The Romance Revival(50)

He mulls this over. “Okay,” he says. “Thank you.” Luca tugs on my hand for us to continue.

He doesn’t let go, twisting his fingers with mine as we walk. It’s such a simple thing, but the sensation is the equivalent of a boulder rolling over inside my chest.

“Since this is our first date, and we are clearly strangers who have never been married to each other before,” he says with a grin, “why don’t you tell me about yourself. Favorite color?”

“Blue.” His eyes, his favorite shirt, the color of the small sapphires in my ring.

“Food?”

“Anything you make, but I’m partial to your seared tuna and green rice.”

“That sounds impressive.”

“It is. Maybe we can make it together. You never used a recipe, and it would be interesting to see if the steps feel familiar at all.” Not as a scientist, I tell myself, but as Emery Martín.

Paved ground gives way to sand, and the air seems to shift, too, heavier, cleaner, the wind carrying with it a fine mist. The tide is going out, and a handful of families build sandcastles; others search for shells or seaweed on the freshly exposed shore. We walk in comfortable silence, no direction in mind, just two people, almost strangers, but also not.

“We got married over there,” I say, pointing down the beach. “You can’t see it from here because the coast curves, but it’s called Torrey Pines.”

He follows my gaze, squinting into the distance. “I saw the photos at the house. We looked so happy.”

I smile up at him. “We were.”

“Can we go there soon?”

“Of course.”

“You know, I’m guessing you’ve told me all this before, but when did you know you wanted to be a doctor?”

We have had this conversation, but I’ve told him everything in half-truths, stopping before I got too close to something I wasn’t supposed to say. It’s different now, I remind myself. I’m different. At least I want to be.

“I’d always had an aptitude for STEM, but it wasn’t until my parents died that I knew I wanted it to be my life.”

“Oh shit.” He squeezes my hand. “How old were you?”

“Fourteen. I wasn’t with them,” I say, eyes on the breaking surf. “I’d been begging to go to this girls’ camp in Big Bear, so they sent me and decided to go on a weekend trip, just the two of them. I’d been out on the lake all day with my friends, and when we got back to camp my aunt was there waiting to talk to me. She said my parents had been in an accident, and that they hadn’t made it. Just like that. One moment I had parents, and the next moment I didn’t.

“I packed up all my things and we got in her car and started back toward San Diego. We were about ten minutes from camp when I got service on my phone again. There was a voicemail from my mom.”

Luca stops us and turns me to face him. He looks down at me, eyes intent, patiently waiting for me to continue.

“She’d tried to call me, right after the crash, I think. My dad was already gone; he’d been the one driving and had died on impact, but my mom’s injuries were to her abdomen, and she was hanging on, trying to make it until the paramedics came. She said she loved me more than anything, that they both loved me, and she was sorry she was going to miss my band concert the next week.”

I take a deep, shaking breath and Luca reaches up to swipe at the tears on my cheeks. I hadn’t even realized I was crying. He pulls me just a little closer.

“Her breaths were heavy,” I say, “and I don’t know if she was in pain or if it was the adrenaline, but she could have made it, Luca. She had a lacerated liver. She suffered internal bleeding and circulatory collapse, which they told me triggered cardiac arrest. But now I know they could have saved her.”

“And that’s why you do this.”

I nod. “BioNEX is the only place with enough money and ambition to fund the kind of work I do. The things we’re doing…” I swallow. “We could have saved her. That’s why it’s so hard to just walk away.”

Luca is looking at me in a way he hasn’t since before the accident, like he can see straight through me. Only this time, I’m not trying to protect anything, not trying to keep a part of him out.

“I started college only six months after they died. I see now that I basically filled that hole by putting my head down and just grinding. College, medical and graduate school, and eventually BioNEX.” I shake my head at the recollection. “When I started working there, I knew there would be trade-offs. They warned me. There were confidentiality clauses and NDAs and my boss, Leonard, said that I would have nearly unlimited resources, yes, but I would never have a normal life.” I huff out a dry laugh. “But by that point, I hadn’t had a normal life in a decade anyway. I didn’t even know what ‘normal’ looked like. All I knew was that if it meant I might save people like my mom, I was okay with it.” I look up at him. “I never questioned that decision until I met you.”

Luca smiles, his eyes flicking down to my mouth before meeting mine again, searching.

“I thought I could do it, but I really, really sucked at it,” I say, smiling sadly up at him. He reaches up, gently dragging the pad of his thumb beneath my eye again. “It was selfish to want both. I know that now,” I say, and it’s like another boulder turns over inside me, my breath coming easier. “It wasn’t fair to you. I’ve never told you that before, and I’m sorry.”