saw a wave of irritation flash over her face.
“No, but Anisa, there is something about that kind of commitment that makes things stronger,” she spoke slowly, enunciating her words as if she were explaining this to a child. “When you take something seriously, that makes it more precious, more resilient. Anyway, you know I want to start a family.”
“You’re rushing.”
“Do you not like Azeem?”
“What?”
“I get that feeling sometimes.”
“It’s not that I don’t like him, exactly. Although … yeah. Maybe I don’t. But it’s more that I don’t like who you’re becoming.”
“Who am I becoming?”
“It’s like everything you do revolves around him. You think more about his work than your own.”
“That’s not true.”
“It is, Naima. I’ve seen it. And you’re always praising him. He doesn’t do it back.”
“Did it occur to you I praise him so much because I want you to like him?”
“That’s even worse!”
“How?”
“I don’t know. It just is. It’s like, you’re trying to convince everyone of his greatness. Why? Who are you really trying to convince?”
“I can’t believe you’re saying this.”
“Look. Obviously, I’ll be supportive. I’ll be first in line, doing the dances at your shaadi, babysitting, whatever. I’m here. But you have to give me space to say what I need to say.”
“Okay, fine. Say it.”
“I just never thought you’d go for something so … conservative.”
“How is it conservative?”
“It just is. It feels conservative. I can feel you putting him first, and he’s putting himself first too. It’s the same old story, and I just thought you of all people wouldn’t get trapped in it so easily. I feel like you’ve moved, what, like ten inches, from where our mothers were. Naima, we live in a different world now. We don’t have to—”
“Enough,” she said.
“Fine.”
“Just because you don’t have anyone—”
“Are you seriously going there?”
“… doesn’t mean you have to ruin it for everyone else.”
“I didn’t want to say anything in the first place.”
“Then you shouldn’t have.”
“Fine. I’m sorry. I just … I worry about you, okay? That’s all. And I dunno. I see this shining star in you. You’re a fucking meteor, Naima. There’s no telling where you’ll go. And now, instead of sharing your shine with the world, you’re squandering it away.”
“Not if you’re around to tell me not to, right?”
“But why should I have to sit here reminding you? That’s not my job. And for what? To get shit from you about not liking him? And you know what? I don’t think you’re honest with him either.”
“Huh?”
“You don’t tell him things. Like you haven’t told him about your exes—what’s up with that?”
“I … I just don’t want to make him feel insecure.”
“Why should that make him insecure? Are you his property now?”
“I care about him, Anisa. It’s normal to protect people’s hearts when you care about them.”
“Does he know about the tantra?”
She said nothing.