Melanda: Nope! Divorced. Totally free… no offense lol
You: Ha.
I grin. It is a little fun to get under your skin.
Melanda: wow INDEED and he can KISS lol speaking of which… how’s your little friend?
You: That’s so great M!
You didn’t bite the bait but on a good note, I hear the pain in your voice.
Melanda: I forgot about just kissing someone who like really really really knows how to kiss lol am sorry I am in seventh grade right now woo hooo lololol
You: Yeah. Nothing like a kiss.
I miss your yeah and do you mean our kiss?
Melanda: You ok with stuff?
You: Yeah. Just trying to get Nomi to do her college essay. Maybe I’ll go back to college too! When do you find out about the job?
Jesus, Mary Kay. Life moves forward. You went to college. You married Phil. Get with the program and move on. Don’t pine for the past and don’t make it all about the future. Be here now and give me your Lemonhead.
Melanda: Haha you could not pay me to go back to school I am so happy right now. I mean Carl… my interview is tomorrow but I feel really good about it you know?
You: So happy for you M. Seriously.
Seriously. Take it in, Mary Kay. I know that divorce used to seem like a bad idea, like you’d be at wine bars eight nights a week with Melanda. Squabbling over horny Shortus types, men you don’t even like, regretting every decision that led to that barstool. But you met me. It’s time to leave that fucker and be with me. Carl did it. He left his wife and you can too.
Melanda: Ok seriously back at you ARE YOU OK you can talk about joe. I won’t yell at you and make fun of his sweater lol I promise
I wait. I watch the screen. Nothing. Nothing at all. And then a minute later:
You: Melanda you don’t have to make a dig at him every time I mention him. I know you don’t like him. Message received.
Melanda: I’m sorry I’m just like CARL CARL CARL ONLY GOOD MAN ON EARTH
You: Well that’s great. Can’t wait to meet him if things work out.
If. Ouch! Is that the issue? You want the sure thing over the risk?
Melanda: Oh it’s more like whatever happens, being with him is a game changer you know? He went through the fire and he left his wife and even if it doesn’t work out I am just so happy we met you know? That said ok yes we are totally getting married lolol
You: Ha.
You never do the isolated ha and Melanda’s really getting to you. Good.
Melanda: r u mad at me?
You: No. Just feel like shit tonight. And I know. I’m married. I made this mess and I have a husband but I don’t need a lecture right now so please spare me.
Melanda: Only love you sweetie. And on that note… I know I was hard on Joe.
Mary Kay: Eh. I should probably just forget it. It was just a kiss. A good one. I was living in a fantasy. Cliché but true, ya know?
I have my answer. You do like the way I kiss and Melanda was right about one thing. I’m nothing like Phil. I’m better than Phil. And Melanda may not have come around and seen the light just yet, but I’m in control now and it’s time for her to be a real friend.
Melanda: No MK. Look pre-Carl I was in man-bashing mode. I can admit that. I mean you know that…
Mary Kay: I know he wasn’t your favorite…
Melanda: Do me a favor. Give it a chance. I’m not saying to leave Phil and I’m not saying Joe is anywhere near the man that Carl is… lol gush gush gush… but I just… I want you to be happy. There’s no law that says you can’t just get to know him I mean you told him about Phil. Don’t push him away.
Mary Kay: Um who is this and can you send my friend Melanda back
A chill runs through my body. I stare at the phone and fuck you, Steve Jobs and Mother Nature, because this is the flaw of all communication. Why can’t we take things back? The pressure is increasing every second and I have to say something but did I go too far?
Melanda: Oh believe me I’m grossed out too and fully aware that in seven days I will probably hate Carl and Minnesota lolol
You are typing. Slowly. The dots appear and the dots go away and people who go to bed early wake up early and I need to finish packing up for Melanda’s imaginary trip and I need to get the fuck out of here before the joggers awake and boom.
Mary Kay: I was just kidding. Very happy you’re happy. And yeah… about Joe, we’ll see.
Oh yes we fucking will, Mary Kay.
16
It’s Christmas Eve and all day long, I live like a Mothball. I don’t make eye contact with you unless you address me, which you do twice, both times for professional reasons. At noon, I go out to the love seat, because I always go out to the love seat. I know how to take a hint, Mary Kay. “Melanda” told you to give me a chance, but the last time we spoke, you told me to back off.
The door opens at 12:13 and you’re wearing your coat—you mean to stay—and you make a sad face at my lunch. “Well, that’s not beef and broccoli.”
“No,” I say. “This is what we call a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.”
You sit on the love seat. Not close as in Closer. But you’re not shoved against the armrest. You smile at me. Playful. “Is it okay if I tell you that Nomi likes the Bukowski you suggested?”
“I think that’s okay. Is it okay if I tell you that I’m really happy you came out here?”
“Well, I think that’s okay. But I should ask you if it’s okay for me to say that I was up all night because I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”
“I think it’s okay for you to say that… as long as it’s okay for me to say that I was up all night thinking about you too.”
We are on fire and you scratch your messy bun. Red. Gold. You. “Is it okay for me to say that I thought about you in the shower?”
“Only if it’s okay for me to say that I always think about you in the shower.”
You turn red. “Is it okay for me to say that I’ve been hoping that you do?”
“Only if it’s okay for me to say that I fucked you in my head in every square foot of this library.”
You glance at me. Did I go too far? You smile. “Is it okay for me to be a little insulted that you haven’t imagined what we could do right here?”
“I said every square foot of the library, Mary Kay.”
“Yes, but in my head, we’ve been on every square foot of the property.”
Now you went too far and you turn red and I want to hug you but there are Mothballs inside and there’s an invisible ring on your finger. “See,” you say. “This is the catch-22. We both know that a lot of this is about the boundary. I mean who’s to say that all the tension between us isn’t about the boundary? I’m thinking of both of us here, Joe. Because look at us. Yesterday I was a nervous wreck about telling you and it turns out you already know… joke’s on me… and today, ten seconds into it and it’s… Well, my God, our IQs are dropping a million points a second.”
You’re the one who’s married and I’m the one who’s not and I wouldn’t respect you, let alone love you, if you weren’t so torn up right now, but it’s time for me to show off for you the way you showed off for me. “You’re right,” I say. “And we should probably go back inside.”