‘Honestly, it’s fine. He got caught, he got fired.’ I shut off the shower. ‘End of story. It has literally never been a big deal for me. It only lasted six or seven months. I’ve had longer relationships with toothbrushes.’
I get Eddie from Tesco to wrap up the Ben story. It is depressing, and nowhere near as pornographic as I’d hoped.
Little Eddie and Ben’s relationship fizzled out unceremoniously when Ben went to university. At the leaving celebrations – the last hurrah when Amir and his group of friends got their A-level results – Little Eddie followed Ben to the toilet at a house party. And Ben told Little Eddie he wasn’t in the mood, because he’d gotten two Bs and a C, and hadn’t made it into Newcastle Uni, or Northumbria （his second choice）， and had only just gotten into Edinburgh Napier through clearing. Ben had cried on Little Eddie’s shoulder, instead of molesting him, which made Little Eddie feel strange. No longer was he going through the motions of a sexual relationship with this older boy, he was providing support. Like a real boyfriend, or something.
Then Ben moved to Scotland and very quickly got a girlfriend, which Little Eddie tragically discovered via Facebook. Facebook’s presence in this story suggests that Eddie from Tesco is younger than I had initially assumed. Little Eddie decided, however, that their dubiously consensual fumbling would continue over the Christmas break.
Little Eddie was allowed to tag along with Amir to the pub at that first post-freshers Christmas reunion. As usual, Little Eddie bought a Diet Coke, and Amir bought vodka shots, which he would pour into Little Eddie’s drink when the bar staff had their backs turned. Amir, in high spirits, lost track of the amount of shots added to his little brother’s drink and, thus, Little Eddie became very drunk, very quickly.
Little Eddie stared at Ben from across the table all evening, and Ben would not meet his eye. The older boys traded stories about sex, and booze and soft drugs, and Little Eddie stared, even stretching his stubby legs to rub Ben’s calf under the table. Little Eddie announced, with a slurred, pointed voice, that he was going to the toilet – knocking into Ben on the way. Ben did not even acknowledge the shove, and Little Eddie found himself in the toilets, completely alone. He burst into tears. He sobbed alone for ten minutes, wondering what is wrong with me? Why had Ben lost interest, and why was Little Eddie trying to rekindle something that had made him so uncomfortable and confused?
Intellectually, I know this is a sad story. But as I imagine him – fifteen, drunk, half hard, humiliated, sobbing – my skin prickles. My nipples grow tight against the fabric of the towel I’ve wrapped around my chest, and I lick my lips. I imagine his tears on my tongue.
‘Sorry. Jesus, sorry that story is so pathetic, like… TMI, Eddie! Not that this whole conversation isn’t TMI, but…’ He laughs, and buries his face in his hands, talking to me through his fingers. ‘Hey, at least there’s no danger of us having sex tonight,’ he says, with a sniff. ‘I’m definitely up for a film, though. A nice film.’
I drop him onto my bed. The towel around my hair unravels. I frantically suck the bruises on his neck. I drop the towel around my body, and he notices the scars on my hips for the first time. He runs his fingers over them and seems not to believe me when I say stretch marks into the crook of his shoulder. He catches my cheek in his hand.
‘I feel so close to you,’ he says.
I go downstairs for a glass of water, and by the time I get back to my room, Eddie from Tesco has cleaned up, tucked himself into my bed and fallen asleep. I sigh. It’s only ten p.m. Like, four hours before my usual bedtime. I fucking hate sharing my bed, too.
I think about booting him out, but I just end up leaving him.
I sit downstairs with a glass of wine, and watch Snowtown, because checkout boy’s story made me think of it. I watch the rape scene near the start a couple of times. I once told Flo I thought it was hot as fuck, and she was like, hmm, deleting that info, thanks. Like she hasn’t been creaming herself over Call Me by Your Name since it came out. She was all like, oh well that’s totally different Irina, and I don’t really see how, to be honest? She’d be shitting herself about a straight film with that age gap.
I drop her a text, briefly considering what would wind her up the most before sending her anything.
Hey, guess youre still freezing me out.
Sorry you can’t just be happy for me when i finally find someone i like.
Lame.
Three dots. She’s typing. I grin.
This has fuck all to do with the fucking tesco guy lmfao Irina????
SURE.
But yeah blanking me is super mature!!!
Not fucked up and upsetting at all
From my perspective you basically accuse me of lying about getting raped, you vanish out of my life it’s bizarre and wont even talk to me when i start dating someone I actually like and im trying to get your opinions and stuff like.
All this stuff is happening to me and you just ditch me.
Then you’re acting like the victim here like.
Honestly youre always acting like im this monster
How do yio think this makes me feel?
If it’s not about eddie （the guy from tesco fyi） I don’t get it?? Whatd id i do???
If you have a problem with me, if ive done somethig just tell me??
But the silence is cruel flo. It’s fucking cruel.
I throw in a few typos, like I’m cry-typing. I put my phone down and go back to Snowtown. I finish my glass of wine before I pick it up again. I have an essay to read. The first text:
Youre right.
I cackle.
Im so sorry
Michael just like hw ereally doesnt tryst you he thinkis you make stuff up to manipulate me and make me feel bad and I KNOW YOU DONT
i know you dont do it on purpose but sometime you do like you do say stuff and its upsetting anmd manipulative but michael just always assumes the worst of people and its so exhausting to have like.
Maybe you hurt my feelings and i tell michael and he convinces me you did it on purplseand it s hard not to getworn down n convinces by it and i jsut felt really confused I didnt mean it i felt like i needed some time on my own and honestly
Mauybe i was jealous of the guy from tesco and yourem texting me anbout him all the time i know aftr what i said 2 you I desrv to feel like shti its really stupid im just used to having you to myself and i felt confusedx and territorial and angry and michael was being werid and i s2g he does it from a place of concern
Being caught between the two of you all the time is so tiringj imn so sorry
It’s okay.
You know, I actually think that’s really shitty of Michael.
He’s always been threatened by you.
Mmm. Just don’t let him like grima wormtongue you
You know i’m not a bad person.
I know I’m not always nice
but i’m not like evil??? Or anything???
I don’t know flo
i have a lot of baggage and im trying my best.
I know.
I’m so sorry.
Can i come over tomorrow? About 10-ish?
It’s my day off?
Okay.
I smile. I finish the bottle of wine, and fall asleep on the couch.
Eddie from Tesco wakes me up in the morning, about nine. Nine a.m. I tell him to fuck off.
‘I made breakfast,’ he says.
‘I don’t eat breakfast.’