The Safekeep(60)

March 20, 1961


Lola knows him. Lola knows him. Lola knows him. We had drinks at Goededag and I started telling her about the old neighbor lady, and the three siblings, and Louis den Brave in the newspaper and she said, “Oh I know that guy.” And I said, No you don’t, go away. She said she did! She insisted she did! He lives in Den Haag and he went with a friend of hers for a while and one time she visited that friend and he took them both out dancing. Lola said he’s a spender and a sweet talker and the worst kind of both and that he dumped her friend very suddenly just a few weeks later. That her friend was pretty broken up about this, that Lola had her on the phone crying a few times. I said it made sense that he was a fucker. And then that thing happened again where I started laughing and couldn’t stop laughing and Lola got worried. I smoked a cigarette and that helped. So then I asked her where he lives. She wouldn’t tell me. I asked her what bar he took them to. She said she’d tell me if I promised not to go there and to not bother him. I promised I would not bother him and so she told me the name of the bar. It’s Monday today. I will take the train on Friday.





March 25, 1961


He is more handsome than I imagined but otherwise he is exactly as I imagined.





March 26, 1961


I saw him and I thought, Do I remember him? Is that the face I remember seeing through the window, sitting at the dinner table?

He didn’t look like anyone to me. Mum was banging on the windows saying get out get out and his mother looked my mother in the face and said, This is not your house, and she closed the door in her face. And still he just looks like a man. Like any man looks like any man.





March 28, 1961


I wonder if I ask him about the hearth in the kitchen will he have anything to say about it. Will he say, That is my favorite place in the house. That is where it gets warmest and where I can sit on a chair and hold the bare soles of my feet to the fire. I wonder if I ask him about the creak in the hallway and the firs and my mother’s spoons will he know which spoons I mean will he have used them will he know





March 30, 1961


Basje is huge now, all belly. She bleached my hair in the kitchen sink. That stuff is a chemical weapon I swear. It’s been two days and all I can smell is ammonia. My scalp burnt something awful and now it itches. Every time I see myself in the mirror I’m not sure what I’m seeing. It’s not especially pretty and not especially ugly. Very yellow, very strange. Heading back to Den Haag on Saturday. I am borrowing one of Basje’s old dresses and her good lipstick.





April 2, 1961


It was terribly easy. I danced with one of his friends and while I danced with this friend all I did was look at him from across the room and look at him and look at him. Isn’t that it? Most people just want to be seen. I let him buy me a drink and gave him my name and then said I forgot his name several times even though he kept reminding me. I asked him to tell me about boats. He said, “You mean ships,” and I said oh I’m so stupid about these things, I don’t know anything, tell me about boats. He said: ships, you mean ships. I said: ships, whatever you want. He asked to see me again. I said oh but I barely know you. He said, Don’t you want to get to know me? I said, Who knows, maybe.

Pesach. Chag Sameach.





April 6, 1961


We went out to lunch. He likes to order for you and then he likes to watch you eat it. We took a walk along the boulevard. It was gray and windy the waves were high. My hat flew off and he caught it for me. I held it over my face, and he said, “What are you doing?” So I explained that I was keeping the water from my face so my makeup wouldn’t run and he laughed like this was a very funny thing to say. He said I was a strange girl and that he liked me. He asked to walk me home and I said that I’m staying with a friend in Amsterdam because I was looking for an apartment. I knew what he was going to say and then he said it: “You can always stay with me.” Oh? I said. Oh? Where do you live? He explained where he lived. I said, “Is that the only place where you live? Where else do you live?” And then he laughed again like I had said something very strange.





April 15, 1961


Have been bad with work & fired. Went home with Louis last night. A damp apartment, shared kitchen & bathroom. Housemate wasn’t home. He was all hands and a lot of mouth. Gnawed more than kissed. It was over quickly. In bed at some point he said, “I love how you have so much body” and I said what do you mean I have so much body? And he said “oh you know what I mean” in this sweet voice with his hands all over me. He isn’t bad I’ve definitely had worse for worse causes. I asked him to tell me about his family. He said there isn’t much to tell. I said tell me their names, what do they do, where do they live. He wanted to know why I wanted to know. I said, “I want to know about your life and where you came from.” He said that his parents were dead. That his brother Hendrik also lives in Den Haag and that he was an accountant. His sister Isabel lives in the east in their old family home. I asked, Alone? He said, “She has someone who helps with the house come by every other day.” I said that that still meant she lived alone. He said, “Then I guess she lives alone.” I asked if he ever thought of moving back, such a big family home, there must be space. He went quiet for a while and then he said that actually it was his. I said, “What do you mean?” He said, “The house. My uncle holds the deed but it goes to me.” I said, It goes to you? And he said that when he wants to start a family the house is his. When he marries. When he wants to have kids. My heart was beating so hard I was sure he could feel it. I was lying half on top of him, naked, he should have felt my heart going thud thud thud! But he didn’t. I said, “Is that something you want? To get married and have children?” And he put his hands around me tightly and said “Oh, when the right girl comes along” and then kissed me like he was trying to make me feel special.