You First: A Joe Goldberg Prequel (You, #0)(76)
“Nice try, Joe, seriously. But you’re wasting your time.”
The nice, sweet, loving girl I know is gone. You are angry. Angry and loud as if I didn’t just WALK OUT ON MY JOB FOR YOU. As if I’m the one who stained your fucking cape. And it’s the worst kind of angry. Your hands are in your pockets. You walk like a cop or a mom who’s mad at her son for shoplifting. You are loud, screaming about the best birthday ever. Sarcasm is not your look and today is not your birthday, but that’s girls, as if the word is birthweek and not birthDAY.
I grab your arm. Mistake. You pull away. “No.”
“Vail, I’m sorry, okay? You know I’m not a stalker, and we both know you’re just mad that I didn’t show up for you on your birthday. And believe me, I’m mad at me too.”
You stop in the middle of the sidewalk. “Don’t tell me why I’m ‘mad,’ Joe. And I’m not ‘mad.’ I am simply reacting to what you did to me. Creeping up on Cynthia…I mean, come on.”
“I should’ve been at your party.”
You roll your eyes and tell me I’m insane. “I don’t give a shit about my stupid party….”
Oh yes, you fucking do. That extra hole is a black hole where all truth goes to die.
“I told you, Joe. I am ‘upset’ because you stalked me and scared Cynthia to death.”
CYNTHIA WHO BRINGS MULTIPLE STRANGE MEN FROM PASSERBY INTO THE HOME YOU SHARE WITH HER. Gently, Joseph. I do that thing Cusack does when he thinks he lost the One. I hang my head. Sad Joe. Bad Joe.
It works. “What now, Joe?”
I shrug. “Nothing. I just…” It’s like passing a hot potato. I have one shot to turn the tables. “I wish you’d just asked me to go to your party, ya know? I wish you’d let me take you out for dinner and at the very least just…I get where you felt rejected, like I don’t want you, so you come in screaming about me stalking you…If there’s some other guy, I get it, Vail.”
The man with the yellow hat didn’t make you come—I can see it in your skin, not so shiny—and your hands aren’t in your pockets, not anymore. You rock back and forth. You like the attention we’re getting as that fucking couple. “Look, Joe, I know you’re not a stalker.” YES. “And I’m not gonna call the police.”
THEY WOULD LAUGH IN YOUR LITTLE PERFECT FACE. “Okay.”
You pull your hair back into a ponytail, but you don’t have anything to make it stay. You let go. You shrug. “Okay, yes. Turning twenty-five made me think about things, it made me think a lot. And I didn’t know how to say it, but…Sometimes I think I’m too old for you. I’m in my life…. I’m in my career. And it feels like the only thing you want is…I mean, I can feel you wanting to be with me but you don’t know what you want beyond that and you just…You don’t know me well enough to want this or…Whatever.”
“You always say you don’t know what you want. We both have stuff to figure out.”
“Yeah, but that’s the thing. I’m figuring it out. I’m learning and growing. I had my party mostly to get some job leads and you’re…”
“I just got fired for you.”
You rub your forehead like you don’t know what to do with this kid, like you’re gonna ship him off to military school. “Yeah. Okay. The birthday. I…I messed up.”
I knew it, but I’m not so fucking young that I say it out loud.
“Joe, you just…You have no idea how it felt. I told everyone I’m seeing this guy, this hot young guy, and then it gets later and later and you just…Why did you have to hurt me like that?”
What I say here matters. No. What I make you feel here matters. That poster in Miss Frascatore’s office where the sun smiles at the cloud. I have to make you feel good. I have to make you remember that I’m good. Meaning I have to remind you that you hurt me.
“Did you get my voicemail, Vail? The one where I sang to you…”
“Yeah, and I would’ve told you how much I…Well, you didn’t show up at my party. So the voicemail…I mean, that’s really all you wanted to give me on my birthday?”
I need a new plan. I could blame Dick. He’s the one who filled my head with his bullshit fucking theories, but then I’d have to tell you about his bullshit fucking theories. “Vail, you do remember that you directly told me that I didn’t have to come, right?”
“No, Joe. I told you there was no pressure. You blew it off. That’s on you. And maybe if you were a little older you would get that but I…I wanted you to read between the lines.”
“Well, much as I may like to read, I can’t read a book that doesn’t exist.”
I have you where I want you, in front of a Cosi full of businesspeople and their businesspeople salads. People who would be on my side if they knew what I know, if they knew about Harris Wesley Walker the OH WHO FUCKING CARES.
“Here’s the thing, Vail. You don’t know how it feels to be me trying to make sense of you. We’re practically living together, but your birthday comes around and you treat me like some random dude you just met. I didn’t know what to do, okay? You told me not to come.”
Love is war and you are tongue-tied. I am winning. “Vail, I wanted to be there. Hell, I made you a mixtape.”