The Second Chance Year(70)
“No!” I shriek.
Noooooooo.
I clutch the halves in my hands, trying to piece them back together. But even if I could somehow make that work, the whole disk is marked with wide scratches, as if it were clawed by a lion who hates me.
It’s toast.
It’s gone, and I’ll never get it back. And maybe that’s a metaphor for everything that mattered before I stupidly tanked my old life and chose this one instead. Maybe Kasumi is gone, and Jacob is gone, and my dream to be a pastry chef is gone. And the old Sadie—the one who was pretty great but talked herself into not believing it—maybe she’s gone, too.
I flop my head down on the steering wheel with a low moan.
Thump. Thump.
My head flies up and swings toward the noise on the driver’s side window. I let out a scream. All I can see is a gloved hand and an arm in a blue coat, but it’s clearly a man—tall and broad—standing next to the car, knocking on the glass. I reach for the gear shift so I can peel out of here. But right before I do, the man calls out, “Sadie?” It’s muffled through the window. How does he know my name? And then—“It’s Jacob.” Ah, okay, that explains it. He takes a step back and holds his hands in the air as if to show me he’s harmless.
I roll down the window. “Jesus, Jacob, you scared me to death,” I yell. My heart bubbles like doughnuts in hot oil.
“Shhh. Don’t wake the neighborhood,” he whispers. “What are you doing here?” Jacob bends down to peer into the car, and little droplets of melted snow sparkle on his dark hair. What if I got out of the car and threw myself in his arms? But then I remember the CD on my lap. I quickly shove the pieces onto the floor mat to hide the evidence.
“What are you doing here?” I ask. Maybe my longing for him somehow sent a wish into the universe and he appeared? Believe me, stranger things have happened. But next time, the universe and I need to work on our wish-delivery system. I can’t take this kind of excitement.
Jacob hitches his chin toward the Craftsman bungalow across the street from where I’m parked. “That’s my parents’ place.”
Oh right. Jacob grew up only a couple of blocks from Owen and me. I probably would have recognized the house in the light of day, but tonight, I had my mind on other things.
“I tried calling when I saw you sitting out here, but you didn’t answer,” Jacob continues.
I look around the car. “I think I left my phone at home.”
“So, are you here looking for… me?” he asks.
“Yes.” Yes, I’m here looking for you. I will be looking for you for the rest of my life. “Uh, I mean, no. I mean, I was just out for a drive. You want to come?” I kick the CD farther under my seat.
He hesitates, and I’m seized with wild hope. Finally, his shoulders droop, just a little. “I can’t. Paige is here, and we were in the middle of a movie. I just came out when we noticed your car.”
“Oh.” I look back toward the house, and Paige is standing in the doorway now. I mean, of course Paige is here. That’s how it works. When you’re dating someone, and they’re important to you, you invite them home for the holidays. It’s not like Owen didn’t warn me. She waves, and I lift my hand weakly in return. “That’s so nice that Paige is here with you for Christmas.”
“Well, her family is in California, and she couldn’t get the time off to fly out there. I didn’t want her to be alone.”
“She’s lucky to be with you.” So lucky. “I’ll let you get back to your movie.” I shift my body so I’m facing the front windshield.
Jacob takes a step back, away from the car. “Merry Christmas, Sadie.”
“You too, Jacob.” I put the car in gear and drive off.
Chapter 36
It’s amazing how much heavier your body feels with half of your heart missing.
I drift through the rest of the holiday in a daze, which, in the end, is a blessing. When I make the announcement to my family that I didn’t get the promotion, I have a new level of detachment that I’ve never been able to achieve with my parents before. I guess they’re upset, but you know what? That’s their problem. I’m dealing with my own heartbreak over here, and I don’t have the energy to suffer through theirs.
Back in the city, I spend my time lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling with Gio curled up on my chest. I’m going to have to figure out a job soon, because I only have a couple of months’ cushion before I’ll have to dip into the money I’ve been saving to start my bakery. For now, I can’t face it, though. New York might be a big city, but the restaurant industry is a small town, and I’m sure Xavier has trash-talked me to everyone he knows. If I end up losing this apartment, it’s not like Jacob is going to take me in again.
I try not to dwell on Jacob, but he’s everywhere in this tiny apartment. Standing in the middle of the room, filling up the space. Smiling at me from my couch, a plate of chocolate cake on his lap. Wrestling with my cat and suggesting the perfect name.
Walking across the room, sitting on the bed, and kissing me.
The worst part is that I did this to myself. Jacob loved me. I know he did. All through my Very Bad Year, and long before that, he loved me in the most generous, thoughtful, the most Jacob ways. If I hadn’t been so self-absorbed, I might have looked up from my own misery to see it. To see him. And if I had, I’d probably be with him right now. But I wished that year away. I wished that chance away. And when I did, I set a whole new year into motion. One where Jacob met Paige, and he fell in love with her instead of me. It’s all my fault. And there’s nothing I can do to change it.