Under the Same Stars(42)
“Mads, you could’ve texted us after Douchebag Derek,” Meredith said. “Or FaceTimed after skating with Chad. You didn’t need to wait until today to share.” She offered me a smile. “We really are here for you.”
But I don’t want to talk to you about it, I thought, as kind as Meredith and the others (except for Reese right now) were.
“Yeah,” Yasmin echoed. “If you want us to be Chris Harrison, all you need to do is ask.”
I was silent for several moments, then rose from my chair. I wanted to find Nana. “I have a busy summer,” I said. “Can we postpone the setups until further notice?”
“Of course,” Amanda said before the others could. “I take dating breaks all the time. It’s healthy. Let us know when you’re ready again.”
“Or if you’re ready again,” Meredith amended. “There’s no pressure, Mads.” She pushed back her chair too, a signal that she was going to mingle. “And despite what Ice Queen Reese says,” she said when we were far enough away from the bridesmaids, “this is meant to be fun.”
The corners of my eyes prickled. “I want a boyfriend,” I said, because after seeing how happy Katie (somehow) made Austin, getting a glimpse of Meredith and Wit’s relationship, and running into Davis and Natalie, I realized I did. I wanted that someone that I could share endless inside jokes with and hug after a long day. Someone that would love me even when I was fired up and hangry. “But I don’t know how to find one,” I told Meredith. “I can talk to guys”—I thought of Connor—“but I can’t talk to guys.”
Meredith smiled faintly. “Katie used to say that all the time in college. People would hit on her whenever we went out, but she said her brain would short-circuit and she couldn’t ever generate a snappy response.” She laughed. “She once begged me to teach her how to flirt, but it turned out I didn’t need to. When she met Austin, she knew exactly what to say.” She squeezed my arm. “You’ll know what to say when you meet the right person, whether through one of these blind dates or a chance encounter. Who knows…?” She gave me a look. “You might have already met him.” A pause, then a slight smile. “You might have met him a long time ago.”
After she walked away, I felt a pang of longing for Halloween candy. I closed my eyes and saw Connor trying to shove an entire Snickers bar into his mouth.
Is Meredith right? I wondered. Have I already met him?
Thirteen
By early July, the sun was blazing, but I was out in our front field doing stickwork drills. Arthur and Francine were keeping to the shade, the two dogs sprawled out on the porch. The Cheval Collective didn’t have any meetings in the barn office today; otherwise, I knew Dad would insist I put on actual clothes. The last thing he would’ve wanted was for prospective clients to drive up and see me in nothing but a sports bra and spandex.
Although I thought my white PENN FIELD HOCKEY baseball hat was an especially nice touch. It had been included in my WELCOME TO THE QUAKERS! gift basket I’d received several weeks after committing. The card had been signed by everyone on the team.
I just have to get in, I kept telling myself like an incantation. Straight As, awesome application, early acceptance letter.
But it was also summer, and I was having a lot of fun. Last night, I’d gone into Philadelphia with Davis and Natalie to see Phoebe Bridgers. “I’m a third wheel!” Davis announced after the concert. “I’m officially a third wheel.”
“Yes.” Natalie playfully kissed his cheek. He was giving her a piggyback ride while she and I sang “Moon Song” in our raspy, worn-out voices. I couldn’t stop laughing, amazed that she and I had become such fast friends. “You are.” She turned to me. “Now we need to find a fourth.”
“I know, I know,” I told her. “I’m working on it.”
“But are you?” she teased. “Actually?”
I comically threw up my arms. Natalie was hardcore shipping Connor and me; I’d brought him as my plus-one to her birthday party a few weeks ago, because I’d been nervous about not knowing anyone. “I can feel the sparks between you two,” she’d said that night (slightly sloshed). “Go for it, Mads!”
I admit I now wanted to, but I wasn’t sure how to go for it. How did one ask their best friend out? And what would happen to our relationship if Connor said no? “He won’t,” Austin kept telling me. “Trust me, Mads, I’ve known him since he was a toddler.”
“Same here,” I pointed out.
“Nope, this is different,” my brother said. “I’m older, and a guy.”
I’d rolled my eyes. “So what, are you saying he’s always been secretly pining for me?”
“No.” Austin was blunt. “Definitely not.”
He cracked up at the way my face dropped over FaceTime. I hadn’t wanted the answer to be yes, per se, but doesn’t every girl fantasize—even just briefly—that someone is secretly in love with her? At some point?
“But I am saying that I think there’s always been something there,” he continued. “You two have been tight for over a decade, but you’re also both complete knuckleheads who won’t quit goofing around to see it. If one of you finally opens your eyes and makes a move, the other will get quickly with the program.”