My mother says, “You do need more study time, Emory. Your grades wobbled last year.”
“Well, what about Drama Club? I have to do that now. What if I have, like, a performance? And I know at some point we’ll have rehearsals and all that stuff.” My voice is getting testy, surprising even me.
My mom frowns. “We can cross that bridge when we come to it, Emory, but right now, this is the best solution. Don’t you want to help your brother?”
“Mom, she doesn’t have to—”
I think of the woman at the outpatient clinic. The nine times she said her daughter has tried to recover. I don’t want that to be Joey. I don’t. If I can just help him get to a good place, then maybe the Rules can relax a little, and I can ease out of hanging out at Hank’s Hoagies.
“No,” I say. “Fine. It’s fine.”
Finefinefinefine. Joey and I are finefinefinefine and okayokayokayokay.
* * *
—
I hold Candy’s hand. It’s warm in mine. I want to tell her that her fingers are squeezing me too tightly, but I don’t. The music is so loud it’s hard to concentrate. My second beer didn’t taste as good as the first, but I finished it, anyway, and now I feel woozy. I wish I had it now, because my mouth is so dry. Joey hasn’t answered any of my texts. We go upstairs and look in the kitchen. We look in the pantry, in the backyard, we look in the bathroom, where we find Luther Leonard with two girls. Hey you Emmy baby, he says. The girls are drunk. Who’s your friend? Candy keeps her eyes down. No one at school likes Luther, except Joey. I tell Luther we need to go, we need to find Joey because I need the car keys, can he help us find Joey? Yeah, sure, whatever, he says, but he’s not gonna be able to drive you. He laughs. A long time ago Luther had a sweet laugh and liked to play Angry Birds but he’s not like that anymore. His laugh is thinner now, edgier, and he and Joey don’t play games anymore. They stay in the attic or lope out of the house with their hoods up, disappearing off the porch and into the night. We go down a long, dark hall, kids kiss each other against walls. A girl is throwing up. In a room at the end of the hall, a Lava Lamp drips drips drips and Joey is on the bed with a girl, lying down, eyes closed. Luther grabs his sneakered feet, shakes them, Joey’s eyes flutter open like bird’s wings. Leave me, he mumbles. Leave me. Luther says Nah man time to go angel let’s get up baby boy and for such a skinny kid he pulls Joey off the bed in one go, Joey falling against his shoulders. Keys brother I need the keys baby and Joey can’t get the keys out of his pocket his hand keeps missing so I let go of Candy and dig in and the keys are warm from his body heat and Luther hoists him against his shoulder and Candy grabs my hand again. We walk down the hall, Joey stumbling. He almost falls down the front steps and Luther says Where is the car and it’s over there, over there and Candy says I lost my phone and Luther says Get it later, girl. We have to dump Joey in the back and Luther laughs when he realizes the seat belt is broken. Joey mumbles Oh it’s like the ocean and I say Is he drunk and Luther says Oh honey just don’t worry and I ask Luther Are you drunk and he says Never touch the stuff, Em and I ask Luther Are you high and he says, No way babe I don’t touch the stuff anymore I’ve moved on to entrepreneurial interests and Candy says What? I say I had two beers and Luther says Not to worry, I’ll drive and he says, Buckle up, sis, to Candy and when he starts the car I can see her eyes in the rearview mirror Luther doesn’t put on his seat belt and Candy’s eyes are wide and she whispers I’m scared I’m scared don’t kill me
* * *
—
I wake up, breathing hard, Fuzzy stirring against my feet under the covers. I reach for my phone. I know I’m breaking our rules, but I can’t help it.
Can’t sleep.
I wait. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine—
2 in the morning
Need
I stop. I almost type you but instead I type something
Need something
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven—
K
* * *
—
Gage slips through the pool house door, dressed in loose sweatpants and a T-shirt. His hair is messy. He yawns. “It’s late, Em. What’s going—”
But I don’t give him time, because what would I say? Tell him Candy is in my dreams? That Joey’s been places I can never reach?
That your whole life, it seems like no one ever really sees you, they just see what they want to see, what they need to see. They never see the holes inside you.
We kiss and we kiss and we kiss and we bend down to the long bench and his weight on mine feels good and I shift a little to ease my knee and it feels even better. Maybe this is something like Joey felt. This need to get lost in something other than yourself. Lose yourself. Erase yourself. So that none of your awful, wrong self remains, not one blessed thing.
Mis_Educated
“Get over it”
“Move on”
“You’ll bounce back”
“These are the best years of your life”
“What I wouldn’t give to be your age again”
Did you ever feel that adults never really listen to you?
You say, I am sad
And they say, What for? You’re sixteen! What do you have to be so sad about?
You say, I’m afraid
They say, Of what! I feed you, clothe you, love you, let me tell you about being an adult
You say, I’m heartbroken
They say, Oh, now, now, you’ll meet someone else, stop crying
You say, I’m lonely
They say, Be more outgoing! Stop staying in your room
You say, they say, you say, they say
It all runs together, words drifting into unhearing ears
It’s like they don’t remember what it felt like to be us
To be sad, lonely, heartbroken, afraid, sometimes all at once
They say we should get over it, bounce back, be positive
It’s like they don’t remember what it’s like to be young
They’ve had a lifetime to paper over their wounds
Ours are still fresh, and bleeding
220 likes
#heywoodhigh #heywoodhaulers #millhaven #mentalhealthawareness #depression
GiGi I broke up with my girlfriend and my aunt said “that’s what you get for not dating boys”
Stewie13 wtf that’s horrible
NutellaAddict honestly I just don’t even tell my parents anything anymore they never listen
LzySusan my dad just tells me suck it up, that it will make me stronger
JerBear I started to feel out of place in middle school tbh. Mom said it was just hormones and it would pass. Never did
HelenOfJoy I’m crying reading this post. The stuff I could tell you
MrPoppersPenguins My sister has been missing awhile now from Dover. She has an addiction. Was at a party in Mill Haven in May. Name is Carly. Anybody got any leads DM me
18
MR. WATSON HAS US push our desks together in fours for silent reading during class because some kids complained the books were so long they were having trouble reading them with all their other homework. We got a lecture on time management and now I’m in a group with Max DeVos, Tasha, and Daniel Wankel. Mr. Watson changed one or two books from the original list, but people are still unhappy.
Max keeps shifting in his seat, his chair squeaking on the floor. “I just don’t get it,” he finally says. “I thought we weren’t reading a book because it was about rape but this lady seems to get raped.”