The Unfortunate Side Effects of Heartbreak and Magic(60)

“I—I know. But every time I was about to, we got interrupted. And then Gigi. And I just wanted a little bit longer. A little bit more time with you before, well, before this.”

Her pulse was jumpy, and a cold sweat was breaking out on her forehead.

“How long?” she demanded.

“A few months.”

“Why the hell did you move back here?”

He ran a hand through his hair.

“Have you ever been at a point in your life where you felt like everything was finally going the way it was supposed to?”

“Yeah, and then you left. And here we are again. With me stupidly thinking we might have a chance in hell. But of course it can never be that simple with you,” she said.

“But life isn’t simple. It’s not black and white like that, Sade. It’s messy and hard and heartbreaking. And those are the things that knock the rough edges off. That make life worth living.”

“That’s rich, coming from you. I like my rough edges just fine,” she seethed, but she wasn’t sure she believed herself. Not anymore.

“They don’t protect you as much as you think.”

She wanted to tell him that she kept things black and white because it was easier when you couldn’t have it all. It made things fall neatly into one category or another: can have, can’t have. It wasn’t a byproduct of magic, but of her personality. Of the way she’d come to see things, growing up. It made her fight harder for the things she did have. Because she would do anything to keep them. And now, here he was again, slipping through her hands. Or no—he hadn’t even been there to begin with.

“Bethany is—” he started.

“Bethany,” she said flatly, hating the way the name tasted on her tongue,

“Yes, Bethany. I was happy with her. Or happy enough, anyway.”

“And what? You started to get cold feet and thought you’d come back here and screw with my heart again? You’re the reason I have trust issues! You’re the reason I’m terrified that everyone is going to leave me. You broke my heart. You broke me.”

“You don’t think I was broken too? I wanted to come back. To you. But I knew I’d messed up too badly. And still, you were the only one I could imagine spending the rest of my life with. When I finally decided to come back, I’d heard Randy or someone had proposed to you.”

“Ryan,” Sadie said shortly.

“And what was I supposed to do? Come back and screw that up for you like I screwed up everything else? I owed it to you to let you be happy, even if I was miserable. And that’s when I met Bethany. So, I stayed. And by the time I found out that you weren’t with Randy—”

“Ryan,” she corrected him again.

“By that time, I … um … we—well, we found out she was pregnant.”

He was looking anywhere but at her face.

“Pregnant,” she echoed. The shards of ice in her stomach splintered apart.

“Whatever doubts I was having, I have to do right by her. I grew up in a broken home, and I won’t do that to my kid. But it’s more than that,” he said, and she saw the light bloom in his eyes.

“You’re excited to be a dad,” she whispered, and her breath was so cold it came out in a fog.

“Terrified, actually, but yeah, excited too.” And he sounded guilty for feeling it. “I built part of my life with this woman, Sade. And I don’t want to abandon her.”

“I understand,” she said, and she did, even though it made her stomach turn until she felt sick. Jake, at Bethany’s side, welcoming new life into the world. He was too noble to ever walk away.

“I should have told you sooner. But I was trying to forget. And being with you again, being near you, it made me realize what I’ll never have. Sleepy mornings shuffling around in the kitchen. Summer barbecues and touching my feet to yours in bed at night just to feel you near me. The right to worry about you. You. And I wanted to live in that a little longer before Bethany got here. Can you blame me?”

“Yes,” she said without hesitation. “I hate you.” The way she said it sounded like anything but. “You being here—it screws everything up. I can’t breathe when you’re near. You’re exactly the same. You string me along, make me love you.”

“I can’t make you do anything, Sade. Trust me, I’ve learned that by now. You and me, we’re like fire and gasoline. I wish I could take it all back—trust me, I do.” He ran a hand distractedly through his hair. “Just tell me what you want from me. You never want to hear from me again? Okay. You want me not to move here? Done. I won’t buy the damn house.”

They were both silent.

“Do you love her?” she asked quietly. She didn’t want to know the answer. But she needed to know. Not that it would change anything.

He was silent for a moment. Hesitating. “I think I could learn to love her.”

And her heart hurt for him, just a little.

“Why not just stay in the city?” she demanded.

He sat back down, grabbing his now warm beer and staring hard at the label.

“I was working at a station in the city. We deal with—or dealt with—a lot of drug calls. People overdosing, beat up from some fight or other. Our paramedics try to patch them up, or we take them to the hospital. What I didn’t know was that there was a turf war going on between two gangs.” He took a deep breath. Leaned back in his chair. Took a long drink. “Kids were involved. Kids, Sadie. Strung out on drugs or peddling coke or weed or meth. One night we got a call and it was—well, his name was Adam. His mother had called because he’d overdosed on cocaine. He was ten.”