“Sure.” I feel sorry for Joey. I don’t have any friends anymore, either, but at least Gage counts for something.
As I’m putting the soup away and rinsing our bowls for the dishwasher, I can hear Joey clicking through movies to watch. I check the clock again. A little less than three hours now. How long a movie will he choose? Will I have time to take a shower after? I want to be clean for later, for Gage. How am I going to get away from Joey and go outside to the pool house? What if—
I slam the dishwasher door shut a little too hard.
I don’t want to spend a Saturday night watching my brother. I want to spend a Saturday night kissing a boy. I want to spend Saturday night kissing someone without sneaking around about it. Maybe I should just tell Joey about Gage.
But I can’t.
There’s an uncomfortable twist in my stomach.
I can’t tell Joey about Gage because I think I know how he would react, and that might not be something I can deal with right now. The fact that I’m me and Gage Galt is Gage Galt and I’m pretty sure Joey’s reaction, like the rest of the world, would be Why is Gage Galt interested in you? Because that type of boy generally doesn’t hang out with invisible girls like me, and as much as I would like the world to right itself and make this a normal thing, that godlike boys like Gage could really see invisible girls like me, and could like them, I’m not so sure the world, or Gage, works that way. And in my heart of hearts, I know Joey, if I told him, would think this, too, and that makes the twisting in my stomach even worse. Because underneath it all, it’s really me that’s wondering why I’m a girl that can only be seen in secret, in the dark. Where all my awfulness and wrongness can be kissed and stroked away.
Joey calls to me that the movie’s starting.
I check the clock again, grit my teeth.
I wish I could call Maddie, ask her what to do, who to be, but it would turn into a thing, and I can’t handle any more things.
I throw the dish towel into the sink.
I have to stay a secret for a little bit longer. It’s all I have. The CuteCathys and PristTines of the world have had their share, and even though he’s much too large for my velvet hatbox of stolen things, maybe I can keep stealing Gage Galt from them for myself, just for a while longer, until he realizes we don’t have to hide, that we can be seen and the world won’t end.
Mis_Educated
Hey, Hey, Heywood Haulers!
It’s Saturday night in our drop-dead-boring town
What’s happening?
Who’s got the skinny
On the parties the hookups the broken hearts to be
Who’s at home lonely and just wishing for the day
Someone wants you
Invites you
Sees you
Erases all those hours
Of feeling like no one knows you exist
That palpable ache in your throat
When you hear your parents say
These are the best years of your life
And yet it feels like everyone is living it but you?
Aye, screw it
Parents never tell you the truth anyway
But I’m here!
Tell me your truths, you lonely Haulers
#heywoodhaulers #heywoodhigh #lonelyhearts #saturdaynight #hightimesatheywood #itgetsbetter #millhaven
NatetheGreat party at Stone’s house right now it’s ripped
Stewie13 Just another fun night blazing it up and playin Apex. Alone.
HelenOfJoy All my friends are virtual but they’re the best people I know
MandyMandy Killing myself reading The Scarlet Letter for the millionth time. I hate you, Nathaniel Hawthorne, with every fiber of my being. Hester did nothing wrong!!
TupacLives stone’s party is lit, y’all get here you won’t be sorry
FrancesP44 there are like fifty kids at Stone’s the jocks are doing kegstands
LzySusan Jocks are a-holes all muscle and no heart
PaulMall I do wish I had more friends
LaceyZ i can’t wait to get out of this hellhole and go to college and meet actual human beings who care about more than partying or hooking up
TupacLives @LaceyZ I have bad news for you about college ?
LaceyZ whatever, i’ll find my people. it has to be better than this
ForrestGumpp My dad died last summer and I feel like I’ll never be happy again, that’s how I’m doing
Stewie13 sorry about that @ForrestGumpp that’s really sad
MackAttack I miss Shannon Roe. You guys called her a drama queen and said she was looking for attention and she was cuz she needed help! people don’t cut unless they hurt and you were the worst to her and now she’s gone you can all go to hell
NatetheGreat anybody think that Tom Kidder guy is one step away from a major meltdown
LucyK I miss Candy
AnnaBanana I feel gray, that’s how I feel. I feel gray and cold and I just want to know when I’m going to feel normal because life is really grinding me down does anyone care or understand
LaceyZ @AnnaBanana DM me I’m here, I’ll listen
PristTine Damn, GG is at Stone’s party and that boy is FINE
TupacLives get it @PristTine
MrPoppersPenguins My sister has been missing awhile now from Dover. She has an addiction. Was at a party in Mill Haven in May. Name is Carly. Anybody got any leads DM me
GiGi Check the bridge. That’s where the ghosties are
19
I’M HALF WATCHING THE movie, half checking my phone, Joey stretched out next to me on the couch. It’s nine-fifteen. His eyelids are drooping. I nudge him.
“Maybe you should go to bed,” I say.
He sits up. “Maybe. I’m wiped.”
“I’ll turn the lights off and stuff.”
“When’s Dad back?”
“He doesn’t get back until late,” I say, clicking off the television.
“I kind of thought he’d be…around more,” Joey says. “You know, like when I got back.”
I sigh. “He’s Dad. He’s busy saving people. You know how he is.”
Joey is quiet. “Yeah, I do. I just thought, is all.”
He stands up. “You going to bed, too?”
“Maybe. I might read or something.” I try to keep my voice normal so he can’t tell I’m lying.
I get up, straightening the coffee table, clicking off lights. Nine-twenty-five. Thirty-five minutes.
Joey goes upstairs. I stand silently, listening to the sounds of his feet in his doorless bathroom, water running, the toilet flushing. Then it gets quiet.
I find my suit, the one Gage said he liked, hanging in the laundry room. I change in the downstairs bathroom, then put my clothes back on, just in case Joey comes back downstairs, or my dad or mom comes home earlier. Maybe Gage will think it’s cute I’m wearing the suit. Sexy.
And then I’m just standing alone in the quiet house, waiting, watching the time tick away on my phone.
When it’s 9:55, I go into the kitchen and turn off the security lights in the backyard. They pop on with any movement, and the last thing I need is Joey waking up suddenly because a flash of light sprang through his window. Then I slide the patio door open as quietly as possible, my heart thudding in my ears, and wait outside.
Ten o’clock.
Ten oh five.
Why is he late? I look over at the wall.
My phone vibrates, startling me.
Are you in the pool house
Gage.
Not yet Go in almost there
I’m opening the door to the pool house when I hear a sound from the patio. I whip around, heart in my throat.