This Story Might Save Your Life(82)

I’d never mentioned the toxin poisoning scandal, but she would’ve heard our apology on the podcast. More people had landed in the hospital since the news came out. The only consolation at this point was that no one had died. “I do too.”

“The gall of those shady food scientists they hired, thinking they could get around the FDA like that. I swear to you, Emil had no idea. He thought it was a safe investment. A chance for everyone to make a little extra money.”

This sent an unpleasant tingle down my spine. “I’m not sure I’m following.”

Her cheek muscle twitched. “I thought…” She looked down at the table, now coated in a speckled layer of soil. “Xander said he was going to tell you.”

But of course Xander hadn’t told me.

That day, I learned everything I never wanted to know about the Shake Awake corporation. I believed we’d donated those ads out of the goodness of our hearts, but in fact Xander had traded TSMSYL’s premium mid-roll space for a personal stake in the company.

As for how it came about, Shake Awake’s cofounder just happened to be one of Emil’s longtime personal training clients. In need of venture capital and aware that Emil trained a number of deep-pocketed A-list actors and producers (most of whom he’d met on set during his stunt-double days), this cofounder offered Emil a commission for every investor he brought in.

I wasn’t surprised Xander jumped at the chance to be involved. He would’ve loved being considered one of Emil’s A-listers.

What did surprise me, however, was that Xander had been making these little trades all along. I didn’t want to believe it at first, but the details added up. Every time Benny and I thought we were donating ad space, Xander was actually making a side deal. Philanthropy, my ass. Xander’s “long game” equity investment portfolio from our early marriage had not proven fruitful, and that sneaky bastard was using our podcast’s clout to ameliorate his loss. He’d found a way to invest risk-free, and he was goddamn proud of it.

So proud he bragged about it to Emil after sealing the Shake Awake deal.

Not long after, shit went down.

Now Xander’s outsized reaction to the whole ordeal made so much more sense. Shake Awake didn’t recall their products quickly enough when they learned their “generally recognized as safe” runaround was in fact unsafe, nor did they inform Emil or any of their investors. And Xander couldn’t explain why he was so angry, because then he’d have to admit he’d started the entire venture with a lie.

Dozens, maybe hundreds, of people had taken seriously ill, and due to my husband’s greed, we were connected in a far more tangible way than I originally believed. I had no way to know what these side deals looked like on paper, or if Apex Plus was clued in, but either way it didn’t bode well.

I found myself struggling to breathe. Xander had been in charge of our money since day one, and now I wondered what else he’d been hiding. He paid our bills. Balanced our budget. Filed our taxes. I once asked if I could take a more active role in our accounting, and he laughed. “You’d be lost without me,” he always said, and now I realized he was right.

When I pushed my sleeves up, overtaken by the dizzying heat of anger, Carlotta let out a heavy sigh. Gaze locked on my forearms, she said, sadly, “I had a feeling.”

Mortified, I yanked my sleeves back down, but it was too late. She’d already seen the bruises.

“I—I fell out of bed.”

She shook her head. “There’s nothing I haven’t heard.”

I knew she was referring to her years as a judge. The cases she’d presided over. “It’s not like that,” I insisted. “He’s just stressed. It’s been a bad month.”

“It has. I’ve seen his anger directed toward my partner and it’s not pretty. But I’m not worried about Emil.” Touching my sleeve, she said, “If a man is capable of that over a bad month of business, I’m afraid of what he would do over a bad month of marriage.”

“It’s not like that,” I said again, but I was already losing steam. “I can leave.”

Carlotta glanced out at the garden, frown pulling down her weathered cheeks. “I imagine a lot of the victims in my courtroom would’ve said the same thing.”

I didn’t respond. She took my hand.

When I was ready, she knew a place.

But it still felt impossible. There was the podcast, and I would have to tell Benny, and if the energy shake scandal didn’t end our prospects with Apex Plus, my disappearance surely would. The life-changing money I’d counted on to start over was no longer a given, but I couldn’t rule it out. The stress resulting from this intolerable limbo depleted my central nervous system. For days, I slunk through life as if trapped in a debilitating hangover. I was nauseated, and tired, so very, very tired. So tired I nearly convinced myself I was better off doing nothing.

And then, a week later, I learned I was pregnant.

Everything hurts. In the past, when I was like this, Xander would reposition me every few hours, placing a pillow behind the small of my back, between my knees, under my elbows. When the need passed, I marveled that it was ever necessary in the first place. “What would you do without me?” he would ask.

What would I do without him?

I need a shower. My armpits are oniony. My breath is foul. If Xander were here he would carry me to the bathroom and lather me from head to toe, and I would play puppet, accepting my role. He would rinse me and dry me and return me to bed, naked and clean.