You, With a View(90)

The frustration of him slamming down the wall again makes me want to scream.

“Of course it matters, Theo. What you say or don’t say matters to me, and you’re standing here holding back again. Why aren’t you giving me a chance to see all of you? To prove that’s enough for me?” I take a step toward him but keep the space between us. If I step any closer, I’ll want to touch him. “I laid out everything with my job—and more. I trusted you with that, and you gave me all these sweet words back about how stumbling wasn’t an indictment on my character. So was that bullshit?”

He has the audacity to look insulted. “No.”

“Are you sitting there laughing at me? Thinking that I’m not worth your time because I’m in a rough spot?”

“No.”

“Then why is it so pathetic for you to stumble? Why can’t you trust that I l—like you the way you are?” My emotions are running faster than my mouth can keep up with, and my stomach free-falls at what I nearly just admitted. “Why do you think you’re such a special case, that when something bad happens to you I’ll walk away, when you sat there and told me you wouldn’t do that to me? Do you think I’m that big of an asshole?”

“No, Noelle, I just—”

He takes a step toward me. I hold up my hand, backing into a chair. I can’t think clearly when he’s near, and suddenly I’m desperate for the boundary. As we kept getting closer, I slowly stopped protecting myself, while Theo was doing it the whole time.

The realization hurts.

“You kept me at arm’s length because you didn’t trust me, and you did it with intention every time I asked you if you were okay, every time I invited you to be real with me or when I was fully transparent with you.” My mind flashes to the times he stopped himself mid-sentence, how he circled around the full truth, those flashes of anxiety and fear he’d shut down. “I let you know me, and you didn’t do the same.”

He swallows hard, his pulse moving rapidly in his throat. I’ve kissed that exact spot so many times, when his heart raced for other reasons. But now everything feels like a lie.

“Don’t say that,” he says. “You know me.”

“How can I, if you only want me to see the Theo Spencer who has all his shit together? You kept this a secret from me, thinking I’d walk away if I knew the truth.”

He laughs humorlessly. “God, you are so obsessed with secrets.”

“What does that mean?”

“That whole trip was about that, wasn’t it?” he asks, eyes flashing. “About uncovering your gram’s secret love life, when in reality it was probably something she dealt with and moved on from and didn’t think was necessary to drag up with you. Then you started poking at mine, wanting to play that game—”

“It’s not a game. It’s me wanting to know you. Share with you, be vulnerable. You poked at me, too, don’t act like I was the only one trying to uncover secrets. When I did the same, you downplayed it or shut down completely. So, why is that?”

He sighs impatiently. “Not everything is a conspiracy to lie. Why can’t this just be me trying to get through my life before I talk about it?”

“Because I’m in your life!” I exclaim. “You can’t feed me one story, then tell me the same story doesn’t apply to you. You can’t say you want to be with me, be there for me, and not let me do the same. That’s not what I want in a relationship.”

Panic crosses his features again, but like clockwork, he shuts it down, crossing his arms.

I take several calming breaths before trying again. “I’m not your dad, Theo. I’m not anyone else in your life who expects you to be a certain way, then tells you you’re not enough when they think you can’t deliver.”

“That’s what you’re doing right now,” he says flatly.

“It’s not. I’m only asking you to let me be there for you. To be open with me. To trust that I’ll like you, not Where To Next Theo or 30 Under 30 Theo or Gold Star Son Theo. You’ve given me some of that the past few weeks, but I want it all. I’m greedy, okay? I just want you, and all of the good and bad stuff that comes with it.”

Even now, as I’m practically begging for it, he’s not giving it. He just watches me, the only sign of life that heartbeat ticking in his neck.

“These past few weeks have been everything to me, and so much of that is you.” My voice breaks on the you, and he looks away, eyes shining in the waning light. “I don’t know how to tell you any other way that I want to do this. But I showed you everything, and you were hiding things from me, and now you’re shutting down. I don’t want to fight a brick wall over and over again.”

Nothing for a beat, then he exhales my name, looking down.

“I think you’re scared, and when you’re scared, you’re frozen.” I search his face, willing him to meet my eyes. “Ask me how I know.”

There’s such relief in admitting that I was right where he is, and that I’m coming out of it. For a second, it washes away the ache in my chest. If Theo could just break through, if I could help him get there somehow, then I could reach out and touch him.

But he has to be willing to let me in, and he’s not there yet. Suddenly I’m scared he’ll never be. That we’ll lose this.