The Fake Mate(102)
“Mackenzie, I . . . I really hurt you.”
“You’re damned right you did. Here I am, finally thinking I can try out this whole relationship thing, and you come along with your stupid ‘I don’t know if it’s the right time for us’ bullshit, and if I didn’t think you were doing that because of some nonsense alpha idea of protecting me, then I wouldn’t even be here.” She juts out her chin, staring me down. “Is that why you did what you did, Noah?”
I could keep up with the lie, even now. There is still a part of me that thinks eventually she would have realized I wasn’t enough, that there are better options for her out there, and maybe a good person would give her that opportunity. Maybe a better person would usher her out the door to make sure nothing bad ever touched her.
But maybe I’m not a better person.
“He threatened your job,” I tell her slowly. “He was going to turn you in for lying to the board.”
“That absolute fuckhead,” Mackenzie hisses. “I’m going to give him a testicular torsion when I see him again.”
“You’re not . . . mad at me?”
“Oh, I’m mad at you,” she assures me angrily. “You should have told me the truth. We could have figured out a solution together. You should have trusted me, Noah.”
“I should have,” I echo dumbly, knowing she’s right. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m not some damsel in distress who needs you to save me. This was my career on the line, too, and I deserved a choice here. You took that away from me when you went all alpha male.”
“I know. I know that, but I—”
“This is exactly what I wanted to avoid when you found out what I was. I have never wanted or needed someone to protect me, do you understand? I can do that myself. What I want is someone who is there for me. Even when times are tough.” She blinks, looking surprised. “Fuck. I didn’t even know I wanted that until you.”
“Mackenzie, I . . .” I run my fingers through my hair anxiously. “You’re right. You’re absolutely right, okay? I never wanted to hurt you, you have to believe me on that. It’s just I . . .” I huff out a breath, struggling for the words. “I’ve never cared about someone like I care about you.”
She blinks in surprise, whatever angry thing that had been on the tip of her tongue falling away. “What?”
“I don’t know when it happened, and I know we wanted to avoid it, but somewhere in the middle of all this fake mate nonsense, I started to have real feelings for you. And that terrified me. Not only because your career was suddenly put in jeopardy, but because I knew that one day you would figure out that you deserved a hell of a lot better than me.”
“Better than you,” she parrots slowly.
I nod, looking down at my feet. “I’m older than you, and I’m not very fun, and I’m learning that I’m entirely too possessive, and . . . Look at you.” I gesture to all of her. “You’re funny, and bright, and everyone loves you. I mean, they call me the damned Boogeyman of Denver General, for fuck’s sake.”
“Noah—” she starts, but I can’t seem to stop talking now.
“The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you, but I knew you would dive in headfirst to fight this thing, and I couldn’t risk you throwing everything away. Not for me. Because you might not regret it today, or tomorrow, but one day . . . you’d resent me for it. And I would deserve it. It felt like that future would be a lot more painful for you than ending things here. I thought . . .” I breathe in deep, blowing it out as I finally lift my head to meet her eyes. “I thought it would be easier for you to just forget me before I had the chance to hurt you even more.”
She doesn’t say anything for a long time, the seconds ticking by as we both just stare at each other. I can’t fathom what she might have to say to all that, but I’m preparing myself for the worst.
She shakes her head. “You’re right.”
I feel defeat weighing down on my shoulders. “I know,” I say dejectedly. “I understand if you—”
“I would have dived in headfirst to fight this,” she interrupts, and I forget what I was about to say. “Not just for me, but for you too.”
I feel stunned all over again. “What?”
“Noah,” she sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose. “You’re not as bad as you want people to believe. You’re a good doctor, and a good person, and you make me laugh . . . even if you don’t mean to. You’re not a boogeyman of anything. You’re just a big stupid genius with good intentions and bad execution.”
“I am?”
“Yeah,” she says wearily. “Yeah, that’s what I’m starting to realize.”
“I really thought I was doing the best thing for you,” I offer feebly.
She nods. “But you understand why it wasn’t now. Right?”
“Yes,” I answer softly. “I think I do.”
“You said you cared about me,” she says with an unreadable expression.
I suck in a breath. “I do.”
“Why?”
“Because . . .” I falter, not because I don’t know the answer, but because I am having trouble finding the right words. “Because when I’m with you . . . I don’t feel like I’m just going through the motions in life. When I’m with you . . . I feel like I’m actually living.”