The First Death (Columbia River, #4)(75)

I’m shocked. “I’m old.”

I’ve lost so many years.

The twins tentatively sit on a large stuffed square beside the couch. I have seen both of them cry, but they have also held something back. I felt their hugs, but something was missing. They are as unfamiliar to me as this room, and I suspect I feel the same to them. Mentally I know they’re my family, but the emotional connection isn’t there yet. Not like I feel with my parents and Rowan. I look from one to the other, still searching their faces for something I recognize, and I see hints of my father around their eyes and mouths. “Which of you . . . who is who?” I bungle the question.

“I’m Ivy,” says the one in the black dress.

“West is your son?” The boy was clinging to her earlier.

“Yes.”

I memorize her face, repeating her name in my head. I look at Iris and do the same. “The two of you were so tiny, Iris.” Her dark hair is long and wavy, a contrast to her twin’s perfectly shaped hairstyle.

I can’t get out of my mind how beautiful all three of my sisters are.

I feel like a filthy dog next to them.

I stare at my shoes again.

“Your birthday was just the other day,” said my mother. “We had a party for you. We hold one every year.”

I missed twenty-five birthdays with them.

I look at her and immediately drop my gaze. “Did you look for me?”

My mother clutches my arm. “Oh, honey. We searched hard for you for years. We never gave up hope.”

“I still go search every year,” Rowan says quietly.

I glance at her. “I thought you were dead. Killed by wild animals.”

She catches a breath. “I was found by a search dog and handler. They kept looking for you too.”

I shudder and lower my head. “I thought I caused your death by leaving you alone.”

She’s suddenly kneeling before me, lifting my chin, making me look at her. Her face is wet with tears. “You were a seven-year-old child trying to save your little sister who had a broken leg. You tried so hard, Malcolm. You carried me so far. But you were right to hide me and go find help. It was the logical thing to do,” she says forcefully. “You were so brave for a child. It boggles my mind what you did for me.”

I screw my eyes shut, remembering how terrified I was that day when I realized I’d lost the path back to her. “I’m so sorry.”

“What are you sorry for?” She shakes her head. “You did nothing wrong.”

She’s right. But I’m accustomed to apologizing for every little thing even when it’s not my fault.

“Malcolm.” Rowan moves her hands to my knees. My hands are still cuffed behind my back, making me lean forward at an awkward angle. “Look at me.”

I try. I drop her gaze and then try again. It’s almost physically impossible for me.

“Where have you been all this time, Malcolm?” she asks softly.

I can’t speak and I close my eyes. Shudders rack my body. It’s too hard. I want this moment with my family to stretch on and on, but if I tell them where I’ve been, they’ll find out about the bodies. And I’ll be taken away again. This time to prison.

“Did he find you that day in the woods?” It’s a whisper, and her voice shakes.

He was so mean to her. She was just a little girl. I want to cry for the time she suffered with him. I’d go back if it meant her memories of that time would be erased.

I give a small nod. My eyes still closed.

My parents suck in breaths, and my father utters a long curse.

“What happened to you after Jerry was caught?” she asked.

I don’t want to tell her about Liam, so I say nothing. I open my eyes. I’m miserable and long to share everything but know it will end this amazing day.

A day I dreamed about for twenty-five years.

Rowan must sense my reluctance, so she asks a different question. “Malcolm, why didn’t you come before now?”

I take a deep breath. “I couldn’t escape until today.”

I swear the air is sucked from the room. The silence is deafening.

“You were held captive all that time?” my father asks, his voice tight.

I can’t look him in the eye, but I nod.

“That’s why you didn’t know your age.” My mother sobs, burying her face in her hands.

“Who kept you?” Rowan asks.

My pulse pounds in my head, and I’m suddenly dizzy, but I force myself to look at her and decide to tell the truth. “There were two of them, Rowan,” I whisper. “Two men played those torture games with us. Jerry and Liam. Only one of them got caught.”

“Take his cuffs off,” Rowan says in a teary voice, looking at the deputy. The deputy glances at the man she called Evan, and he gives a small nod. I can tell there is something between Evan and Rowan. They look at each other as if they can read each other’s thoughts.

The cuffs click a few times, and my arms are stiff as I rub my wrists.

“You are safe and home now,” Dad tells me. “You will always have a place here.”

I’m touched and tears well in my eyes.

How many times have I dreamed of this moment?

Home. Real family. Safety.

Thor comes and shoves his nose in my hand. I’m surprised, and I hesitantly touch the dog’s head.