You First: A Joe Goldberg Prequel (You, #0)(105)

“Exactly. Jeremy wanted her to quit.”

“Understandable. That’s physical abuse. She could sue him. Did she go to the cops?”

Did Dick get free? Did he go to the cops? No. “You didn’t hear the whole story.”

“Joe, the man threw a binder at a woman’s head. He deserves to be castrated.”

“The thing is, Sarah told Jeremy that her boss apologized. He was going through some stuff, having a hard week, and she’s worked for him for two years and she swears by him. She says he really is a good guy.”

“That’s just the cycle of abuse. And the only way to end that cycle is for her to leave.”

YES. “Agree.”

“So why won’t she go to HR or quit or kick him in the balls or whatever?”

“Well…there’s a little more to it, Vail. Last night, she confessed. Turns out, Sarah was cheating on Jeremy with…her asshole boss. Poor guy was blindsided. He had no clue. And now he really wants her to quit.”

You sigh. “I wish I could call her, but she told me she was leaving her family plan and said she’ll have a new phone soon and will give Jeremy the number to give to you, to give to me, blah blah blah.”

Betty Named Sarah and Carl Named Jeremy deserve Oscars, they really do. I nod. The waitress delivers a second helping of frozen hot chocolate. You lay a fresh napkin on your lap and it’s exciting. You dip your spoon in and come all over it. “Oh God, fucking glorious. Why did we wait so long?”

Because of Dick, and I do the same. I come too. “Jesus Fucking Christ, this one is even better.”

“Right?! God, I wish we could live in here, you know?”

For a minute, we’re little pigs in love, pretending this is our new home as we push the whipped cream and chocolate shavings to make sure we’re both satiated, to keep things fair. And then you put your spoon down.

“Okay,” you say. “Sarah…I can’t believe this.”

“I know. I can’t believe she cheated.”

“No,” you say. “People cheat. It happens. The real shitty thing she did is she went and told Jeremy what she did. That is so selfish.”

I can’t eat. Can’t see. You’re fighting it, us. Pushing off the medicine we need to get better, to be at our best. This is not who you are, and you are wrong. “You think cheating is okay if the other person never finds out?”

“Well, you know how it is…Sarah cheated. That’s on her. That’s her baggage to drag around. When you tell someone what you did, it’s not honesty, Joe. It’s cruelty. What is Jeremy supposed to do with that? I’m not confused here, right? Like, Sarah didn’t break up with him.”

“No.”

“Sarah wants a future with Jeremy, and they’ve been together a long time. They’re committed and solid. They moved away together. I mean, they’re not…”

Us, and it hurts. But life is not a competition; we’ll get there in time. “Yeah,” I say. “They’ve lived together for a year or so, at least.”

“If she really wanted him to love her and be happy and trust her, she had the perfect way out. The blood on her forehead, the stitches. She could’ve quit the job, told the boss to piss off, and taken it to the grave. But no. She did the selfish thing. She dumped it on Jeremy, so he has to drag around her baggage. Dating is nice. So is living together, but it’s not married. You can’t break a vow that doesn’t exist. I mean, that’s how I see it anyway…”

I never loved you more than I do as I watch you try to apologize for what you did to me. The person you need to forgive is yourself and you’ll do that, in time. “Makes sense to me.”

“It’s funny,” you say. “They almost remind me of my parents.”

“I thought they were still married.”

“They are, but that’s what I mean. When I was like twelve, my dad came home from a business trip and told my mom about some stupid affair he had…. It ruined their marriage. My mom was never the same. Either trying too hard to be sexy, or paranoid and sniffing his shirts, digging through his pockets, blowing his head off about nothing. And my dad…he’s not that guy, you know? He hated himself for the fling. He was going through some midlife crisis stuff, and yeah…he messed up. But he loved my mom. And if he never told her about his stupid crisis, if he had been strong enough to carry that on his own…I wish he’d never told her. They’re not married because of ‘love.’ It’s partly financial, but it’s mostly this thing where she spends the rest of her life punishing him and testing him, and he stays because he thinks he deserves to be punished, tested. I think that’s why we went on so many vacations.”

You laugh and tell me it will be so much fun when I meet your parents. I stare at you. Your Beverly Hills soap opera of a family is almost worse than mine. “Wait…I’m confused. You really don’t wish it were simpler? I mean, you don’t just wish he never cheated?”

You call me sweet and dip your spoon into the frozen hot chocolate. “Oh, Joe. That’s a waste of time. People cheat. It happens. And come on. We all know that guys are more sensitive than girls. If the tables were turned, if my mom cheated and told my dad…Men can’t handle that kind of thing. You guys are so sensitive, and unlike us, you guys can’t run to your friends and talk about all your shit. I love you, Joe Goldberg, so if we get super serious and I fuck up and fuck around, I will carry the guilt and the shame. I will protect you, keep it inside…. Okay?”