This Summer Will Be Different(79)

I frown at my screen.

“That’s a lot of pink and orange and green,” Felix says. “What does it all mean?”

I sigh. “Meetings, event installations, staff schedules.”

“Wow.”

I flip through to September, and it’s worse. “Everyone assumes summer is our busy time,” I explain when Felix’s eyes widen. “But things pick up in the fall in Toronto.” And I need to start interviewing for the new positions, and then train those people. “I’m never going to be able to leave the city,” I murmur absently.

We look at October. “Farah has time off over Thanksgiving this year. I forgot. I won’t be able to come to the island then.” My heart sinks. This is going to be a lot more challenging than I thought. I signed that contract with Cena without considering how it would impact Felix and me.

“I’m stressed just looking at this,” I say. “Why have I done this to myself? How are we going to make this work?”

“Maybe seeing each other every month was too optimistic. But we don’t need to book any flights tonight,” he says. “We’ll be okay, Lucy. We’ll both be busy. I’ve promised Zach I’d scope out some new properties this fall. Time will fly.”

I don’t think that’s true.

“I know we said we’d take things slow, but this feels like taking things nowhere.” I hadn’t thought it through before, but having Felix with me in Toronto has underlined how much long distance is going to suck. “You being there, me being here. It’s going to be hard.”

It’s going to be even worse when Bridget leaves in October.

I look around the apartment. The small kitchen that opens to the living and dining area. The round white table and wishbone chairs I made Bridget carry home with me all the way from Richmond and Bathurst. The pink sofa I bought after she moved out. The rose-colored glassware on the brass bar cart. It all looks like me, but this place hasn’t really felt like home since Bridget left. She’s what gave these walls meaning. Without her, it’s a book without words, a vase with no flowers. I don’t want to come home to this. I turn back to Felix. Maybe I don’t have to.

The idea bursts from me like a rocket.

“I should move to PEI,” I blurt out.

Felix laughs, surprised, until he sees that I’m not kidding. “Maybe one day—”

I cut him off. “No. Like, now. I should move in with you.”

“Uh.”

“Think about it. It’s perfect. I love it there, and I love being with you. I can’t face my life right now, Felix. Bridget’s leaving, and I’m burnt out, and it’s only going to get worse. Look at this thing.” I wave my phone in the air. “I think I might need to blow it all up. I want to go back with you.”

“Lucy.” He’s looking at me carefully. “It’s always hard to go back to normal life after a trip. I think you might be suffering from a severe vacation hangover.”

“No, I think I might be having an epiphany. I signed the restaurant contract, but I don’t even know if I really wanted to. I don’t know what I’m doing. I need to figure out what I want my life to be so I can live it fully.”

Saying the words out loud makes me miss Stacy all over. I want Italian take-out nights. I want her to take me to a play. I want her arms around me. I want dancing in the kitchen with Bridget. I want to grasp on to those moments, to wrap myself up in them. I want a soft place to land, and more than anything I don’t want to spend my nights alone. Here.

“You can’t do that, Lucy. We can’t do that.” Felix looks stricken.

“Why not?” The lines above his nose are deepening, but I press forward. “Farah can take over the store for however long I need her to. It would be like . . . an extended vacation.”

Felix blinks. “Living on the island isn’t an extended vacation. I’m not one, either.”

“No, I know.” I blow out an exhale. “Of course I know that.”

“We both said we wanted to take things slow. It’s too soon to move in together. We haven’t even talked about our future together, not really.”

“I know, but we can sort that out, right? It’ll be easier if I’m there, without the rest of my life to worry about.” My brain is fuzzy but some part of it must know what I sound like. But the brakes have fallen off, and for some inexplicable reason I barrel on. “Felix, I just need some time to figure things out. I need to find myself, you know?”

As soon as I say it, I know I’ve made a mistake. And not just because Felix flinches.

“I’m sorry,” I say quickly. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

For a few seconds, he can’t speak. He swallows. “Lucy. I—” A shadow passes over his gaze.

I put my hand on his shoulder. “I’m not her,” I say quietly, but I don’t think he hears.

“I—” Felix closes his eyes. One inhale through his nose. “Lucy, I don’t think this is going to work.”

My lungs stop. “What?”

“Not right now.”

My lips part, but I can’t get words to come out.

“Lucy, I want to be with you.” He cups my elbows, face close to mine. “But I need to know that you want to be with me for the right reasons—not because you need a break from your life.”