The Lost Bookshop(18)

Following a stand-off over what I should be wearing for the event, in which she produced an actual maid’s outfit, I wore my new blouse and a black pencil skirt that she happened to have in her wardrobe. It was probably the dullest thing she owned. It was too big for me, so I borrowed a large red patent belt as well, which matched my hairband and pleased her enough to let me answer the door. As I had expected, three pension-age women stood gossiping and preening on the doorstep like a couple of old hens. They barely gave me a passing glance as they swept past me in a flurry of feathers and noise. I shook my head and smiled. When I thought of all the days I’d sat in the gloom of my kitchen, staring out at the fields that offered nothing but maybe the odd glimpse of a hare or the bright colours of a pheasant before some farmer shot it, it was hard to imagine that people were carrying on like this. Having fun. Eating well. Getting caterers. It was another world.

I stood with a frozen smile on my face, acting as a human coat hanger. Who even wore fur any more? Finally, it was time to serve the meal and I carried out my duties like someone who had worked in service all their lives – an invisible figure. That was when I realised someone was, in fact, invisible. Madame Bowden. Her place at the table was unoccupied. The women ate and gossiped and laughed at other people’s expense, not seeming to have noticed.

‘Will Madame Bowden return before dessert?’ I asked a little uncertainly.

‘I shouldn’t think so,’ said a woman whose neck was of such girth that she was in danger of being choked by her own pearls, which she now clutched. They all gave each other pointed looks and then, rather rudely in my opinion, began to laugh. Had this happened before? Madame Bowden not showing up for her own party?

‘And where did she find you?’ asked the other one, in a slim black dress that threatened to fall off her scrawny shoulders. I stopped mid-stretch as I was clearing the table, thinking of all the things I’d like to say. On the bottom of her shoe! Where did she think?

‘She put an ad in the paper for a housekeeper and I responded.’

‘Wonders never cease. What possible use would she have for a housekeeper?’ said the third woman, who was clearly the alpha female of the group. She lounged like a cat and smoked a thin cigar.

‘I should get myself a nice country girl too. They’re less likely to run off after their dreams or whatever it is. Know what side their bread is buttered,’ she said, speaking as though I wasn’t even there.

I nearly dropped the tray. I was used to people looking down their noses at me, but you’d swear I was Cinderella.

‘Actually, I’m working here to fund my way through university,’ I said defiantly.

‘Is that so?’ said pearl lady. ‘And what are you studying?’

What was I studying? Why had I opened my mouth! My hands started to feel sweaty. I decided to pretend I hadn’t heard the question.

‘I’ll bring some brandy through to the parlour when you’ve finished.’

I was seething with anger and shame. She knew I wasn’t good enough to make something of my life. They all did. I’d blown everything, made all the wrong choices and landed here, bowing down to these pretentious old biddies. But there was nothing I could do. This was my home now. I couldn’t just walk out without a plan. I wished I could, but the shame I felt at being a victim always tripped me up first. It was always there, I felt branded by it. I left them playing cards and getting rip-roaring drunk.

I went downstairs to my little apartment and tugged off my outfit before having a long, hot shower. Wrapped in a towel, I lay down on my bed and saw the continuing education leaflets from the library on the kitchen table. It felt pointless now. Whatever burst of energy I’d had earlier was completely gone. What hateful women they were. No wonder Madame Bowden did a runner. With friends like that, who needed enemies? A feeling bubbled up from somewhere deep inside of me – I just wanted to be held. I missed being held. The only person I’d spoken to since arriving in Dublin (besides my annoying employer) was Henry. Little did he know, he was the only thing I had that resembled a friend. And I couldn’t even count on that because he didn’t even live here. He’d be gone as soon as he found his manuscript, or whatever he was looking for.

Why was I thinking about him anyway? I felt guilty, or wrong in some way, to be thinking about a man at all after everything I had just been through. But Henry was the polar opposite to Shane; to any man I’d ever met. The way he told me that story about the author carrying his heavy suitcase across the border, his passion for rescuing lost or misplaced things, there was something so endearing about it. And even though I didn’t want to admit it to myself, he really was attractive. Sometimes when he looked at me with those hazel eyes, I found it hard to catch my breath. But then I would think, what would he ever see in a woman like me? All he was interested in was the bookshop. Nothing more.

I turned on my side and hugged my pillow. That was when I noticed the cracks in the wall. Had they always been there? Surely I would have noticed them. Three crooked lines of various thickness appeared from behind the wardrobe and spread out like tiny vines creeping along the blue wall. I lay there staring at them. How could I not have spotted them before? And what was going on behind the wardrobe? I got up and ran my fingers over them. They seemed pretty deep and solid, as though they had been there for some time. I tried to move the wardrobe but it was an antique and weighed a ton. For a second, I became aware of breathing; someone else’s breathing. I turned around but there was nothing there. I wondered if it were possible to read places, the same way that I could read people. The thought made me shudder. Maybe I didn’t want to know what had gone on here. I whispered the name Opaline into the walls. Nothing. I shook my head, realised I was being ridiculous and got dressed for bed.