I had the man from Forbidden Planet sit on my bed, in my tiny box-room in halls. I switched on the camcorder I’d bought recently and stuck my brand-new DSLR in his face, both purchased with the small pot of inheritance I’d gotten after my grandmother died. I started taking test shots.
It was an unremarkable shoot; I couldn’t even coax him out of his shirt and he went to the bathroom before I got to the uncomfortable questions. The transcript is the driest one in the book, versus some of the absolutely wild shit some of the other blokes said. He went to the toilet, and I remember thinking what a fuck-up this was. He was just a dork, not a weirdo like the others had been. He’d been in there for fifteen minutes or so. I couldn’t hear anything through the paper-thin wall, so I nudged the broken door open, and found him perched on the toilet lid, chewing a used tampon he’d fished out of my bathroom bin. One hand in his jeans, eyes half-shut, head tipped back. He didn’t notice me till the flash went off on my camera.
He spat the tampon out and lunged, fluff all over his teeth, and I took another photo before cackling and legging it out of my room.
On the DVD, you can just hear him shouting, ‘Fucking delete that,’ and doors slamming. His section of the book closes with the photos of him with the tampon in his mouth, and then Subject disappeared to bathroom for fifteen minutes, whereupon I found him chewing a used tampon and wanking.
I sigh and close the book. I have a text from a new number.
Hey! It’s （jack） henson from Monday night.
Hope you’re feeling okay/cool with me texting you. Also, I don’t know if you remember, but I’m sorry for going to bed and leaving you with wee willy when he seemed so pissy about us craicing on, he was very insistent that I should eff off because you were his guest…
For what it’s worth hes harmless? But i think it was just a bit of a shock to his ego, so sorry on his behalf if he upset you. Hes used to me being his fat sidekick/wingman and he can be really immature when he doesnt get what he wants. I think he has a lot of growing up to do with girls and i hope he didnt make you feel bad. I know hes sent you some pretty whacky shit in the last day or so. Hope youre okay xx
I know I said i hope youre okay twice! I doubley hope youre okay haha xx
Cute. I think about how best to play this.
Hey you!
Yeah will has been pretty whacky… Not sure how harmless he is either.
This is weird, i know you said you went to bed, but do you remember Will doing anything weird to me? I just remember him being a bit rough with me and stuff.
I’m actually a bit freaked out.
Again, sorry if this is weird. Does he have a history of behaviour with women which is… Not great?
I also woke up in his clothes. He said I’d thrown up on mine but I definitely didn’t. I’d be able to tell.
Don’t tell him I said this.
Henson says he won’t. He says he’s not aware of Will doing anything bad with women, really, before this. Henson says he’s sorry this happened – whatever Will did, he’s sorry. He hopes I remember.
No attempt to defend Will, I see. No he doesn’t have it in him, or he’d never.
I talk to Henson for a while and sit up late into the night with my photos, going over and over the first box of stuff. I find myself lingering on What would you do to be my boyfriend?. I’ve read it through a few times now. There was one man who said he’d cut off one of his toes to date me – he was quite graphic about it.
I get an email at two a.m. from a [email protected]
Hi!
Sorry about my email address I’ve had this account since 2005 and it’s too deeply entangled with all of my other accounts to change now. This is Eddie – from Tesco? I have been thinking about modelling for you, but I’m not sure I can. I like the idea of it, but the stuff on your website is a little blue （which I am personally fine with） but I start teacher training for primary in september. Is there a work around? I like your stuff a lot, but i really really can’t impress the importance of how much my face can’t be in the photos if you decide to use me. I’d also really appreciate being able to discuss it first. Maybe over coffee, if this doesn’t sound too much like I’m trying to take advantage of your artistic practise to hook a date? Feel free to tell me to bugger off! I know I’m being awkward.
I do some （embarrassing） photography as well, but it’s mostly just trees. I like a lot of the stuff you like, though. Arbus, Mapplethorpe etc. In terms of Fetish stuff, it is something i’m interested in more academically than anything for instance i read the marquis de sade for an essay in uni, and I’m interested in some ero anime such as Urotsukidoji and Belladonna of sadness （which you should definitely check out if you haven’t!）。 My brother is also a professional photographer but he just takes photos of food for magazines and packaging and stuff, which pays very well so he lives in London now – so he lets me have his old lenses and stuff for my daft hobby.
Eddie （from tesco）
Is it weird to reply instantly to an email sent at two a.m.? Do I care? Shy bairns get nowt, as the saying goes.
Hi Eddie （from Tesco），
Great to hear from you. Not much of an anime gal myself. Have seen the stuff you mentioned there, but I’m not really big on anime. Also not much of a reader. LOVE salo tho, as you mentioned marquis de sade. I do like j-horror/pinky violence and I’m big into extreme cinema in general, if any of that is your bag.
Anyway, I have a few props I shoot with on occasion. I prefer to have a clear view of a model’s face for the most part - but masks and stuff are kind of part of the territory with my work. I have a few options we can look at – I have a giant bunny head （has a tail too – kind of cute!） and a couple of gimp mask things, which are a little cliche; its not really my taste so I try to make those photos a bit more creepy/less sexy in tone. I have some masquerade things too and one of my old friends makes masks with old porcelain doll faces – she sold me a few.
Let me know when you’re free, and I’ll give you my address. We’ll have some fun with disguises.
Seems a shame to cover up such a good face, but oh well :（
I generally get my models to sign a consent form, so I’ll make sure there’s an anonymity stipulation in yours, if that makes you feel more confident. I’ll treat you to a coffee and we can talk it through.
Irina x
When I’m brushing my teeth, cleaning my face, moisturising, etc., I spend a little time in front of the mirror rehearsing. I try to smile, naturally, nicely. I pull the corners of my mouth into place with my fingers and see what it looks like when I show my teeth. It always looks a little smirky or sneery, I think, or like the anxious grin of an agitated chimp. I’ve never had a nice smile. A shame – you spend all that money on a set of veneers to find out your teeth were never the issue. I try looking sad. I try twisting my mouth up the way Flo did Tuesday morning, forcing my eyes to well up, looking down at the sink, furrowing my brow. I’m better at sad.
I let the skin of my face relax, and gently massage in my night cream.
‘Hi, Eddie from Tesco, is it?’ I stick my hand out at the mirror. We won’t shake hands. ‘What do you drink? What do you want to drink?’ I try smiling. I think if I smile at him like this, he’ll leave. I look like I want to skin him and wear it.